Letter to Mr. Stephen Ford

letter sent by myself to the penge family church football club (pengefcfc) team manager on the 3rd december 2005 11:24am
___________________________________

Mr. Stephen Ford.

I am writing to complain that after emailing a picture of Adam Butter Fingers to you some few weeks ago, I have still not seen the image posted onto the team's website.

As I feel that this image is critical as to the team's future gameplay, I question your loyalty to the team and wonder whether you actually want them to win at all.

You see, must like the controversy that surrounds the famous paintings of Leonardo Da Vinci, I too, have slipped my own hidden messages in to my life's masterpiece - Adam Butter Fingers.

Afraid to say, I cannot tell you exactly how and where I have encrypted these 'subliminal' messages into the painting. If I did, the dire consequences for you would mean 10 free double nipple cripples from myself whenever & wherever I might chose to do so (i.e. in the middle of John's Sunday sermon - we wouldn't want that would we?).

Needless to say - these messages - when viewed upon by - and only by - the persuadable members of Team PengeFCFC, would enter their brain patterns and almost immediately boost their on-pitch performance 10 fold.

As quoted by one of my most respected scientist friends in Cambridge, Dr. Eggbert Van Houten, "the effects of such an astounding visual presence (Adam Butter Fingers) would result in each player's motivation be comparable to that of a donkey on a treadmill chasing a holographic carrot in front of them" - not a laughable achievement, you will agree.

As well as enhanced motivation, physically, the players will literally begin "evolving and adapting" to the demands of today's beautiful game without even moving a muscle, so to speak. More supple ankle joints for Ronaldinho-like ball skills, expanded voice box's for increased communication and 'enemy team goading' further across the green, and the creation of a new body organ designed solely to produce that vital Vitamin C boost half-time oranges used to provide, are but a few of the bodily improvements that would take place.

Most noticeably, the biggest physical change would be in Adam himself - as his hands will gradually grow in size to the comparable mass of 2 extra large watermelons. Although this would mean the team would need to invest in 'custom made' goalie gloves, it is without doubt that the revolutionary benefits of this would far outweigh any cost of materials.

I ask to ponder for a moment and just imagine the saves Adam could make with hands the size of watermelons...

...Imagine.

Already I have said too much about the real importance of this painting. I trust that you will keep this knowledge to yourself and the existing team members as to not let the enemy attempt their own experiments in soccer science.

I eagerly anticipate the posting of Adam Butter Fingers on http://pfcfc.intheteam.com/

Until then I wish you adieu.


Your faithfully,

Milhouse
(Penge FCFC supporter)
__________________________________