Gonna Party Like It's..?

Finally!

Internet has arrived in my bedroom - Huzzar!
Karma is in order, birds are chirping in rejoyce and the world is a better place.
Fantastic news I think you'll agree.

I'm going up to Cheltenham tomorrow morning to celebrate the New Years with my grandparents and cousins. Really looking forward to seeing them actually, it's been quite a while so I'm gonna try and get some fresh photos of the occasion.
Not quite sure yet weather it's going to be a "sit-and-watch-other-people-on-telly-pretend-to-be-having-fun" kind of New Year, or a "go-into-town,-find-a-funky-bar,-get-happy-stupid-and-end-up-hugging-random-stranger" kind of New Year.

I'm hoping it's the huggy one personally :)

Well hope you all have a great time aswell, look after yourselfs, & don't get too happy stupid.

ps. Happy Birthday Jesus,
Happy Birthday Mother Dearest,
Happy Birthday Jus,
& Happy Birthday Brother Of Jus, Blake Jones
all my love to ya all x

Cause & Effect

Universally, it is widely regarded that "cause & effect" is a common activity that keeps the world going round.
For Instance, without the cause of sunlight, photosynthesis would struggle to continue and all the poor little plants would eventually die which, in effect would then make all us poor little humans eventually die too, hence - cause and effect can have a very important role.

Another example of cause and effect with slightly less importance would be putting myself on one side of a room for 5 hours, free drinks on the other, and then seeing what happens when the two conjoin.
It probably comes no surprise to you that the effects of the following story include scenes of moderate over-confidence, mild calamity, and strong embarrassment throughout.

Prologueing very briefly, Alex Parks - the winner of Fame Academy - has a new album out and is currently Caffe Nero's 'artist of the month'. A while back, my lovely boss, Aisce (pr. Es-ka) and I were at the pub when she asked me if I would like to help her out selling tickets for Alex's gig which Caffe Nero had organised up in London's well known pub, The Bedford. She told me 'there would be free drinks of course', and, as I was already in a un-sober state I immediately of course said 'YES!'

Skipping the few days between then and now, I find myself in some random back hallway of the Bedford listening to the echoing sound of the warm-up band practising, and there's a pint of Guinness in my hand.

To be honest, once I got there and was introduced to the main people working behind the scenes, I had absolutely no idea what it was I was supposed to be doing! The fact that no one else helping out knew what was happening either didn't help much.

So for the first 5 or 10 minutes I tried walking around pretending to look like I was very involved, after that I ended up staring at the sound man fiddling with his hugely complicated looking mixing desk and then after that, tried directing my Boss and Pablo (the man in charge of what music Caffe Nero plays) to whether their sign should go to The 'left-a-bit' or The 'right-a-bit'. Then I went back to staring at a list of names on a piece of paper, attempting to play Clair-de-lune on a de-tuned piano... and that was pretty much the only contributing aspect I remember towards making this a successful gig.
They eventually told me I just needed to be by the doors from 10:30pm to 11pm in case there were any late arrivers. But by that time they realised that there wasn't going to be any late arrivers I was made pretty much redundant of any responsibilities.

Nevermind.
Luckily, I still managed to have a flippin' awesome time listening to some wicked live music* and yapping away to a bunch of very interesting people. Probably one of the best socials I've had for yonks.

As the drinks carried on coming, I was explaining to Guiseppe - my Italian workmate - how the education system works here in the UK whilst in tern, learning that he has a PhD in Law, which is something slightly surprising for someone who currently just makes coffee everyday.
Then I got chatting to the guy who hosted the Bedford's music acts finding out he was the keyboardist from the Cutting Crew. If you don’t know who they are, they had a major number one hit in the 80's - (I Just) Died In Your Arms - and faded into obscurity soon after I believe. Classic track, always reminds me of the soundtrack from GTA Vice City myself.
He did a few songs before the warm-up as well, including one called 'How Can I Love You?'. I thought was excellent, lovely chords, very Lennon sounding. His name's Toby Moore... if anyone can find me the song I'm talking about, let me know yeah?

After that - and this is about the time the alcohol had kicked in - I started chatting up a fine young lady in a green hat named April - who just so happened to be Alex Park's-manager's-son's-girlfriend.

She was sitting by the merchandise stall looking very lonely so I thought it might be nice to keep her company, and why not after all? Everything seemed to be going very well and friendly until her boyfriend's Mum - Alex Parks's manager - came to talk to her.

Now it's important for me to point out & I want to make this perfectly clear to you, that by this time I had consumed a my second Guinness as well as 1 and a 1/2 large glasses of red wine, ok?
I stood back and waited by the merchandise for them to finish talking. As I was feeling nicely fuzzy and delightedly happy with the current situation that I was in, I unconsciously started waving my half full glass in a circular motion like the guys you see doing it on wine tasting shows. Much was the extend of my circular~waving motion, that of course the wine goes flying out of the glass and conveniently lands all over the merchandise table, immediately getting soaked up by the very large pile of Alex Parks posters on display.

HOW SHIT DO I FEEL RIGHT NOW? HONESTLY?

PRETTY SHIT.

Bugger, Bugger, Bugger..!

I know I'm quite susceptible to these sort of occasions - even without drinking involved - but really, who would of thought waving your wine glass around could land you into such trouble!?! :S

I count my lucky stars this time that no one had noticed!
They were still talking to each other, which gave me a perfect opportunity to very casually leave the crime scene with no indication as to whom the real culprit was. I felt so guilty.
How had I got away with this?
How much property damage had I delivered?
How many angry fans will there be, knowing they can't get a poster signed?
What if they had saw me?
Worse..! What if Alex found out it was me!?!
I watched through the crack of a doorframe as they later discovered the edges of the posters were all warped and most noticeably, red. Oh god that was bad.

Thankfully I'm still here and there was no CCTV evidence pointing me out. Which also is quite handy, as I later discovered when I got home that there was an Alex Parks T-shirt in my coat pocket. I have no recollection of how it got there, or even why I have it in XXL.
I think, I must have nicked it. I mean, why else would I have it unless I attempted to nab the closest souvenir I could find?

Why else would they sell XXL t-shirts unless everyone did the same thing that I must of done?
I did actually get the opportunity to say hello to Alex (very small she was) but seeing as I destroyed a fair bit of her merchandise, it probably wasn't best to say too much really.
Later in the evening, I spoke to the bassist member of Helen Boulding (the actual warm-up act) who was a very cool guy and must have had the most ridiculous-looking coat that I have seen in ages. Awesome.
Then a little natter with few of the happy fans including a hilarious Aussie fella who didn't seem to want leave, as well as a cool camera enthusiast who was telling me all about the flash gun mounted on his Fuji Camera - the same one that I lost in Venice.
By the end of the night I got a number of emails and left feeling very peckish.

Bless you, Balham Kebab shop.

Now, I know I got on the train to East Croydon. That is for certain. I also know that I closed my eyes as I was feeling very tired and knew that I had a number of steps in which to kip before I got to Croydon. But once again, thanks to the delights of alcoholic drinkery, the rest is a blur and I was soon abruptly woken up by a 119 bus driver who wanted me to get off as I was at the end of the bus route in bloody Bromley North!
How long had I been travelling?
How the heck did I get on a bus?!?
Bloody Hell it's late!
I had totally missed my stop meaning I'd have to get the next bus in the opposite direction, eventually arriving at my house about 1:15am!

Flip me I was tired, but it was a bloody fun night though!


Merry Christmas Everyone, Have a fantastic day! x

*Just in case you might ask, I don't remember hearing any of Alex Park's stuff so weather or not she was good, my street cred is safe for now!

Probably The Most Jealous I've Ever Been.

You know, I can't describe to you in words just how envyious I am.
Dom's photography just keep getting better & better.
Blast his talented index finger!

The Top Ten Of Caffe Nero

Top Ten Most Popular Barista Sayings:
"Chocolate on your cappuccino?"
"Drink in or take away?"
"Do you have a loyalty card on you today?"
"Regular or Grande ma’am?"
"Yeah, what kind of coffee?" (you dim-wit)
"Sugar's on your left."
"If you'd like to come to this till PLEASE!"
"Toasted?"
"Black or White?"
"The toilet is for customers only sir."

My Top Ten Favourite Caffe Nero Drinks:
1. Regular latte, extra shot
2. Grande Hot Chocolate with strawberry syrup
3. Single Espresso
4. Ice Water and Almond Syrup*
5. Banana & Pinapple Fruit Booster
6. Caffe Milano with cream
7. Small Cream & Coconut Syrup*
8. Grande Strawberry, Vanilla & Irish Milkshake*
9. Coke Cola with Cinnamon Syrup*
10. Chocolate mint expresso*
*custom made milhouse drinks

Top ten most bizarre quotes from customers:
"Can I have a double de-caff espresso please?"
"I'd like a grande-skinny-wet-hazelnut-soya-latte to have here but in a paper cup, Extra Hot... and with 4 shots."
"Two latte's... one regular, one just a quarter shot of coffee."
"How big is the small size?"
"Is it alright if you take out the filling and just toast the panini bread, then put the filling back in for me?"
"I'll have a grande black Americano" (then after made) "Can i also have some milk with that?"
"So, do you do like a cold hot chocolate?"
"Just give me a bog-standard coffee"
"Can I have a different croissant, this one's a bit flat"
"Do you serve beer here too?"

to be continued!...

Have A Happy Chavy Christmas

a very funny email sent to me by Rachel Archer on 14 December 2005,
_________________________________________________________

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, butshe's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got oneup the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled withspirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and Ireckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah,s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain'tno room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wivanimals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bringgold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's gotanother message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Milhouse, The Stud Muffin

I don't know if it's just me imagining things, but when I'm working in Caffe Nero, I've been getting a lot of long glances from various girls recently.

Good looking girls at that!

I mean, obviously it's fully understandable, look at me... I'm a sexy beast aren't I?
But for me it's really quite unsettling for me when this happens, because I'm never quite sure how I should take it?

As I've learned over the years - a girl's mind is a very dangerous place!

What they seem to be thinking and what they actually are thinking, are often two completely separate thoughts. Therefore, weather I assume that they dig me, or actually are confused as to how they got free tickets to the freak show is uncertain.
Hows a guy supposed to know for sure without making an ass of himself by making assumptions?

So yeah, just earlier today, there were these two pleasantly appealing young ladies who I served coffee to and then whilst I'm later washing dishes, I'm told by my Italian co-worker that they are both stareing at me.

Of course, as soon as someone tells you that your being watched, you get all paranoid and end up looking like a total prat by pretending you were unaware and then try acting as casually cool as possible.

Note to self: This never works.

I end up dropping 2 muffins & a soup bowl on the floor then finding I have an insatiable desire to sneeze, causing my face to resemble somewhat of a deranged baboon who overdosed on bananas.
Mmm, slick.

Nevertheless, they definitely were looking at me for a long time. And when I said goodbye to them I & got another smiley glance in my direction. I think it's hilarious. Can’t really understand it myself.

As a result of this, I've decided that if I happen to see them again, I'll try to say slightly more than my usual sales pitch and spark some friendly conversation!

Exciting stuff in the world of Milhouse!

T.T.F.N.
(Day off tomorrow! Yay!)

Blood Bath

Evening guys.

If anyone has a freakyer story to tell that happened to them in the past few days, I salute you:

I'm taking my usual Sunday morning soak in the tub, right?

The bubbles are bubbly, my fingers are all shriveled up and the water is just the right temperature.

You probably think this is weird, but usually when I'm in the tub, I like holding my breath underwater for a long as possible - don't ask me why, but it sort of makes me get in a relaxed state of mind for the rest of the week.
So far, my personal best is 2mins 30 seconds... which is impressive I think, although I'm not positive that that source of material is very accurate, firstly as it's coming from me, and secondly because I don't think I'm very good at counting underwater.

Anyway, it's get the about 58, 59 seconds and I think "you, know, it might be a nice opportunity to grab some fresh air and start breathing again, don't you think?"

I go back up.

Low and behold, when I open my eyes I was absolutely freaked shitless by the fact that the water WAS NOT the same colour as when i started...

EAH ERR! 'Something's not right here!'

I had a flippin nose bleed in the water and I hadn't even noticed! Eww!

It took me a while to figure out why the water was a dark bloody red colour & I tell you, it was like something out of a friggin horror movie!

I stopped myself from screaming in case my mother might rush upstairs to help and inevitably see me starkers in a pool of red stuff - The one thing that could only be worse than what was happening now!

Then of course, after the initial shock I realized that, yes I was actually bathing in my own blood - which is nether particularly pleasant, or hygienic.

And in case you were wondering, no, it doesn't give you eternal life either.

What's worse, I had to take a freezing cold shower after, as I already used all the hot water in the tank.

So much for a Sunday morning soak, aye?

Well, never mind.

Right, funnily enough, I'm off to give more blood, but this time to someone who needs it more than me!

Catch you round.

p.s. my pc just arrived! yay!

With A Link, Link Here & A Link, Link There...

Milhouse Link
Originally uploaded by matt_milhouse.

Being the absolute time waster that I always was at heart, I decided the it was high time that I did something on my low-priority list and create a few pictures links for my various webspaces that you no doubt have visited once before... Purely just to fulfill my aesthetic demands for this website and make it look it's most prettiest.

Vis-a-vis, what you see before you is an example of how you can fill up an hour of your time whilst ever increasing the risk of burning the back of your corneas and getting permanent cramp in your index finger so you end up looking a bit like E.T.'s cousin.

Look a likkle bit more to your right and you'll likely see some more new picture links including one for my Flickr Gallery (green), one for my older Yahoo Gallery (black & white) and even a fancy looking one for Dom's Photography, coz I'm a nice guy afterall.

Don't they look pretty, eh?

So anyway, getting to the point that I'm trying to make, if anyone else has a website or picture gallery (and I like you), then I'd be more than happy to make a picture link for you and stick on my site for others to visit.

Random Goader #1:"Sounds to good to be true... what's the catch Milhouse?"

Random Goader #2:"Yeah Milhouse, what's the catch?Huh? Huh?"

Well, in return, I would be most appreciative of this orange link above appearing on your site... Which only seems a fairly reasonable gesture of good will. & Everyone wins.

But i'm not forcing you... I'd probably make a link for you anyway.

Seeing as my ultra basic knowledge of HTML managed for me to discover that you'll need all this coding...

<a href="http://www.mattmilhouse.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/34/70422884_47eb174397.jpg?v=0"></a>

I'm sure that you'll know what you need to do for it.

Let me know if you succeed or even if you didn't.

Take Care, Chat Laters

p.s's

Gem, Ash & Collet: Cool night at the Harvester guys, Thanx.

Barclays ATM: Stop lying about my balance, I must have more money than that.

Steve Ford or Tommy: I am delighted to see my picture on the website, thank you. Now we can start getting some results! PFCFC Undefeated in 3 seasons? No problem!

Adam Williams: How those hands getting on? Do you have to ask other people to pick your nose for you yet? Good stuff. BTW, your the only person I know who manages to use the word 'Insubordination' in a sentence. Fantastic!

Justine: I've looked under the couches, in the dishwasher, but can't find your voice anywhere! Hope you get it back soon. x

Milly Got A Brand New Box

Yes it's true. I'm finally replacing the retarded mess of what was once my old PC and am getting a brand spanking new one! Hurrah!

Along with this I've also invested in broadband, which in turn means I can finally treat this website with a little more respect, such as updating it more than a measly twice in 6months"

"Outstanding Work Mr. Johnston" I hear you say. Well thanks very much.

On a slightly related topic, if you didn't know... which is nearly impossible as I pretty much text everyone TO let them know... I've also developed my disposable camera (which Mr. & Mrs. Steele so kindly gave to me after hearing of my stolen digital loss in Venice). The images came out great as you can see for yourself. There's some pics of Jack's Birthday at his Grandma's Crib (mouchos funnos) and some of 3 twits in Pompy misusing playground apparatus. All in all, fun for the whole family.

In turn, with this blog telling you news you already know, you probably also received an email from me a few minutes after writing this blog, to let you know that you should know (what you most probably already know) that I've uploaded new pictures on the internet.

But you probably knew that anyway.

By the way, I want to her more from all you 'Uni lot', AND you 'Gillanders lot' . Everyone's doing their own thing now, it's hard to remember what you all look like.

Start a blog or something. I'd love to read it.

Ohh, once you've checked out my photo's. You then need to make you way in the direction of Dominic Christie's photos. Far superior to my own creative efforts, he's bought himself a fancy pants slide film camera. And the results are blinding (Although not so blinding that you shouldn't see them, because you should).

Definitely worth having your mouth gaping open in awe for a few spare minutes.


Going to have my Brunch now.
Speak to you later.

Milhouse x

Letter to Mr. Stephen Ford

letter sent by myself to the penge family church football club (pengefcfc) team manager on the 3rd december 2005 11:24am
___________________________________

Mr. Stephen Ford.

I am writing to complain that after emailing a picture of Adam Butter Fingers to you some few weeks ago, I have still not seen the image posted onto the team's website.

As I feel that this image is critical as to the team's future gameplay, I question your loyalty to the team and wonder whether you actually want them to win at all.

You see, must like the controversy that surrounds the famous paintings of Leonardo Da Vinci, I too, have slipped my own hidden messages in to my life's masterpiece - Adam Butter Fingers.

Afraid to say, I cannot tell you exactly how and where I have encrypted these 'subliminal' messages into the painting. If I did, the dire consequences for you would mean 10 free double nipple cripples from myself whenever & wherever I might chose to do so (i.e. in the middle of John's Sunday sermon - we wouldn't want that would we?).

Needless to say - these messages - when viewed upon by - and only by - the persuadable members of Team PengeFCFC, would enter their brain patterns and almost immediately boost their on-pitch performance 10 fold.

As quoted by one of my most respected scientist friends in Cambridge, Dr. Eggbert Van Houten, "the effects of such an astounding visual presence (Adam Butter Fingers) would result in each player's motivation be comparable to that of a donkey on a treadmill chasing a holographic carrot in front of them" - not a laughable achievement, you will agree.

As well as enhanced motivation, physically, the players will literally begin "evolving and adapting" to the demands of today's beautiful game without even moving a muscle, so to speak. More supple ankle joints for Ronaldinho-like ball skills, expanded voice box's for increased communication and 'enemy team goading' further across the green, and the creation of a new body organ designed solely to produce that vital Vitamin C boost half-time oranges used to provide, are but a few of the bodily improvements that would take place.

Most noticeably, the biggest physical change would be in Adam himself - as his hands will gradually grow in size to the comparable mass of 2 extra large watermelons. Although this would mean the team would need to invest in 'custom made' goalie gloves, it is without doubt that the revolutionary benefits of this would far outweigh any cost of materials.

I ask to ponder for a moment and just imagine the saves Adam could make with hands the size of watermelons...

...Imagine.

Already I have said too much about the real importance of this painting. I trust that you will keep this knowledge to yourself and the existing team members as to not let the enemy attempt their own experiments in soccer science.

I eagerly anticipate the posting of Adam Butter Fingers on http://pfcfc.intheteam.com/

Until then I wish you adieu.


Your faithfully,

Milhouse
(Penge FCFC supporter)
__________________________________