The Milhouse Affairs

Drivvel Has A New Home

2007-01-04T12:25:00.000Z

Hey people.

Well I hope since the time that I spoke to you, you've enjoyed dressing up in ridiculous costumes for Halloween, eaten far too much food on Christmas Day and only just gotten over your hangover from New Year's Eve.

For me 2006 has been an... 'interesting' year.
Like a fried egg, it started off raw and now seems to be cooking sunny side up.

Firstly I got kicked out of mum's house after a whole series of arguments with my step dad. Which sucked.

I moved in with my Dad in the sticks of Edenbridge where I generally moped around worrying about what I should do with my life.

At this time I was still working in Caffe Nero, getting into various fights with a number of the colourful personalities of Croydon.
Most of which being chavs and tramps. Something I never expected myself doing.

But I also met some amazingly nice people there who were so kind as to get me though the day and engage in conversation with me whilst I abused my 20minute lunch break (they were bribed with free drinks, of course).

I met Davide. My Italian friend, who I always go on about!

I Quit Caffe Nero and applied to Uni, after working there for way longer than anyone would care to.

Luckily for me, I got my first choice and moved postcodes From TN8 to LS2...

..The great city of Leeds, where I study Multimedia Technology @ the Met.

Nowadays, even though I'm living the student lifestyle, I can cook! My room is tidy! My work ethic for Uni has improved a lot.

What's more, I live flat called The Plaza with some more great people, my house mates. I'm amazed how close we've become in such a short space of time.

In the words of Take That... Things can only get better.
I've got my act together and now I feel much better for it.

I hope your 2007 should be as promising as mine is looking.

As for this blog, I think it's pretty obvious that not even half the amount of effort I used to put into writing these posts has been made. Which is why I have some good and bad news to announce.

I will no longer be using Blogger from this moment on.

...no, that's not the good news you bastard.

It's been a hard decision to make, yes. And since a while back when a girl named Cami introduced me to website named myspace, I've grown increasingly hooked to it and joined the huddled masses, 'pimping' my profile and leaving mildly amusing comments on others. So now if I ever have the desire to write a blog in the near future you'll be able you find it on my myspace profile.

I shall of course keep these previous posts up here for anyone who cares to read them, until Blogger might ever decide to take them down.

See you on myspace.

I wish you all a fantastic two thousand and seven.

Milhouse x
www.myspace.com/mattmilhouse

MillyTV - 90's Rock

2006-09-10T02:36:00.000+01:00

Alright peeps. What's happening?

I've had an pretty lifeless week mostly. Though I can't complain - Dad's been spending a heck of a lot of money on me for my big trip up north in Leeds. Shoes, Clothes, Cutlery, Toiletries...it's all very much appreciated*.

As the internet junkie I have recently come to become (???), the evil 'YouTube' site has developed as regular diet to my general surfing hours. Seeing as now there is so much video material out there on the internet, I figured that I'm going to start making a few playlists of specific material I've come across, saving you the time and anguish of plowing you way through the crap to the jems you so desire.

Aptly naming this project Milly TV, the first collection of videos featured today celebrate the rock music from the 90's and videos that complimented them. Some you know, some you might not. Either way, they are a collection of my favourites, I hope you enjoy them.

Rollins Band - Liar
I found this after looking up Beavis & Butt-head stuff online.
I can't believe I never heard of them before this. Intense Video!

Rage Againsted The Machine - Sleep Now In The Fire
Write a politically charged song, have Michael Moore film you perform in front of the New York Stock Exchange and make the police have to close Wall Street during mid-day trading. Rock n Roll.

Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized
Up there as one of the funniest rock videos around in my opinion.

Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box
Apparently they changed a section of the video where Kurt is lying in a poppy field as it seemed the smoke rising from his mouth was just a little too unsettling after his infamous death. Good Video.

Pearl Jam - Alive (live)
A classic 90's track.

Weezer - Buddly Holly
This is old school nostalgism, man.

Skunk Anansie - I Can Dream
Skin, the greatest woman to ever grace a rock band. Beautiful, but scary as funk all at the same time. Killer track. Used to listen to this with my best friend in primary school.

The Cranberries - Zombie
Another political anthem from my second adored lady of rock. Definatly the best keening singer in the business.

Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
Weird Ass Video. Nevermind, good track.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Love Rollercoaster
Grade A Infectious. A great cover by the Chilis. Even if it isn't Frusciante playing.

Green Day - Hitchin' A Ride
Reminds me of when we would eat jam toast and play pool in sunday school... no really!

Radiohead - Just
What the bloody hell does he say!

Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight
Love 'em or hate 'em, it's a beautiful video.

Presidents Of The United States Of America - Peaches
Jokes Video.

*if you'd like to donate any money towards the 'Milly Greedy Bastad' scheme, please feel free to email me here not forgeting to include your name, address, bank details and pin number. ACCEPTED CONTRIBUTIONS OF £50 OR HIGHER ONLY PLEASE... that or a steak dinner.

Video Killed The Milhouse

2006-08-25T01:03:00.000+01:00

But yeah...
Yeah, The Milhouse Affairs has got video on it now...
Big Time.
When I do buy myself a decent camcorder I'll get stuff on here I imagine.
In the mean time, just laugh at this - Crazy Dave the Tractor Boy.
Ker-ray-zayee.

My Trumpet / Note To Self #3

2006-08-24T21:40:00.000+01:00

Those blasted mystery shoppers get up my goat, man.
It's so unfair! I can't believe it.

Not to blow my own trumpet, but when it comes to customer service, I pride myself on being very good at it. So when I look at this months review of the store and the "Young Male with Glasses, Sandy Hair & a Small Goatee" gets only an 80% pass mark for his performance I'm a little more than cheesed off.

Call me a too caring, but come on... 10 marks off for not upselling a specific type of muffin and another 10 for saying 'sugar is to the left', but not actually POINTING to the left.
That's a little pathetic isn't it?
What's more annoying is that 9 times out of ten I do these things anyway.

And since when has my been considered 'sandy', hmm?
It's blonde. You insulting bitch.

Grrrrgh. >:< On a happier note, after work I was walked from the train station back home and discovered literally the whole of Edenbridge smelt distinctly of fresh horse manure.
Which of course amused me profusely.
Even if I couldn't 100% disprove the possibility that it may have in fact been me smelling god-awful. No one will ever know.

Then to my disgust I very nearly French kissed a fly. Which decided to end it's life in my half empty can of coke I left in the living room the night before. Eww.

Note to self # 3:
never take a swig from a can of coke open longer than 24 hours.

Spoke to my brother on MSN just now to find out James is officially a smart arse.
7 A's, 2 B's & 2 C's in GCSE. That's crazy, well done boyo.

Happy Birthday again to brother James, Aye Stizzle (welcome to club 20), potty-mouth Cami and anyone else I've shamefully missed out. Riss'pekt!

Flip Sake.

2006-08-22T23:14:00.000+01:00

You know that pain you get around your nose before you go to get and wake up the morning after with a massive yellowhead on your conker?... Yeah?... Dammit.

51% Chicken, 23% Turkey

2006-08-01T19:08:00.000+01:00

Man, Edenbridge is crap.

Words can't express enough how unbelievably rubbish Edenbridge is.

If you don't own a car, and have no ambition for making the effort to wait a hour to catch the next train elsewhere, it feels very much like an open prison. Judging by the look of some of our locals, I would say this isn't far from the truth.

Now I'm not certain about many things in life - you know this - but as I walked down the road today, it struck me that if I had lived here all my life so far, I am positively convinced, that of this moment right now, I'd be scrambling for coins in my back pocket at my regular bookies, have 11 felonies for joyriding and gross misconduct under my belt and a substantial portion of my ear missing after that time firework incident when terribly wrong, back when I started binge drinking at the age of 14.

There are maybe 4 things you should know about Edenbridge:

1) It's closest neighboring town is the ever-so-nicer looking Hever - home of Hever Castle - formally the childhood home of Henry VIII's 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn ("she was like...decapitated... by the head, you knoooow?").

2)Bizarrely, in Edenbridge there's a river called Eden, and it runs through Edenbridge... and then goes under a very-unfantastic-looking bridge.

3)In keeping with this 'very-unfantastic-looking' theme, Edenbridge has slurry of high street attractions, including a 25m swimming pool, about 5 'locals-only' pubs, numerous crap take-aways, a large Co-op (parking lot inc.), and 3 hair salons directly next to each other.
The sad thing is, all of these places at any one time are guaranteed to have more staff than customers.

4)Lastly, the most interesting thing to happen here in ages was the construction of a by-road that joins the top of the high street, goes around the large Co-op then connects back to the bottom of the street heading towards Hever. Presumably this is so drivers don't get depressed and deliberately crash their vehicle in an attempt to end it all as they pass through.

So, actually, there are only 3 things you should know about Edenbridge, since the first was really a fact about Hever.

My day off in Edenbridge was very looking very dull and depressing: with no snacks or chocolate to eat in the house I figured it was time to go outside and hope that maybe something mildly entertaining would happen.

I walked into 'The Phone Chamber' for the first time - a random phone repair shop that seems to not realize most of the town still lives in the dark ages, and prefers 'ye ol' cup n' string' method. They told me that to repair the broken phone I bought only 2 weeks ago, the cost would almost equal the phone itself. Disappointing.

I then went to Barclays to switch my account to student addictions only to find that they closed at 2:30pm. Two-Thirty! What the hell is going on there! Surely not.

Then, I walked too Boots to spend a small fortune getting just two rolls of negative developed. Hurtful.

I walked past Somerfield because the staff in there are absolutely shambolic. Honestly, a monkey with a severe case of herpes could do a better job than them. Instead, I strolled into Co-op, feeling it was high time I served myself the chocolate fix I had so long been depriving myself. I also managed to find a bargain in the 'reduced to clear' section in the form of 6 Chicken and Turkey Satays. 49p. Oh yes people.

Now I think that this post could potentially have been a lot harsher about the town that I'm living in at the moment. I was going to comment on how ugly the people here are.
Seriously I've not seen one pretty unfamiliar face in the whole 6/7 years my dad's been living here. The Johnston's ARE the only good looking family in town.
Currently, the dirty-inbred-chav look is still all the rage down in these parts. I believe the council made it mandatory for girls to wear dirty-great fake gold earrings when outside and for boys to smother their faces in hog fat every morning to as to give them that shiny acne glow.

But amongst all the upsetting knowledge I have given you about today's events, there was a saving grace...

Her name, was Clare B.

Ahh, Clare B from till 5.

I can honestly say I have not had a more intimate exchange of a five pound note for 87p in change quite like this before. Words were few, but the fire was hot. :)
She had the cutest smile and just beautiful eyes that just screamed to glanced into.
You know how it is... I'm a sucker for long glances. You look at someone and they know what you're thinking and you just know, they know, that you know that she knows what I'm thinking.
It's great fun.

I left with my receipt cluched in my hand and a wry smile on my face thinking... 'maybe Edenbridge isn't all that bad' : )

More Geek For Your Chic

2006-06-25T11:47:00.000+01:00

I thought these set of ads were quite well done by Apple...
(geek cough sniff).

Like A Robot From 1984

2006-06-11T11:08:00.000+01:00

(They were reet pleasant)

First of all - Happy Birthday Shout Outs.
Steve Ford, Laurie Steele, Newman & Ash Phillips
Hope you all thoroughly enjoyed yourselves - sorry I couldn't be there for all of you to celebrate.
Went up London on Friday - Ash kindly gave me the other half of his birthday present... 2 tickets to see The Feeling. To be honest I never heard of them, but when we got to Goodge Street, I was happily bopping along the whole gig and pleasantly surprised how good they were.

I love the fact they're bringing back the old skool, Supertramp/ELO type pop rock - with a smidgen' of Queen vocal harmonies tucked in for extra kudos.
Quite refreshing, Very amusing. :)
Stand out tracks?... Rose, Fill My Little World & of course Sewn.
Worth a good listening too I say.
After that we rendezvoused with lovely Gem, Newman & his lovely ladyfriend Carrie.
- Shout out to Carrie by the way : ) -
In no time at all we were in a tiny club called The End and paying ridicously expensive bills in exchange for a quench sized cups of vodka & redbull - half of which was ice, the bloody tight bastads.

Without fail - and it'll come to no surprise to any of you who've been clubbing with me - the events that occurred henceforth were equally shamefull, erratic, exhaustive and immediately regrettable. But all in the name of fun.

To put it another way, I danced like a rabbie-infected antelope who just discovered in some bizarre incidence, his mother was his sister, his uncle was his nephew and the world IS actually flat.

To put it another way, the clubs decision to blast an ecletic mix of hip hop, house, techno, drum & bass & and acid guaranteed my shirt was dripping with sweat the moment I got in and proceeded to dance-off anyone who had an inclining that they were more ridiculous than myself.

Feet were stepped on, dignities were forgotten, voices were strained and aftershave was absolutely pointless.

Thanks guys, great night out :)

For me, Friday night was a double celebration as I just found out a few hours prior, I got an unconditional offer from my first choice university. Well chuffed I am.
So from September onwards I'll be having the time of my life studying Multimedia Technology @ Leeds Met. Woo! The excitement & apprehension is growing.

It's going to be weird living this far away from my friends. On the other hand, I know Aylwin & Co. are not far away and of course thehumorouss Rooty Ruth is there too :)

In other news, I want to congratulate Greg, my now ex-boss who's wisely left the piss poor paid Caffe Nero nest and spread wings somewhere where he's value is actually appreciated.
Coz I never liked him anyway!
I'M JOKING GREG, I'M JOKING!
Well done buddy, don't forget to skype me now and then.

Well i'm going to eat.
It's the sunday summer and the BBQ is ripe for the cooking.

"Mange-tous, Mange-tous."

From The Bottom Of My Heart.

2006-06-04T23:26:00.000+01:00

I was just going over some of my first posts I wrote in 2004 and just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am you were subject to so much drivvle.

Not that my writing now is of any vast improvement, by any caliber
(though i did just use the word caliber just now).

It's just so cringe worthy, Im actually shocked that I thought what i wrote back then was amusing. But never mind.

The main reason I'm apologizing is because someone I've just recently caught up with is reading this and I'm pretty sure somewhere along the line, embarrassing comments have been made!

Now I realize that this is clearly not a good enough consolation post to make up for the lack of any over the month. As I've said lots of times before, I'll make sure I get back to you with more interesting things. (interestingness not a guarantee)

So in the mean time while you chew your anti depressants and millycatine gum slap, I will simply leave you, with this... Thank you please.

Hot Or Not

2006-04-25T12:30:00.000+01:00

Just a small personal experiment you understand :)
Pretty suprised by the results actually, not bad, not bad!

I wonder if glasses would make an impact on not? Hmm???

Well...

Feeling particly vain and cocky at this current moment (Blake), I challange thee to a duel.

Who's the hotter out of me and you?

You got to ask yourself one question... Do I Feel Sexy?

Well do ya?

This will be interesting!

ps. a few simple rules if you please

1. No Photoshop
2. Close-ups only - face should be noticable
3. Hats are allowed but leave facial coverage to a minium &...
4. No cheating. Voting yourself is pointless.

20 Years In The Making

2006-04-05T10:28:00.000+01:00

Technology These Days

2006-04-01T17:31:00.000+01:00

I saw this in the paper today & frankly, I'm astonded at how fast the pace today's technology is. If anyone had told me a year ago that these kind of capabilities would be possible now, I wouldn't of believed them.

I tried scanning the ad in but my my scanners cocking up, so I've had a little surf on t'internet and
found the site all about it.

Check it out and see for your self.

Apparently...

2006-03-30T22:16:00.000+01:00

Apparently I'm "insanely adorable".

No one ever told me!

Milly's Got A Brand New Link

2006-03-27T15:17:00.000+01:00

Here's another hand-clicked link for you to add and make your website look "oh-so-much-more-exciting". Just copy and paste the following code in and you're away:

<a href="http://www.mattmilhouse.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/53/118733895_74135d6fab_o.png?v=0"></a>

If you gase your eyes to the right, you may also notice I've made a few other buttons...

Milly Lomo - is my new photo community site which I'll be uploading exclusively my LOMO photography.

Steve's Knee - Is Steve Ford's own insightful blog into all things Steve releated. Suffering from a knee injury - hence the name, "steve's knee" - it also serves as a way for all concerned to check his progress... without him constantantly having to tell same story to different peeps. I like his thinking!

Hob's Blog - The same as before just a smaller button

& lastly My, You Tube - Another site I've registered with to break into video content I'll try & get some cool stuff on here for you.

Enjoy.

Love ya.

Most Triumphant, Dude

2006-03-26T23:14:00.000+01:00

Jack dude and Bill dude were most radically seperated at birth, my man.

"Excellent" - Diddllli-diddllli-dee!

What The Hell Happened To... #1

2006-03-26T17:02:00.000+01:00

NERDS...

OR DWEEBS for that matter... you remember those little sour candy nibblets that came in cardboard boxes with two flavours on either sides, right?

Both of them were fantastic - How come I don't see them in my corner shop anymore?

Where else am I going quench my sugar-rush urges?

You see kids, this is the reason why bad people turn to crack - you can't buy Nerds anymore.

Man, that Willy Wonka is losing considerable business :(

Someone please find them and buy me a packet.
JUST ONE. I GOTTA HAVE JUST ONE!

What Large Teeth You Have Granny

2006-03-24T19:02:00.000Z

I know what you're thinking - Matt you have really red cheeks...
I was thinking the same thing today.
It's takes me back just how surprisingly red they appear sometimes.

Then I started wondering why is it that they're red at all? There must be a reason for it?

I continued wondering... Maybe back in the golden age - when man wielded massive clubs, and conked them over the heads of angry dinosaurs - Man used his red cheeks, much like many of today's animals use brightly coloured signals, as a way of sex-ify-ing the opposite sex.
The redder they looked, the more likely he was to win over a mate over his lesser redded opponent.

This is probably all bollocks...

...In fact I know it's bollocks. But I liked thought of being a right sexy chap if I was born only a few millions ago. Then again, I bet all the ladies were ugly and hairy.

hmm. that's quite a compromise.

If you didn't know - which you probably don't unless your names Cami - Cami managed to make Lomographer of the day on www.lomography.com . Definitely a very cool achievement indeed. 3 Cheers and what-not.
When you check out her lomohome (link on the right --->) make sure to take a look at the 'Brighton' set as well as 'Addicted To The Park' album too. Some cracking shots there.

Dom, you got to your shizle together mate, the competition is already making it's attack.

Not to mention myself gnawing at the ankles too - Since LOMO is the new Polaroid, I bought myself a camera on eBay a while back and got my first roll back from snappy snaps the other day.

Granted, 90% of them were awful, but that's the price you pay for the wonderous delight of the LOMO spontaneity. I've stuck a few on t'internet for you to dazzle over with more to soon follow.

At the moment I'm still just trying to gauge how to use the focus, since it's pretty much a case of guess work with this camera. I'm also just using whatever colour film make I can find, so I've yet to get try cross-processing techniques and using certain rolls yadda, yadda yadda.

I've decided that I'll be sticking all LOMO shots on this lomography site as well my usual Flickr account as as I want to try and compete for the awards they compete for on lomography.

I'm pretty sure I was supposed to mention something else but I've forgotten what it was.

Though I will mention, that there's been a fair amount of people I haven't managed to keep in contact with recently and wanted to say, I haven't forgotten you. I hope that sometime soon I'll get a spare moment to catch up with you & get all the juicy gossip. At the moment I've lots of issues piling up to sort out and a few important future responsibilities to think about.

On an end note, I just wanted to add that after seeing Newman and his girlfriend Carrie the past two evenings, how thrilled I am for him that he's met such a lovely person. I really look forward to seeing them again soon.

Ta-rah my lovelys!

I'm Ready For My Close Up

2006-03-20T18:44:00.000Z

Went to the doctors this evening because I could feel a lump in my throat.

NO, I had'nt watched The Snowman today & NO, it isn't a time in a boys life when he becomes a man - before you comment.

Apparently I have a swollen Lymph Node, which I'm told is nothing to really worry about - yet.
(It's the submental ones if you're that interested)

So I feel a big phew is in order...

Phew.

In other news today. I suspect I crashed & burned in the Maestro course today but if I did then so did everyone else. Guess we'll just have to bait our breath and see.

Janitor Johnston

2006-03-19T22:30:00.000Z

My goodness.

You won't want to know what I had to clear up in store today, but I will say that there was plenty of it, & pine forest air freshner did jack-shit to get rid of it.

10hour shift in probably the quietest Nero in England - I've had less dragging days in all honesty.

A number of people text me today but for some reason my phone was cacking up and I couldn't send any messages to you. I'm sorry.

I heard from the grape vine that there was a spot of trouble in Ponge today, seems to have affected a lot of people in one way or another. Thankfully, as far as I know, no one is hurt.

Been downloading so much music recently, it's becoming an addiction. I don't even listen to the new stuff I've got, I just keep compiling and compiling. It's getting quite bad actually.

Managed to burn myself on the pasty oven AGAIN. I tell you, the amount of times i've injured myself working here I recking I should start filling out life insurance forms. That place is a death trap.

I forgot to mention last blog that I caught up with Justine the other day and had a good ol' chin wag session in Bromley(starbucks ).
...Sorry did I accidently swear just then??? :)
Hadn't seen her since Jonnie's Charity Ball, so it was good to see her again.
Some very amusing jokes and stories told.

I'm slightly worried at the moment, because sitting in my room & I keep hearing whistling noises. Now I think it's coming from my nostrils but I'm not sure.
It's barely audible, but now i've noticed it I'm hearing it all the time.
The weird thing is that I swear it's out of sync with my breathing - which is why i'm not 100% that it's coming from me.

Maybe it's a little mouse nesseling in my desktidy.

Hmm.

I feel this is a bit of a strange blog today, since it's all a lot of mini broken stories rather than my usual long-winded rant about something tedious and irrelevant. But nevermind, this could still work.

Doing a Maestro test tomorow in Covent Garden to see wheather or not I'm good enough to make a few quick bucks on the side, training new coffee makers like myself, circa six odd months ago.

Hopefully it all falls into plan.

Wiitaaz Blokk

2006-03-18T09:38:00.000Z

Look, I don't really have much about to write about today.
Here's a pretty picture*, now Bog Off.

* original picture created by swi

Officially 1000x Bigger Than Capital FM

2006-03-15T23:18:00.000Z

Check... It... Out.

A well deserved round of applause from everyone please.

Order In Court

2006-03-14T22:27:00.000Z

Today, 2 things happened.

Only 2.

The first thing being that I received a letter to say I'm up for jury service.

The second thing being that I found out the reason Biffa (caffe nero's waste collecting people) didn't pick up yesterday's rubbish, was because someone broke into their HQ.

Now apart from the obvious questions arising around why anybody would want to break into a waste removal depot, I have my suspicions that today's two events could be connected.

Hmm.

Either way, Those filfy muggas are going DOWN!

Today I Met A Tosser

2006-03-13T21:08:00.000Z

Quite simply, today I met a tosser.

And me being me - exclusively surrounded by circles of highly intelligent & classy looking people - it's been a while since I last came across one.

I was, in all truth, a little taken back by how much of an idiot he made himself out to be.

Now as much as I love customers. A lot of them ARE stupid, and any attempt to be clever usually gets slapped back in their face, the poor souls.

This guy... (I say guy - he was more of a 17 year old schmuck)... This schmuck wanted a large hot chocolate which I happily made for him.

As always, I did my "six steps" stint and offered him a stamp for his loyalty card, which had only two more spaces before it was full (a full loyalty card gets you a free drink as you should already know). I gave him one, for which he was very happy for, and in return he payed his money.

...Now it's at this point that I can imagine he just remembered the little anecdote his pub mate told him the night before about how he managed to get a full Nero card without paying at all.

I turn to face the coffee machine to make a latte for myself, which is about the when I hear a casual voice from the schmuck I just served behind me call out,

"Oh yeah... can I have a look at that stamper?" - his loyalty card still on the counter.

Clearly this punk thought I had no idea what was going to happen if I let him "have a look at the stamper".

Hmmmmm... let's have a think about this one... sure... I'll give you the stamp so you can look at it then stamp then stick one on your card... yeah... that sounds like a great plan.

Idiot.

I turned round and held the stamp, showing him what it looked like.

"Yeah, can I hold it?" he says.

To which I fairly reply "Errr. No."

He sighs and exclaims to me "Oooooh, I was going to put a stamp on the card. A he he he!", smiling as if it was a hilarious prank he nearly pulled off, though clearly disappointed by the fact it hadn't work as well as his mate told him it would.

"No, were you?" in my politely sarcastic way.

"Yeah! It worked in Bromley last time."

"Did It... ...Goodbye sir."

All I can say is watch out Caffe Nero Bromley, you certainly have a real sly ol' fox on your hands there.

What a dipstick.

Farewell Home Of Nestlé

2006-03-07T23:59:00.000Z

Past two day's have been pretty funny.

You could feel the testosterone dripping in Nero. Vincent, Kris & I - the three of us working today's shift - were getting proper flirty with some of the nice looking ladies asking for coffee's :)

This is even more amusing when you consider the fact that it was mostly coming from me and the fact the Vincent - a man that's look the age of a twentysomething year old - is actually 38!

Can you believe that? Incredible.

I also got a number of lovely farewell sentiments and messages from a number of my customers, as it is official now that I no longer work for East Croydon Nero as I'm to be transferred to the more centrally located West Wickham store.

Thank you in particular to Charley, Charli & Aysha for your messages - I've stuck the card & post-it's on my wall already.

Yesterday after work I partook in some girly shopping - with a number of girls (strangely enough).

Cami - also known as the girl who never leaves nero - was planning to buy a pair of shoes and a handbag that she had already picked out, but of course - being a lady an all - she ended up not buying either; resulting in us walking around 20 shops seemingly aimlessly for over an hour while I desperately struggled to not go blind from witnessing the sheer number of women's clothing on.

If you include that along with my efforts of being as non-opinionated about any item of clothing that was followed by the question "What do you think it this then?," it's any wonder how I didn't actually keel over and die from the stresses placed upon myself.

I realise now what they mean when they say those prada are to die for. (ba-dum-psshhhh-crap-joke)

To me, shopping to me is like dancing in clubs - I don't mind it but half the time I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

So it's my last day in East Croydon Nero and it was all quite emotional - and even though I'll be popping in now and then, I has to be said that I will miss a lot of my regulars and coworkers very much, even the barstad ones (I'm talking about the customers of course).

So as a closing statement in tribute to them, I have chosen to write down a list of my most memorable customers while working at East Croydon;

The Girls: Cami, Charley, Charley, Mimi, Helena, Nik, Kelly and the other's I can't remember the names of because there's so many of you (small hot chocolates with cream coz they come hear ALL THE TIME and now have no money) - How much mess can you make, yeah? Flippin heck. No honestly, I love it when you're in store because you're all fun and very nice to look at! :)

The CEX guys: Ryan, Ollie & Dave and the other one who won't give me discount (small latte's and panini's) - easily the most laid back bunch of people I've met. You ROCK the small latte.

The Harry Potter Crew (tea americanos coz they think they're too good for hot chocolate) - u smell and have the cheek to not always buy something then bring in your own food PLUS the girls were here first, so push off)

Raymond / Takeaway Regular Skinny Mocha Man - I like the way you roll your eyes when you're tired and haven't had a coffee. I'm also very impressed that you secretly write opera's in your free time!

Aysha / Grande Skinny Mocha Lady - You're extremely cheeky but always smiling happy and I can't believe you're the age you are :)

Small Black English Tea Lady - I wished you smiled - you're not very happy and it makes you look old and wrinkly.

Crazy Lady & Geordie Husband (regular cap, regular tea, glass of ice water & lemon and poppyseed muffin) - We've had our up and downs but you seem to be taking your medicine now and are a lot better for it. Hope the asbestos in your house gets sorted.

Giovanni & Wife (expresso & regular tea) - very pleasant people and greatly treasured customers. Thank you for your compliments.

Marion & Artist Friend (regular americano w/ hot milk and grande latte - once again, the ultimate in caffe nero regulars. Always here without fail.

Smiley old man - (regular cap no chocolate) when I'm old I want a face as smiley as yours... I love making you're coffee without you even asking for it.

The Lovers (2 regular white americanos) - Never have I met a couple as passionate as you two... It's lovely to see. You're also lovely people.

The Two Teachers (Regular Tea & Cappuccino w/ Almond Torta Take Away) I wish you were my teachers when I was at school.

The Chimney Man (small tea WITH TRAY) you are a ridiculous smoker plus you're quite scruffy. I don't know you do it but it's funny to watch.

Costa (Grande Soya Hot Chocolate not too hot) - If there's a camper Spaniard in Croydon, I don't want to know about him. Thank you for your compliments.

David Walsh & associate (Regular Latte and...) - A Gentleman if ever there was one, and thoroughly likeable person and one who remembers my name.

French Lady (Small Earl Gray Tea) - I just wanna say a whole bunch of nice French words to you.

The Germans (latte's, chais and americanos) Great representatives of your country.

& a whole lot more regulars... unfortunately ther're just too many of you to mention - It's been a pleasure serving you, Thank you very much, the sugar's to your left.

Look At That

2006-03-05T09:32:00.000Z

Fancy eh?

NEW BUTTONS!

I hope you're appreciating these people.

Why is it something so small can end up taking literally the whole of the night to make?

Extremely fiddely but I'm thrilled to bits with how they look (snort-geek-cough).

Still a teeny weeny bit of finishing touches that I need to do (Blake or Greg man, I'm gonna need your help for this sometime).

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted the blasted wireless internet was down in my room.

Lots has happened whish I probably won't get the effort to tell you, like usual - but the important thing is that it happened - whether you knew about it or not.

Catch you round... I'm off to Sutton to work with the lovley people at Caffe Nero.
(So much of a nicer crowd than that "Croydon" lark.)

Note To Self #2

2006-02-06T00:38:00.000Z

Stop having late nights. Get some sleep, you zombie.

Note To Self #1

2006-02-04T13:25:00.000Z

toothpaste goes on teeth, not in hair.

Kleenex

2006-02-03T22:10:00.001Z

...Thank you! Thought that was really sweet. Put a smile on my face after what was generally a pretty cruddy day. "Glad to be of service my fellow hot chocolatonians :)"

Thursday night after close-down I hooked up with Ash & Newman for a quick drink in The Crown. It must of been my lucky night, as once again I ended up sharing a bed with Newman... As well as the Ash man too.

Mmm, Male Threesomes - Don't knock it until you try it people. (I'm kidding)

Seriously, looking back at that, I do think that that is an experience which could be potentially mind scarring if it was for the fact this wasn't the first time this has happened.

Personally, I wouldn't recommend it though... I've learnt that when it comes down to it, men are greedy-duvet-hogging-bastards. The fact that I spent most of my time desperately trying to ignore the accompanying nose whistling & bed farting while teetering precariously on the mattress edge, meant that a good night's sleep was out of the question.

Still, the pillow talk was entertaining :p

In other news today, as well discovering only a few hours ago that I spent the whole day wearing a big yellow poker on end of my nose for all to gawp at, I'm starting to feel the growing symptoms of a delightful virus, known as the common cold.

For those of you who don't know, the common cold is a charming old chap who likes to remind as all what it must feel like to be a leakey bathroom tap that suffers from a version of Tourettes Syndrome - one being that he would involuntarily shout "sniff" every 6 seconds.

The common cold also will often have you buying a number of popular remedies such as 'Lockets' or 'Lemsip' from your local pharmacy and listening to mother's sound advice, such as the fact you shouldn't drink milk, standing on your head for 5mins will help and always "wrap up warm"

NB: I regret to announce all of these examples will not make the slightest bit of difference. You'll still feel shit whatever.

What's more, the common cold will also give you the impression that everything and everyone around you is shit, and that life is just a piss pot for an giant cockroach living in space.

I envisage plesant times ahead for myself.

Sorry, I can tell already that I sound a right winge-y dipstick.
My apologies if I act a little off to any of you in the next few days.

It's just that along with wasps, I think colds are one of the most unnecessary existences in the rich tapestry that we call life.

If I'm going to be ill man, the kinder thing to do would be to at least give me an valid illness excusable of a sick day.

Jeez!

Funny Titbit #1

2006-01-26T18:48:00.000Z

Just reading this issues Empire Magazine... apparently WalMart, have been accused of racism because it's website recommends you to buy Martin Luther King & Tina Turner DVD's when Planet Of The Apes is typed in! Oops!

Partyboy

2006-01-23T00:27:00.000Z

It seems that we've come to a point in our family hood where my mother would rather I slept outside in the porch way rather than the possibility of burglar ever thinking of coming to raid our belongings.

Friday night, or rather Saturday morning, after a thoroughly enjoyable time at Aisce's leaving doo (my real boss ;p), I eventually got to Hayes - once again completely missing my bus stop in West Wickham, thanks to the drowsiness that alcohol endeavours.
Stumbling along in the general direction to my house, I found myself desperately resisting the urge to fall asleep walking, only safe in the knowledge that I was only a few yards away from my nice cosy bed.
I had my keys ready in my hand - often half the battle won - only to find myself greeted by the enormous "CLUNKing" sound that comes with trying to open the front door whilst the latch is on.

"WTF... oh bloody hell" - my mum's locked me out the house.

I can imagine that this has probably happened to a number of us out there (Aye & Dom certainly know this is not the first time for me), and that's just life sometimes. But the ridiculous thing about his is that my Mother knew I was coming back! According to her, as it was past 3:30am, she figured I wouldn't be coming back and therefore put the door on the latch, "coz you never know".

Now I realise mothers will be mothers, but I find this quite a annoyingly paranoid perception of home security especially when you have seen all the other methods my Mum uses to deter the boogiemen from entering - And when you end up huddled up in the corner of the porch way trying to sleep whilst icicles are forming around your nostrils and other parts, this opinion is magnified somewhat 10 fold.

It gets to 5:00am now, and I have successfully been half-asleep for around an hour. But enough was enough, and the time had come to break into my own home. It's at this instant that I am so thankfully I have a skinny stature, as, with my slim wrists I amazingly managed to take the latch off in less than 10 seconds (NB. keep this information to yourself, yeah?!)
Thank the heavens, I'm inside! I tell you, my bed had never felt so comfortable in my life.

So yeah, that was yesterday morning. Usually for me that would be enough excitement for a week. But it seems that regardless of my increasing tiredness, my charms and natural wit had been called into invitation for two nights in a row. (I'm joking about charms and natural wit btw)

Jonnie & Carwyn's charity ball was last night and I have to say I was absolutely astonished at all the work that went into it. Everything went smoothly the music (Backdrop Beat) was fantastic, and the company wonderful as ever.

I got a cab and picked up Justine from her house. Of course she looked absolutely ffantastic, unfortunately I knew it would only be a matter of time in the night before she would have to be witness to the Milly dancefloor moves. Woaw is me.

I have a few new pictures which you're welcome to see along with a few others from various places and occasions, but I would really like to receive the snaps other people took as well so please email them to me if you can.

I'm deciding that with my 4 day escapism form the torments that I can Nero I'm going to visit Aylwin in Leeds again, creating havoc and mayhem at every turn possible.

Till then, I have a spot of job seeking to do, as it's about time that I thought about earning more dosh so I can move out of this venue that I call home and into my own place. Shock, Horror. Can you imagine..?
I feel sorry for the landlord already.
(Poor little bugger)

p.s's
Happy Birthday Max!
Jonnie & Carwyn - A big thank you to the both of you for a fantastic evening, you should feel very proud about what you are doing.
The Family Steele - thanks for driving me home last night.
Thanks G & Adam & Justine for buying me drinks. I owe you one (each, of course)!
Howard - Know it's probably too late now, but I have the ultimate love song for you.
Jane Gillanders, finally got those photos on t'internet for you to see, let me know if you want any emailed to you.
Farewell Aisce! If I don't see you, I'm hoping you the most 'fantastish' time in Samos. Please send me a postcard sometime (or just a holiday txt if that's to old fashioned for you!).
Louise & Chris - where are you? Are you in Budapest now? What's it like? Let me know.
Rachel Archer - where are you? My favourite Nero lady, you seemed to have dissapeared off the face of the planet. I need to find out if things are as bad in Lincon Nero as they are over here! Please contact me :)
Lastly Note to everyone - I have a webcam now. Yay! Please come and visit me on MSN whenever and I'll pull a few silly faces for you if you like.

Biggup #2

2006-01-22T21:39:00.000Z

MAD LOVE GOING OUT TO MY BOSS IN NERO.
(For giving me 4.5 days off next weekend)
Bo! :)

So Exciting

2006-01-18T14:16:00.000Z

Now calm down..! I know you're all very excited and desperatly peeing yourselfs in wonder of what the new thingy on the right is.

(Well gather round children & I'll tell you)

Thanks to Hob showing me this cool little tool, you can now see exactly what music I've been listening to on my iTunes Libary up to the very last second. It's very cleaver. Comes from a place called Last.fm . There's a whole community out there in which you can find others users with simaliar musical interests to you. And then once you've played enough music to give you decent outlook into what you like, they basically create your own online radio staion for you to listen to.

As I understand, it's also an excellent way to discover new bands as well as put your own music online and get it heard along with all the big signed names out there (Aylwin and co. - I defininatly recommend this).

I've only been using it since the early hours of yesterday night, so the chart showing my 'most listened to artists' is a bit bare as you can tell... Especially when I have collected over 250 artists' material like I do (boast).

But over time, you'll see this chart gets more accurate. So keep checkin it out and I'll show you what real music is all about.

Biggup

2006-01-18T00:38:00.000Z

Shout out to the Howard Z.

(my brotha from anotha mutha)

I'm Late, I'm Late, I'm Late!

2006-01-16T12:32:00.000Z

My bloody work keys are stuck behind the freggin' radiator!

Fatter, Happyier, Not Productive

2006-01-16T11:45:00.000Z

Man what a flippin' amazing meal.
I mean that was good.
I'm not joking.
Ohh, beautiful.
Mmmmm gosh that was tasty.
Man I'm full up.
I can't even move I'm so full.

Last night I went to Liz Kennedy's house (old skool friend, likes horses) to celebrate Tom Wild's Birthday (other old skool french-ish friend, thinks he's french). Liz cooked an absolutly amazing meal for myslef, Tom, Ash, & Mr Matt Shaw & the lovely Helen Shaw.

There was peppers, pasta & pavalova & plenty nostalgic Ravens Wood moments. Followed by a long philisophical hour discussion about life, the universe & everything. Mr Fortune, our R.S teacher would be proud.

Hella good, but now I have work soon & I really think I'm going to collapse into a Milly shaped puddle the second someone mentions anything to do with food.

Also crashed at Newman's in the early hours and ended up being cornered to the 6 outer inches of his double bed whilst he took up the rest.
First time I've slept with the Newman actually - was a special moment for me, but he farts a hell of a lot and to be honest I think I prefer sleeping on the ly-lo instead. Ash, you sleep with him next time, you suit each other.

Bye chaps.

Ps. Jus, I saw you walking down the Bromley high street yesterday night. :) I waved but I don't think you saw, and I didn't think it was worth embarressing you in an Alan Partridge homage. Be seeing you soon tho :) x

Get well soon Ren, don't let the chickens get you down x

Mates With Gandhi

2006-01-11T16:23:00.000Z

Did a little political quesionnaire today...
Turns out I'm a left-wing libertarian, whatever that means.
I guess it makes sence, since I am left handed afterall :)
You should give it a try - the websites called Political Compass.
It's a little bit long (kinda like most of these blogs), but the questions are varied and it explains your results to you afterwards.

Recently I've been flittering my money away in greasy spoons. Well not just any Greasy Spoon, the Greasy Spoon - Pride Of Venice - kind of a long standing tradition for me and Aylwin. We've been going there on and off since our sixth form days I think. Real good portions and decent prices. Unfortunatly under new management now though plus they've painted the walls a wierd yellow colour now.

But you must take a visit sometime.
Cordinates: 51°25'4.17"N (Lat) 0° 3'32.12"W (Long)

Yesterday I had the "Sarah Special" while Aye went for his usual Double Sausage, Egg, Bacon & Chips.

I'm sure you're all riverted to know that.

Anyway, I had a good time yesterday helping out with Guest Of Honour's demo tape recording. (hope I didn't make such a crappy job guys). Their worship track sounds absolutly amazing they were also doing a heavy Hendrix cover too - I'm really looking forward to the Demo's release.

Anyways I'm out, catch you later peeps.

p.s. Thanks for the pay rise boss!

Also I'd be quite interested in finding out in what politaical position you all stand - just for interests sake.

The Madness Of King Newman

2006-01-09T12:59:00.000Z

(click for a bigger pic)

R. Kelly - He Ain't

2006-01-06T11:50:00.000Z

I think quite possibly,
most probably,
ubdenieably...

that with the help Aylwin & Sam we had discovered..
The Worst Musical Act In History ever to make it to the iTunes Music Store.

How this is possible that anyone could of made this sound SOOO BAD is beyond believe.

What's even more bemusing is how iTunes thought it deemed credible enough for them to actually sell it. Surly it would have been wiser to forward it to the S.A.S. as a radicle new interrogation technique?

See for yourself.

And for the love of God, please make sure you have something to cover your ears just incase it all becomes too much to handle!

(you'll need iTunes on your computer to listen to it of course)

A Crap Story.

2006-01-06T00:08:00.000Z

Now I'm not usually one to delve into toilet humour for shits and giggles, (excuse the pun) but I must of done one of the loudest trouser trumpets on the top deck of the 194 bus this morning.
Even I was taken back in suprise by it's uninvited presence.
Sounded exactly like how I'd imagine a New Yorker would sound if he said "What?" while you were sitting on his face.
It's a good thing no-one else was on the top deck with me - I very much doubt that i could bluff my way out of that ambient disgrace for one second.

I'm Going Slighty Mad.

2006-01-04T16:56:00.000Z

Great start today. I wake up at 8:15am today, and realise that I have work at 8:30am.

Obviously this leaves me in a tricky situation.

Like a pre-op transexual who's finds out it's half price surgery day, I get changed in a flash.
I'm rushing around for my keys, i can't find a clean apron anywhere and dirty socks are flying all over the place.

And then I look at the clock again and it's only 7:25am.
PHHHEEEEWWW!
I have a whole half hour to get ready. I can relax.
So then i stick a wickid new dressing gown on that even Hugh Hefner would be jelous of, and go down stairs and make myself some breaky.

I'm halfway through drowning my shreddies in milk when I look at the clock but this its 8:30am.

...?...

Either i accidently broke though the space time continuim and traveled an hour ahead in time, or I'm having major trouble remembering how to tell the time properly.
Once again I end up rushing around for my keys, and scattering dirty socks across the bedroom in desperate search of clean laundry.

"Bloody hell, I'm late for work."

30 minutes later, my hair look like it's been trampled on and i still stink of yesterdays coffee, but I'm at work and I think I'm okay for now, I think.

My only worries about this are that things like this seem to happen to me a lot more often than usual. Which is why I've started researching into prenile-senile disorder ...I wonder if it exists?

If it doesn't, I want to invent it but I'll change the name to Milhouse disorder, so I can remember it that the illness is from being myself.

Also I was told today that the link to my website that I so kindly spent time designing for you all has a typo. So not only do I have Milhouse disorder, I can't even spell my own name.
I would say disslexick, but I can't spell that either.

I'll sort it out sometime tomorrow and give you all an updated version. Kushty.

Which reminds me I have a new internet buddy self named Frogz, who's just started writing his own blog - which I might add is a very interesting, if slightly cynickle read. The only bad thing about this is he just so happens to be my French boss, so I can't write anything slagging him off about how shit his coffees are. Bugger.

Only joking man, your coffees are absolutly fine :)
(better not say anymore, he's a lot bigger than me)

Check him out. (You can't miss him)

Happy New Year by the way.
I just realised this is the first blog of 2006. "Woo Hoo!"

Hope you enjoyed yourselves as much as I did.
Went to Cheltenham and saw Cozin Jane & Kate. Had a fun time watching a very merry Kate in action at some funky club. I'll post some photos up a.s.a.p

One last thing. I don't want anymore nicknames please. I like Milhouse & Milly. No more.
I can't even count the amount I've had during my existance! Flippin eck.
Grandpa,
Milky Bar Kid (obviously),
Four Eyes,
Guiness,
& Shithead are to name just a few.
Today Miggy & Peppe at work started calling me William Wallace for reasons I can't understand. Then they changed it to Frodo coz I tried to explain to Miggy that Cheltenham was in the Midlands.
So yeah.
Just Milhouse please.

Right I'm out. I've got a bloody deep clean at the Caffe Nero to attend to this evening coz my lousy French boss won't let me watch the game at t'pub instead.

(Lousey Frenchman) : )

Gonna Party Like It's..?

2005-12-30T10:52:00.000Z

Finally!

Internet has arrived in my bedroom - Huzzar!
Karma is in order, birds are chirping in rejoyce and the world is a better place.
Fantastic news I think you'll agree.

I'm going up to Cheltenham tomorrow morning to celebrate the New Years with my grandparents and cousins. Really looking forward to seeing them actually, it's been quite a while so I'm gonna try and get some fresh photos of the occasion.
Not quite sure yet weather it's going to be a "sit-and-watch-other-people-on-telly-pretend-to-be-having-fun" kind of New Year, or a "go-into-town,-find-a-funky-bar,-get-happy-stupid-and-end-up-hugging-random-stranger" kind of New Year.

I'm hoping it's the huggy one personally :)

Well hope you all have a great time aswell, look after yourselfs, & don't get too happy stupid.

ps. Happy Birthday Jesus,
Happy Birthday Mother Dearest,
Happy Birthday Jus,
& Happy Birthday Brother Of Jus, Blake Jones
all my love to ya all x

Cause & Effect

2005-12-24T19:03:00.000Z

Universally, it is widely regarded that "cause & effect" is a common activity that keeps the world going round.
For Instance, without the cause of sunlight, photosynthesis would struggle to continue and all the poor little plants would eventually die which, in effect would then make all us poor little humans eventually die too, hence - cause and effect can have a very important role.

Another example of cause and effect with slightly less importance would be putting myself on one side of a room for 5 hours, free drinks on the other, and then seeing what happens when the two conjoin.
It probably comes no surprise to you that the effects of the following story include scenes of moderate over-confidence, mild calamity, and strong embarrassment throughout.

Prologueing very briefly, Alex Parks - the winner of Fame Academy - has a new album out and is currently Caffe Nero's 'artist of the month'. A while back, my lovely boss, Aisce (pr. Es-ka) and I were at the pub when she asked me if I would like to help her out selling tickets for Alex's gig which Caffe Nero had organised up in London's well known pub, The Bedford. She told me 'there would be free drinks of course', and, as I was already in a un-sober state I immediately of course said 'YES!'

Skipping the few days between then and now, I find myself in some random back hallway of the Bedford listening to the echoing sound of the warm-up band practising, and there's a pint of Guinness in my hand.

To be honest, once I got there and was introduced to the main people working behind the scenes, I had absolutely no idea what it was I was supposed to be doing! The fact that no one else helping out knew what was happening either didn't help much.

So for the first 5 or 10 minutes I tried walking around pretending to look like I was very involved, after that I ended up staring at the sound man fiddling with his hugely complicated looking mixing desk and then after that, tried directing my Boss and Pablo (the man in charge of what music Caffe Nero plays) to whether their sign should go to The 'left-a-bit' or The 'right-a-bit'. Then I went back to staring at a list of names on a piece of paper, attempting to play Clair-de-lune on a de-tuned piano... and that was pretty much the only contributing aspect I remember towards making this a successful gig.
They eventually told me I just needed to be by the doors from 10:30pm to 11pm in case there were any late arrivers. But by that time they realised that there wasn't going to be any late arrivers I was made pretty much redundant of any responsibilities.

Nevermind.
Luckily, I still managed to have a flippin' awesome time listening to some wicked live music* and yapping away to a bunch of very interesting people. Probably one of the best socials I've had for yonks.

As the drinks carried on coming, I was explaining to Guiseppe - my Italian workmate - how the education system works here in the UK whilst in tern, learning that he has a PhD in Law, which is something slightly surprising for someone who currently just makes coffee everyday.
Then I got chatting to the guy who hosted the Bedford's music acts finding out he was the keyboardist from the Cutting Crew. If you don’t know who they are, they had a major number one hit in the 80's - (I Just) Died In Your Arms - and faded into obscurity soon after I believe. Classic track, always reminds me of the soundtrack from GTA Vice City myself.
He did a few songs before the warm-up as well, including one called 'How Can I Love You?'. I thought was excellent, lovely chords, very Lennon sounding. His name's Toby Moore... if anyone can find me the song I'm talking about, let me know yeah?

After that - and this is about the time the alcohol had kicked in - I started chatting up a fine young lady in a green hat named April - who just so happened to be Alex Park's-manager's-son's-girlfriend.

She was sitting by the merchandise stall looking very lonely so I thought it might be nice to keep her company, and why not after all? Everything seemed to be going very well and friendly until her boyfriend's Mum - Alex Parks's manager - came to talk to her.

Now it's important for me to point out & I want to make this perfectly clear to you, that by this time I had consumed a my second Guinness as well as 1 and a 1/2 large glasses of red wine, ok?
I stood back and waited by the merchandise for them to finish talking. As I was feeling nicely fuzzy and delightedly happy with the current situation that I was in, I unconsciously started waving my half full glass in a circular motion like the guys you see doing it on wine tasting shows. Much was the extend of my circular~waving motion, that of course the wine goes flying out of the glass and conveniently lands all over the merchandise table, immediately getting soaked up by the very large pile of Alex Parks posters on display.

HOW SHIT DO I FEEL RIGHT NOW? HONESTLY?

PRETTY SHIT.

Bugger, Bugger, Bugger..!

I know I'm quite susceptible to these sort of occasions - even without drinking involved - but really, who would of thought waving your wine glass around could land you into such trouble!?! :S

I count my lucky stars this time that no one had noticed!
They were still talking to each other, which gave me a perfect opportunity to very casually leave the crime scene with no indication as to whom the real culprit was. I felt so guilty.
How had I got away with this?
How much property damage had I delivered?
How many angry fans will there be, knowing they can't get a poster signed?
What if they had saw me?
Worse..! What if Alex found out it was me!?!
I watched through the crack of a doorframe as they later discovered the edges of the posters were all warped and most noticeably, red. Oh god that was bad.

Thankfully I'm still here and there was no CCTV evidence pointing me out. Which also is quite handy, as I later discovered when I got home that there was an Alex Parks T-shirt in my coat pocket. I have no recollection of how it got there, or even why I have it in XXL.
I think, I must have nicked it. I mean, why else would I have it unless I attempted to nab the closest souvenir I could find?

Why else would they sell XXL t-shirts unless everyone did the same thing that I must of done?
I did actually get the opportunity to say hello to Alex (very small she was) but seeing as I destroyed a fair bit of her merchandise, it probably wasn't best to say too much really.
Later in the evening, I spoke to the bassist member of Helen Boulding (the actual warm-up act) who was a very cool guy and must have had the most ridiculous-looking coat that I have seen in ages. Awesome.
Then a little natter with few of the happy fans including a hilarious Aussie fella who didn't seem to want leave, as well as a cool camera enthusiast who was telling me all about the flash gun mounted on his Fuji Camera - the same one that I lost in Venice.
By the end of the night I got a number of emails and left feeling very peckish.

Bless you, Balham Kebab shop.

Now, I know I got on the train to East Croydon. That is for certain. I also know that I closed my eyes as I was feeling very tired and knew that I had a number of steps in which to kip before I got to Croydon. But once again, thanks to the delights of alcoholic drinkery, the rest is a blur and I was soon abruptly woken up by a 119 bus driver who wanted me to get off as I was at the end of the bus route in bloody Bromley North!
How long had I been travelling?
How the heck did I get on a bus?!?
Bloody Hell it's late!
I had totally missed my stop meaning I'd have to get the next bus in the opposite direction, eventually arriving at my house about 1:15am!

Flip me I was tired, but it was a bloody fun night though!

Merry Christmas Everyone, Have a fantastic day! x

*Just in case you might ask, I don't remember hearing any of Alex Park's stuff so weather or not she was good, my street cred is safe for now!

Probably The Most Jealous I've Ever Been.

2005-12-18T00:29:00.000Z

You know, I can't describe to you in words just how envyious I am.
Dom's photography just keep getting better & better.
Blast his talented index finger!

The Top Ten Of Caffe Nero

2005-12-17T21:25:00.000Z

Top Ten Most Popular Barista Sayings:
"Chocolate on your cappuccino?"
"Drink in or take away?"
"Do you have a loyalty card on you today?"
"Regular or Grande ma’am?"
"Yeah, what kind of coffee?" (you dim-wit)
"Sugar's on your left."
"If you'd like to come to this till PLEASE!"
"Toasted?"
"Black or White?"
"The toilet is for customers only sir."

My Top Ten Favourite Caffe Nero Drinks:
1. Regular latte, extra shot
2. Grande Hot Chocolate with strawberry syrup
3. Single Espresso
4. Ice Water and Almond Syrup*
5. Banana & Pinapple Fruit Booster
6. Caffe Milano with cream
7. Small Cream & Coconut Syrup*
8. Grande Strawberry, Vanilla & Irish Milkshake*
9. Coke Cola with Cinnamon Syrup*
10. Chocolate mint expresso*
*custom made milhouse drinks

Top ten most bizarre quotes from customers:
"Can I have a double de-caff espresso please?"
"I'd like a grande-skinny-wet-hazelnut-soya-latte to have here but in a paper cup, Extra Hot... and with 4 shots."
"Two latte's... one regular, one just a quarter shot of coffee."
"How big is the small size?"
"Is it alright if you take out the filling and just toast the panini bread, then put the filling back in for me?"
"I'll have a grande black Americano" (then after made) "Can i also have some milk with that?"
"So, do you do like a cold hot chocolate?"
"Just give me a bog-standard coffee"
"Can I have a different croissant, this one's a bit flat"
"Do you serve beer here too?"

to be continued!...

Have A Happy Chavy Christmas

2005-12-16T21:31:00.000Z

a very funny email sent to me by Rachel Archer on 14 December 2005,
_________________________________________________________

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, butshe's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got oneup the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled withspirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and Ireckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah,s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain'tno room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wivanimals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bringgold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's gotanother message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Milhouse, The Stud Muffin

2005-12-15T21:08:00.000Z

I don't know if it's just me imagining things, but when I'm working in Caffe Nero, I've been getting a lot of long glances from various girls recently.

Good looking girls at that!

I mean, obviously it's fully understandable, look at me... I'm a sexy beast aren't I?
But for me it's really quite unsettling for me when this happens, because I'm never quite sure how I should take it?

As I've learned over the years - a girl's mind is a very dangerous place!

What they seem to be thinking and what they actually are thinking, are often two completely separate thoughts. Therefore, weather I assume that they dig me, or actually are confused as to how they got free tickets to the freak show is uncertain.
Hows a guy supposed to know for sure without making an ass of himself by making assumptions?

So yeah, just earlier today, there were these two pleasantly appealing young ladies who I served coffee to and then whilst I'm later washing dishes, I'm told by my Italian co-worker that they are both stareing at me.

Of course, as soon as someone tells you that your being watched, you get all paranoid and end up looking like a total prat by pretending you were unaware and then try acting as casually cool as possible.

Note to self: This never works.

I end up dropping 2 muffins & a soup bowl on the floor then finding I have an insatiable desire to sneeze, causing my face to resemble somewhat of a deranged baboon who overdosed on bananas.
Mmm, slick.

Nevertheless, they definitely were looking at me for a long time. And when I said goodbye to them I & got another smiley glance in my direction. I think it's hilarious. Can’t really understand it myself.

As a result of this, I've decided that if I happen to see them again, I'll try to say slightly more than my usual sales pitch and spark some friendly conversation!

Exciting stuff in the world of Milhouse!

T.T.F.N.
(Day off tomorrow! Yay!)

Blood Bath

2005-12-12T17:34:00.000Z

Evening guys.

If anyone has a freakyer story to tell that happened to them in the past few days, I salute you:

I'm taking my usual Sunday morning soak in the tub, right?

The bubbles are bubbly, my fingers are all shriveled up and the water is just the right temperature.

You probably think this is weird, but usually when I'm in the tub, I like holding my breath underwater for a long as possible - don't ask me why, but it sort of makes me get in a relaxed state of mind for the rest of the week.
So far, my personal best is 2mins 30 seconds... which is impressive I think, although I'm not positive that that source of material is very accurate, firstly as it's coming from me, and secondly because I don't think I'm very good at counting underwater.

Anyway, it's get the about 58, 59 seconds and I think "you, know, it might be a nice opportunity to grab some fresh air and start breathing again, don't you think?"

I go back up.

Low and behold, when I open my eyes I was absolutely freaked shitless by the fact that the water WAS NOT the same colour as when i started...

EAH ERR! 'Something's not right here!'

I had a flippin nose bleed in the water and I hadn't even noticed! Eww!

It took me a while to figure out why the water was a dark bloody red colour & I tell you, it was like something out of a friggin horror movie!

I stopped myself from screaming in case my mother might rush upstairs to help and inevitably see me starkers in a pool of red stuff - The one thing that could only be worse than what was happening now!

Then of course, after the initial shock I realized that, yes I was actually bathing in my own blood - which is nether particularly pleasant, or hygienic.

And in case you were wondering, no, it doesn't give you eternal life either.

What's worse, I had to take a freezing cold shower after, as I already used all the hot water in the tank.

So much for a Sunday morning soak, aye?

Well, never mind.

Right, funnily enough, I'm off to give more blood, but this time to someone who needs it more than me!

Catch you round.

p.s. my pc just arrived! yay!

With A Link, Link Here & A Link, Link There...

2005-12-05T11:42:00.000Z

Milhouse Link
Originally uploaded by matt_milhouse.

Being the absolute time waster that I always was at heart, I decided the it was high time that I did something on my low-priority list and create a few pictures links for my various webspaces that you no doubt have visited once before... Purely just to fulfill my aesthetic demands for this website and make it look it's most prettiest.

Vis-a-vis, what you see before you is an example of how you can fill up an hour of your time whilst ever increasing the risk of burning the back of your corneas and getting permanent cramp in your index finger so you end up looking a bit like E.T.'s cousin.

Look a likkle bit more to your right and you'll likely see some more new picture links including one for my Flickr Gallery (green), one for my older Yahoo Gallery (black & white) and even a fancy looking one for Dom's Photography, coz I'm a nice guy afterall.

Don't they look pretty, eh?

So anyway, getting to the point that I'm trying to make, if anyone else has a website or picture gallery (and I like you), then I'd be more than happy to make a picture link for you and stick on my site for others to visit.

Random Goader #1:"Sounds to good to be true... what's the catch Milhouse?"

Random Goader #2:"Yeah Milhouse, what's the catch?Huh? Huh?"

Well, in return, I would be most appreciative of this orange link above appearing on your site... Which only seems a fairly reasonable gesture of good will. & Everyone wins.

But i'm not forcing you... I'd probably make a link for you anyway.

Seeing as my ultra basic knowledge of HTML managed for me to discover that you'll need all this coding...

<a href="http://www.mattmilhouse.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/34/70422884_47eb174397.jpg?v=0"></a>

I'm sure that you'll know what you need to do for it.

Let me know if you succeed or even if you didn't.

Take Care, Chat Laters

p.s's

Gem, Ash & Collet: Cool night at the Harvester guys, Thanx.

Barclays ATM: Stop lying about my balance, I must have more money than that.

Steve Ford or Tommy: I am delighted to see my picture on the website, thank you. Now we can start getting some results! PFCFC Undefeated in 3 seasons? No problem!

Adam Williams: How those hands getting on? Do you have to ask other people to pick your nose for you yet? Good stuff. BTW, your the only person I know who manages to use the word 'Insubordination' in a sentence. Fantastic!

Justine: I've looked under the couches, in the dishwasher, but can't find your voice anywhere! Hope you get it back soon. x

Milly Got A Brand New Box

2005-12-03T11:46:00.000Z

Yes it's true. I'm finally replacing the retarded mess of what was once my old PC and am getting a brand spanking new one! Hurrah!

Along with this I've also invested in broadband, which in turn means I can finally treat this website with a little more respect, such as updating it more than a measly twice in 6months"

"Outstanding Work Mr. Johnston" I hear you say. Well thanks very much.

On a slightly related topic, if you didn't know... which is nearly impossible as I pretty much text everyone TO let them know... I've also developed my disposable camera (which Mr. & Mrs. Steele so kindly gave to me after hearing of my stolen digital loss in Venice). The images came out great as you can see for yourself. There's some pics of Jack's Birthday at his Grandma's Crib (mouchos funnos) and some of 3 twits in Pompy misusing playground apparatus. All in all, fun for the whole family.

In turn, with this blog telling you news you already know, you probably also received an email from me a few minutes after writing this blog, to let you know that you should know (what you most probably already know) that I've uploaded new pictures on the internet.

But you probably knew that anyway.

By the way, I want to her more from all you 'Uni lot', AND you 'Gillanders lot' . Everyone's doing their own thing now, it's hard to remember what you all look like.

Start a blog or something. I'd love to read it.

Ohh, once you've checked out my photo's. You then need to make you way in the direction of Dominic Christie's photos. Far superior to my own creative efforts, he's bought himself a fancy pants slide film camera. And the results are blinding (Although not so blinding that you shouldn't see them, because you should).

Definitely worth having your mouth gaping open in awe for a few spare minutes.

Going to have my Brunch now.
Speak to you later.

Milhouse x

Letter to Mr. Stephen Ford

2005-12-03T11:18:00.000Z

letter sent by myself to the penge family church football club (pengefcfc) team manager on the 3rd december 2005 11:24am
___________________________________

Mr. Stephen Ford.

I am writing to complain that after emailing a picture of Adam Butter Fingers to you some few weeks ago, I have still not seen the image posted onto the team's website.

As I feel that this image is critical as to the team's future gameplay, I question your loyalty to the team and wonder whether you actually want them to win at all.

You see, must like the controversy that surrounds the famous paintings of Leonardo Da Vinci, I too, have slipped my own hidden messages in to my life's masterpiece - Adam Butter Fingers.

Afraid to say, I cannot tell you exactly how and where I have encrypted these 'subliminal' messages into the painting. If I did, the dire consequences for you would mean 10 free double nipple cripples from myself whenever & wherever I might chose to do so (i.e. in the middle of John's Sunday sermon - we wouldn't want that would we?).

Needless to say - these messages - when viewed upon by - and only by - the persuadable members of Team PengeFCFC, would enter their brain patterns and almost immediately boost their on-pitch performance 10 fold.

As quoted by one of my most respected scientist friends in Cambridge, Dr. Eggbert Van Houten, "the effects of such an astounding visual presence (Adam Butter Fingers) would result in each player's motivation be comparable to that of a donkey on a treadmill chasing a holographic carrot in front of them" - not a laughable achievement, you will agree.

As well as enhanced motivation, physically, the players will literally begin "evolving and adapting" to the demands of today's beautiful game without even moving a muscle, so to speak. More supple ankle joints for Ronaldinho-like ball skills, expanded voice box's for increased communication and 'enemy team goading' further across the green, and the creation of a new body organ designed solely to produce that vital Vitamin C boost half-time oranges used to provide, are but a few of the bodily improvements that would take place.

Most noticeably, the biggest physical change would be in Adam himself - as his hands will gradually grow in size to the comparable mass of 2 extra large watermelons. Although this would mean the team would need to invest in 'custom made' goalie gloves, it is without doubt that the revolutionary benefits of this would far outweigh any cost of materials.

I ask to ponder for a moment and just imagine the saves Adam could make with hands the size of watermelons...

...Imagine.

Already I have said too much about the real importance of this painting. I trust that you will keep this knowledge to yourself and the existing team members as to not let the enemy attempt their own experiments in soccer science.

I eagerly anticipate the posting of Adam Butter Fingers on http://pfcfc.intheteam.com/

Until then I wish you adieu.

Your faithfully,

Milhouse
(Penge FCFC supporter)
__________________________________

Just To Let Ye All Knoweth

2005-10-01T17:27:00.000+01:00

Hey,

I've been working hard pretty much every day at Caffe Nero at the moment.
Unfortunasly, This has ment that as usual, this site has been left to rot and smell very distintly of a manky half-eaten cabbage.

I realise that I missed out a whole chunk of the Europe trip (around about the time we got to Italy and discovered the beachez) and just in case any of you were wondering... me and Aylwin did actually get back home safely - we didn't get kidnapped by Praugonians or anything!)

I really do want to try and at least finish off briefly what happened on the senoncd half of our trip for my own sake, and I also want to continue telling you NEW & EXCITING STORIES about my life currently too! - wheather you like it or not!

T.T.F.N.

Let The Sweat Begin

2005-08-07T21:16:00.000+01:00

After a relaxing day in Prague, we were hurried by the need to spend unwanted crowns. It turned out everything was to cheap an we ended up leaving with it all. We then spent 17 hours on a train and ended up in hot hot Rome. We managed to find a hostel with just enough room.

The hostess was a lovely lady who ill dedicate a paragraph too. She frowned at us when we slept in and scowled when we came back to late. She waited till we were dozing then sneaked in and turned off the Air-Con with a remote - the only control the contraption had. We sussed her out the next night when all six of us were in the dorm chatting and she couldnt be bothered to wait so just butted in. After some arguing she remained resilliant and we remained baking. The final testimony to her loving kindess was stopping us from leaving our rucksacks with her for the day, which meant a full day in the sun looking around the Vatican with a month on our backs.

The Dorm turned out well though, we met two guys from the west midlands - we didnt hold it against them - and exchanged travel tips till early morning. Along with another passionate swedish couple who understood most of the conversation till we started taliking about top gear and wetherspoons. On both nights in Rome we had the pleasure of hearing the couple whisper sweet nothings in each others ears as we tryed to fall asleep, the swedes werent that quiet either.

Our first day in Rome involved intense heat, a visit to the colleseum an a lot of walking around. We also consumed a nice pizza and a lot of ice cream/sorbet. Matt was a machine totalling 3 by the end of the day. We finished the day with a very expensive beer and the realisation that we would be broke by the time we left Italy.

We were quite surprised by the business of the city and on the second day decided it was time for our first beach trip. This was immense. We felt ultimately hairless and white but it didnt stop us from chilling out for the whole day. It was glorious.

When we got home that night, we chatted to Shawn an Tom, the 2 english lads, and did our internet malarchi. Our final day of Rome I already overviewed, sweaty and heavy Vatican stuff, I guess we got a real taste of Catholosism. We did also have lots of fun though, for me learning about the grave of st. Peter.

By the evening we were in Florence, recommended by the people we were talking to and after an elongated search for a hostel we settled in with a new japanese aquaintance, I wish he wore tighter y-fronts, as that night it seemed we had three light bulbs. Sleep was easy after a couple of bevvies and some live music in a park somewhere and another in a diabolical pub.

Aylwin

Stizzle An´ Mizzle´s Highlights So Far

2005-08-07T20:55:00.000+01:00

-The current made up jokes,
Matt: What did the cookie say to the donut? Muffin
Aylwin:What is the heaviest meal in the world? One Ton Soup
Thats just a taster, so your sides stay intact.

-Making elephant noises for a whole day

-Eating at the house of sizzle (shizzle)

-Matt thinking he was asking for directions to a castle, when infact he was asking for the price of the castle, long foreign conversation.

-Aylwins bartering technique with an indian man selling squiggy blob faces. It involved laughiong at a very high pitch till he lowered the price, we got him down to 3 for 2 euros - when he found out we werent looking to buy.

-Ice Cream/sorbet from El Crispino
Matt: Whiskey-Honey
Aylwin: Plum-Melon
Seroiusly it was the poshest ice creamisest store in the world.

-Aylwin getting his wallet stolen, then him realising and shouting at a petit gypsy, "wallet Now," It was soon returned.Im ard.

-4 Hennies in a row in berlin.

-Also finding the best hostel in the world in berlin, pòssibly.

-Finding one of the best hostels in the world in Florence, oh an one in Nice.

-Going out on the tiles in Prague 4 50p.

-Going out in Pargue 4 2 meals in one day 4 50p

-Sleeping at train stations from various lack of train knowledge.

-Meeting loads of cool people in Nice

-Aylwin taking a pee in the ocean and getting hit by a big wave, sea water and phones dont mix.

-Hearing a Mexican try and do a London accent.

-Looking at lots of mankey pigeon feet, Ill get you snaggle foot, if its the last thing i do!

-Meeting a couple of dudes from leeds uni.

oh an sorry for the blog delay, internet is expensive in some places.

Peace out. Aylwin

CZECH IS CZHEEP

2005-07-26T10:18:00.000+01:00

Aylwin:

I love this place

The czech republic is great pulled in a couple of days ago, at 2200, got a hostel, cheap as chips. Got up the next day in our huge room, got out at about 1130. Chilled around town, got a huge steak lunch with lots of drinks for about 11 quid. This place is amazing. We did our cultured part of the day by going to this huge cathedral/castle, proper bo. After a sketch (which was applauded by a bunch of japanese tourists) We went out to eat for dinner as well, an out for a few bevvies after, all of which cost about a tenner. We dropped off to sleep around midnight with matter shout the word, "mer" in his sleep for no apparent reason, strange lad. Today we got a takeway bagel, yummy, an now we are preparing to go on a 17 hour trip to italy but before hand we gotta burn all this spare cash. Its quite hard in a place like this.Peace out.

Aylwin

ZOO!

2005-07-26T10:15:00.000+01:00

ZOO!
Originally uploaded by matt_milhouse.

Fried Eggs & Lack Of Sleep Dreggs

2005-07-22T20:01:00.000+01:00

Aylwin:
So we got up quite satisfied as we came down from our self contained room to have egg on toast, the best breakfast so far. Leaving the weed drenched hostel (due to some japanese "stoney malonies") at about 9:30 we set off on our first excursion, this was finding the Van Gogh gallerie. We reached our destination feeling quite cultured that we went to an art gallery of our own accord. On completion of this back-aching-over-priced-tour - which was thourghly enjoyable, we got some lunch, by this time it was about 15:00 and too late to visit the Heinekin Exerience -big dissappointment, oh well, we headed for a recommended bar, had a few top heavy pints then got our bags and headed 4 the station.

This was to be our first over night excursion (hopefully free of matts now notorious snorring) and proved to be one that lacked one vital ingredient, sleep. This was for one reason, Germans are loud! We were sharing with two German strangers who soon hit it off and turned into best buddies within five minutes. When they fell asleep, we managed to although it was only to be for four hours. We also had to change before this and spent two hours in an underworld known as Duisburg. We pulled into the station at five, slept til six on cold metal seats then went on the hunt for MaccyDees.
We ended up sleeping till seven-when it opened then having, "doo (2) baaacon un eeegs" meals - that was Matts accent by the way. He seems to think that if u say something slowly with a french accent everyone, no matter what the country, will understand you. I laughed. A lot.

The rest of the day included checking into the best hostel in the world (so far), shopping, watching some crazy break dancers and eating at a turkish-italian-german pizzeria.
I ordered a peperoni pizza with no cheese. Apparently in german peperoni means spicey pepper, BOLLOCKS!
I sent that pizza back and got one with meat on much to the managers annoyance. But if your gonna own an italian resturant at least know peperoni means meat. Dooshbag.

Anyways after that interesting and hilarious escapade, we ended up back here... The best hostel in the world. We have had a few pints-our first proper pints of the tour and can now decide between doing our laundry or chilling in the sauna, probably the wrong descriptive word.
peace out.

Sympathy For Mary & Joseph

2005-07-21T20:51:00.000+01:00

Milhouse: Amsterdam... The land of dope & glory.

I have to say, as much as it is slightly stereotypical to think that all Amsterdam has to offer is hemp, hookers & a number of canals, it is quite amusing that the first fragrance to hit your nose once the exit Centraal Station is that of a burning marijuana plant. And as for the infamous red light district, you're virtually plonked right in the thick of it before you can say "Big Neon Sign".

Needless to say, we soon learned what a "Coffee Shop" really sold when you're experiencing life a la Amsterdam. Of course, this wasn't the reason that I goaded Aye that Holland would be a beneficial landmark to our month's trip.
Oh no, no, no, no.
As well as it's fairly liberal side, Amsterdam is a beautiful & peaceful city with a hugely higher ratio of bicycles to cars, enough canals and little roads to almost rival Venice and last but by no means least

...Heineken.
Lots & lots of Heineken. There's a bar in pretty much every direction you look. Mind you, they still can't pull a decent Pint.

Since we hadn't booked a hostel before hand this time, I had a little look in the very handy 'Europe on a Shoestring' travel guide I was so kindly given as a birthday present and found 'Bob's Youth Hostel' to be a fitting solution to the problem. 'Cheap, clean, & only 5 minutes from the station', Bob's Youth Hostal would of been ideal.
But Bob was nowhere to be seen.
We looked for Bob.
We searched high & low for Bob - & Amsterdam is bout as flat as the come - but no luck came our way.

I personally put this down to two things... Either Bob has had enough of all this Dutch malarky and instead opted to pursue his life long dream of joining the circus, OR, it really is best for the both of us that I don't continue to give lame-ass directions that lead us a 1/4 of a mile in the wrong direction.

Anyway, cutting a long story short, things were starting to get a little hairy around the time it came to 9 O'Clock and we still hadn't found a half decent hostel that wasn't full. You could kinda feel a little tension building up and I even found myself getting slightly worried about where we were going to sleep.
We sure as heck weren't going to be sleeping it rough in Amsterdam... who knows what mite of happened!

Luckily, as a last resort we found a dodge-looking hostel (complete with big neon sign) called "My Home"... how nice.

We were greeted by a 30-something year old Canadian woman. To describe her, she looked exactly how you would imagine a 30-something year old Canadian woman to look... if that's any help. We managed to end up getting a room to ourselves which was phat, & the breakfast was awesome. But we ended up paying through our nostrils (€28 each for one night!), which was in this case,necessaryy, but that was when werealizedd we were spending way too much money. I think that's been our biggest problem so far; we've gotta keep an eye on our daily budget.

When we get to Prague though, me thinks things will be a whole lot cheaper. And everyone knows that means more spending money for Beer!

YYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSSS! : )

"Ok, Its Gig Time... What T-Shirt Am I Going To Wear?"

2005-07-20T21:39:00.000+01:00

Milhouse: I Can't believe we're actually doing this...
It's only just sunk in that here we are; me & Aylwin - 2 Skinny blonde Brits with 2 oversized rucksacks, a map of Europe & enough under-garments that strictly should last us all of 3 days (if we're lucky) - & we're on a train travelleling towards Amsterdam Centraal Station with little to no idea of where we are sleeping tonight, feet that could suffocate a skunk & shoulders so worn out, you can literally see the quality stitching left from the strapmarks.

I will admit, we've spent a good few days in Paris though. The two of us are just getting used to travelleling life. It seems best that we only plan things a couple days ahead, as so many things can affect the day's events.

I've found that getting lost in any major city is one particular example of how one's "fun-packed-schedule" can fly right out the window, & into a bed of ajecent shattered dreams, broken promises and drunken resolutions.

You see, for some unknown & bewildering reason, Aylwin has left me predominantly in charge of reading the map. As nice a compliment as this my be, clearly this is a mistake only a kind but foolish young man would make. This is because in all the time that we have been in Europe we've spent it, predominantly getting lost.

Can anyone else can a connection here?

I guess it's all part of the fun & games of travelling though (& plus it's really funny watching Aylers try to keep a cool & calm exterior when we're blatently more lost than a deaf batin a soundproof box!).

Our first hostel was plesent enough. Many of the travellers seems to be from America, including the 3 girls from California & 1 from Brazil that we shared a dorm with. All of which were (without sounding too brash) very easy on the eye ; )

Paris is a flippin big place.
In many respects, it's not that disimilar from London. For example there is a half decent Underground, some posh parts, some tacky parts, a lot of pigeons & a number of monuments & attractions that look very suspiciously like they were stolen from us.

One difference I would say though, is that the French people DEFINATLEY have some major funky body odor problems.

My Gosh.

We went to a Hennes at a nearby shopping centre and Sacre Blu, the whole store smelt of nothing but hairy armpit. I'm not kidding either!

Another difference we've noticed is htat Europeans are crap at pulling pints. First of all, they don't drink out of pint glasses at all - oh no, it's half pints by defult here - also, once you get youre half pint of whatever, there's about 3 inches of head on the top... Guys... What's up with that?!?!
I dunno.

Oh yeah, "did you know at McDonalds, you can buy a Beer, and they don't call it Big Mac they call it Le Big Mac."

... Classic.

Aye & Mill Doo Europe

2005-07-19T21:46:00.000+01:00

Aye & Mill Doo Europe
Originally uploaded by matt_milhouse.

Nice Gurn, Aye?

1st Day, Feeling Fine

2005-07-18T22:45:00.000+01:00

Milhouse: Hey, well the first problem with France is the keyboard.
Some silly bugger has swapped all the keys round. If I typed like i nornmally would it would look like this qnd then nozone zould understqnd zhqt the hell I zould be tqlking qbout:

Aylwin: yo peops, this is phat, cracking open the champerz on the eurostar then snoozin, then walkin round aimlessly an bein evacuated from a station, then more bevvies!

Milhouse: So yeah, so far this has been quite a nice little booze fest, infact since it took us about 2hours to find the hostel we are staying at we've been approached by one guy threatening us with chopsticks asking for a smoke, another guy trying to sell us "hashishé" and plenty of that wonderful French B.O. in the wonders of the French Underground.

Aylwin: peace out, gimme sum comments my woodland friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Back Online, Feelin' Fine

2005-07-14T23:55:00.000+01:00

Well it’s certainly been a while hasn’t it?

To the unknowing reader, it could almost have looked like I had packed the whole thing up ready to life a life of all things non-bloggerish.

But never fear – much to your personal delight (or horror) Milhouse is STILL here...

…Living an odd, odd life in a world of oddities, surrounded by a mass of odd thoughts, odd people, odd occurrences, and big, bright signs saying the words, ‘This Is Odd’ on them : S

Yes, I apologise in advance if the literature comes off a bit creaky today – it seriously has been a long time since I last wrote anything even remotely legible (it’s gotta be at least 4 months since my last real blog now, rite? Even then, it was suspect of being 90% Gibberish).

Being the student type that I am (or was), I, like many others had enjoyed the luxury of having a months worth of holiday in which to fill with as much dossing, chilling & bumming around as possible. I found my attempts on this particular mission to be largely successful (You can congratulate me later). Despite keeping alcohol levels to a fairly reasonable standard, so much has happened on the social agenda - in terms of going places & meeting new people - that I feel almost inebriated to the point where it's hard to remember what I actually did 5 mins ago.

Mind you, I guess most of you might think what's new.
(U Cheeky Bastads)

I mean, the earliest memory of the spring break has to be waking up to a text message on March the 31st at about fifteen minutes past 8am. To give you a bit of coverage on this particular event in mind, I would have to tell you that during that week, I had been busy arranging a load of friends to join me in a day trip to Thorpe Park. This was to be a celebration of my 19th birthday.

Seeing as it's never an easy task to invite a bunch of people to be at any one place at any one time - unless the invite contains the words 'Free', 'Booze', 'Round' & 'Mine' - I figured it would be important to make sure everyone knew when & where they we're supposed to meet up so that there would be as little waiting around as possible.

April the 1st - A Saturday & a whole 96 hours ahead of my actual Birthday - was to be the appropriate date for which to make the journey. So I texted & I called & generally bugged all the peeps that said they might come and narrowed it down to the eventual 9 or so people that did turn up. Some were to meet up at the Station, while the rest of them would come to my house in the morning to leave together.

Strangely though, a certain Dominic Christie - ever the thrill seeker - got the impression that we were in fact actually going to leave a day earlier than planned (so to skip the queues of course). After knocking at the front door of my house for a good 5 minutes he was greeted by my slightly bewildered mother and realised that maybe all was not as it seemed... Which is when I got my text:

I'm never gonna live this one down! Who has just turned up at your house thinking it was April 1st?! I'm an idiot! Apologies to your folks! - Dom C.

What can I say..? Clearly April Fools Day isn’t strictly a 24hour occasion. Nice one Dom : )

Well after that slight hic-cup, Dom fortunately did swallow his pride and buck up enough courage to come back the next morning and join the gang & myself in what was to be an absolutely wicked day out in Thorpe Park. In total, 12 of us went down there, including my brother & his two mates Ryan & Mark Baber (brother of Ian), Ashleigh, Aylwin, Collet, Dom, Justine, Newman, Myself, Renée & the ever elusive Ruth. A nice bunch of people you may agree. I don't need to tell you that the rides were awesome, and my Top 3 were definitely 'Detonator', 'Colossus' & the mighty 'Tidal Wave' - all of which resulted in me screaming like a little girl or laughing like a mad hatter.

I brought 2 disposable cameras on the day for everyone to snap with, so you can all take a look right here at the best ones and see for yourself if you like. The night was nicely round off by hitchin' to Aylwin's crib having him fix us a blindin’ pasta dish creation, and playing the meanest game of Jenga I have ever encountered. 29 STORIES before the final piece collapsed the whole structure!

Truly amazing I'll think you'll agree.

After that, there was of course my 19th on Tuesday. (That's The 5th Of April Everybody!)Which was complimented with a nice wad of cash and a pucker amount of chocolate to keep me going after I brutally underwent going cold turkey soon after this Easter's confectionery ran out.

& After that…Well that bit’s kinda fuzzy. Although I’m pretty sure it involved some kittens, lots of coffee, a trip to the Hayward Gallery & a girl named Justine.

Of course, since then, even more has changed and things are all gearing up for the Great Summer holiday that Alywin & myself have planned.

As of this Monday coming, the two of us will be Hostelin’ it round West Europe for a whole month! I believe we're gonna call it 'Aye & Mihouse's Europe Adventures' or something stupid like that. I dunno, I want something a bit snappier myself. Something with Sshnaz (Any suggestions anyone?).

So yeah, ‘This time next week!’ we’ll be taking in the sights, admiring the culture, sipping fine wine and wearing pegs on our noses in case we catch a whiff of our socks that haven’t seen a wash in weeks. I don’t know about you, but I very excited!

We’ll be getting around by train equip with the tightest budget we can for the four weeks that we’re out there. Between us, we’ve already spent some £900 pounds on the tickets, insurance, and general necessities in able for us to survive (Though my Dad told me you won’t need a Machete to endure the harsh conditions of Western European Civilisation... What does he know?) And we haven't even left yet!

Luckily, I managed to borrow quite items including the rucksack that Cozin Kate sent me in the post today. Cheers, Lady Gillanders it’s just what I need. I owe you one.

Now there’s only a few more things to sort out such as a Europe Bolt-on to get cheaper calls on me mobile, a trip to the bank to get some Euros, & find a decent pair of shorts to accompany my decent pair of legs.

It’s all come so quickly, we’ve been planning it for ages but it was only yesterday that it finally hit me & what we were actually about to do.

I’m currently making a little list of some of the things we definitely have to do whilst out there. So far I’ve come up with hiring a tandem bicycle in Amsterdam, buying a fake Italian football shirt that leaves huge rashes on your back, a competition of who can find the ‘Oddest-looking man in Europe’ and also a compition of who can find the tackiest postcard in Europe.
Aye hasn't got a chance.

I’ll be hopefully keeping my blog up and running with the help of Aylwin during the time we’re sitting in the hostels overnight (I'll Post in Blue, Aye will post in Red so you know who's who) and posting a number of pictures from our travels. Make sure you check it out some time yeah?

Well I better be off for the moment, I’m about to attempt my second driving test in a couple of hours so problably best that I change out of my dressing gown & slippers! I hope I pass this time purly because it’s so flippin expensive to book up another test. I figure I’m going to play it Hakuna Matata and just drive like I drive normally. If I pass, that’s great, if I don’t then at least I have a month abroad to stew over how badly I cocked up that right turn into a main road!

C You later Peeps x

P.S. Shout out going to The Z... Howard Z!

Aylwin Is Calling

2005-07-14T12:33:00.000+01:00

Check out this wicked blog 4 milhouse an aylwin do europe adventure diaries, coming soon from the 18th of july5.

A Little Birdie Told Me...

2005-07-04T10:31:00.000+01:00

...Milhouse may soon be releasing some new posts eariler then planned!

Watch this space.

You heard it here first.

Farewell For Now

2005-06-08T09:17:00.000+01:00

It's become clear to me that I can no longer keep this blog up and running as much I would like it to have been. This is largely due to lack of time & effort on my part, but also for a number of personal reasons which I feel I would not be happy writing about publicly at this time being.
So unfortunately, this will be my last blog for the unforseeable future.

Since the last time I updated The Milhouse Affairs (some 4 months ago at least!), I've endured a number of low points, including the rather sticky situations I am in at the moment.
But more importantly I've experienced a vast amount of highs.
It seems my life has never been so eventful until recently.
With so many great memories, it's hard for me to remember what order they happened in!
I wanna thank all my close friends largely for this - I am truly grateful for your company and wouldn't be me if it wasn't for you! (I'll let you decide weather that's a good thing or not).

I want to thank the people who took precious time out of their lives to actually read blog as well.
As much as I find the fact that you would willing want to know more about my ramblings in life highly bizarre, I am touched that you do : )

If I ever feel that perhaps I can start writing again, I'll make sure to let know via email, or whatever. Until then, to save you from wondering when I'll ever update my website - 'the daft bitch' - I doubt I'll be posting any news for a fair while.

So this is it...

Bon Voyage,
Faretheewell,
Gd'ay &
'Gd'on ya, me ol' Mucka!'

Keep On Smiling,

Milhouse
x x x

Ansel Adams Is Spinning In His Grave.

2005-02-16T17:58:00.000Z

Guildford Cathedral 13/02/05

It's always a shame when you wake up out of a dream which included Katie Price & Scarlet Johansson.

Ahh well.

A quick hello to any new readers that have cared to check out my joint.

Stephan 'Fordinho' Ford... welcome.

Matt 'Batty' Batten... welcome.

Anyone else I left out... (Sarah & Cheryl?) welcome.

Jack, Aye, Dom, Blake, Newman, Collet, Ash, Hob, Scam (?), Gina (?), Jane, Kate, Louise (?)... I also wanna say hi guys. Hope life's treating you well.

Great, now that's sorted I'll continue by speaking of my recent experiences.

I'm sure a lot occurred before yesterday but I'm really struggling to recall what actually happened in last 5 mins (no difference there then), so I'm just going to skip straight to Tuesdays events.

I had a great time yesterday, Collet invited Alywin & myself to her college drama production up in London which is near Warren Street Station (I've forgotten the name of the college).

Now I dunno if I sed this before, but last time I was invited to her play I spent a full hour desperately looking around, trying to find out where her flippin' college was - by which time, I got there only to witness the sights of the spectators cheering and the cast bowing & walking off stage...

Blast.

Agreed, it was inarguably amusing but explicitly frustrating all in one.

This time I was determined not to miss it on pain of death, even though I couldn't actually remember how I finally got there the first place. Thankfully when we got there we were greeted by the friendly (if unbelievably tiny) long-time friend of Collet's, Ruth.

Now I met Ruth once before at a gig of one of Penge's proudest rock acts, Frequency Suspects - may they rest in peace (they all died in a freak gardening accident I heard) - but I never remember her being so tiny.

I'm sure she's heard it all before,

but SHE'S TINY!

I'm starting to doubt whether she actually was sitting down that time and actually just bending her knees slightly.

Anyway.

Since we had a fair, few minutes before the play started. We decided to have a sit down & chat over a couple Subway's. Being new to the delights of how-to-buy-a-sandwich-in-Subway, I ended up having pretty much every choice of salad ingredients they could possibly fit in the blasted bread, then picking half of it out, as I was too 'English' to say no.

But by 'eck it was a good sandwich. Something tells me I will be buying more from there at a later date. I can feel the cravings building already.

4 jalapeno peppers & 2 'Free refills' later, we went to the college and watched '7 Deadly Sins'.

Lest I say, Collet was fantastic, and it really looked like she gave her 'lustful' boyfriend a right old walloping in the chops. Ahh, The magic of theater trickery... you can beat a man to near death and not be pressed charges for it... fantastic.

Amongst many other amusing sketches including the black weather woman and 'Ah' - the revolutionary Caribbean medicine for angry men. Reminded me of the Lenny Henry show!

After that there was a dance performance based on the same theme.

I've never gone to see a dancing performance before, so that was really cool. Needless to say, I was blatantly oggling over all the crazy body-bending stunts, some of the lovely young ladies were performing (Hey, I am a guy after all!).

That was fun.

But the dude who stole the show for me had to be the Afro dude. Usher had nothing on this guy. He was pulling moves like a Daddylong-legs on ice. Backflips, Body Pops, Flaminkoes you name it. Amazing. I wish I could do that.

Coming a definite close second though was the butt-gyrating, crunk-dancing other friend of Collet's - that was hilarious.

Today's start was pretty funny aswell.

Deciding it really was time to do some actual photography, I left my house on the way to college, Pentax K1000 in-hand, with the intent of finding a theme to photograph my Stereotype project. I walked 3 houses until I came up to a Car in a driveway with a Millwall FC Bumper Sticker pronouncing "no-one likes us - we don't care". Well you couldn't get much more Stereocast than that really could you?

Brilliant... I figured that taking pictures of various car features to represent a type of person was as good as any other idea I could do.

Plus taking pictures of Cars... how hard can it be right? Ha Ha Ha.

Wrong.

I set up my shot, took one snap, when all of a sudden the front door opened...

"Err... What You Think You're Doing Mate?"

I tell ya I was fearing for my life. I'm too young to die from an angry Dressing gowned Millwall supporter. In fact it took me so back I nearly dropped my camera in the process.

Feeling like I was back in secondary school, I had to explain to him that I was a Photography student doing a project and that I liked the slogan on his car. As pathetic as that sounded, he bought it, or at least it bought me some extra time before he started throttling me to the ground and spitting Milwallian obscenities to my face at point blank range.

Cowering under him I spoke a thousand apologies and slowly but surely backed away from sight.

Phew, I'm still alive.

Well this left me in a right predicament. If people are gonna be this hostile when I take a snap of their car, I better go stealth.

From then on it was Splinter Cell or nothing; I waited until every passer-by had disappeared from site, then quickly snapped my shot & ranaway into the shadows before the car owners could notice... harder than you would imagine.

I got caught on more than one occasion, this time by a puzzled Mercedes driver.

Agreed... my attempt at shimmying drain pipes & split jumps didn't work out as planned but the results will soon be revealed when I go to get them processed tomorrow.

Hope I haven't babbled onto much.

Just to point out - check out the lovely pick at the top... it's by my matey, The magnificent Dom Christie.

Thought he should get a mention for keeping the ol' camera skills a rollin' (ba, dum, cymbal splash - geddit). Coz I know he wouldn't tell anyone unless he had too, it's his 19th BDay on the 23rd this month, so don't forget...

I'm looking forward to trying to get him well & truly bladdered.

I'll see most of you guys very soon.

(Jane, I'll be in Cheltenham on the 2nd/3rd for a Interview - I'll probs see you then.)

Tarah.

Milhouse Definitions (pt.1)

2005-02-09T13:41:00.000Z

Because - like always - no one knows what the hell I'm talking about...

A 'Heiny' (pr. high-knee) is a butt...
A Bottom...
An Arse...
An Ass...
A Posteria...
Abdomen...
Booty...
A Toosh...

Yeah?

So therefore a fake heiny must be any of the above but made out of plastic.

Yeah?

Does everybody get that now?

"I'm Rick James"

2005-02-03T16:29:00.000Z

Like I said, I've posted a link to show all of you in the 'W.H.D.M.H.N' fan club a picture of my brand spanking new version of a haircut for all to enjoy.

There's also a few other piccys I've added today - some going way back, and others from the New Year's Eve Celebrations.
'Enjoy Yourselves'

U remember that, 'If you had to choose only 1' quiz I texted a few of you?

Well I got an interesting mix of views on such choices as 'whether you'd prefer a huge mole or a huge face' - it was quite amusing reading particular peoples decisions.

If you didn't get one, It's probably because I don't your number, but your more than welcome to leave a comment with your choices if you like.

You could even request a few new questions if you like.

I'll even try to make it into a proper poll like I did before if you like.

Whatever you want!

I hope the people don't mind me putting down their choices... Make of them what you will.

The Original Questions:

White Chocolate or Dark Chocolate?

Lift or Elevator?

Wings or Gills?

Swiming Pool or Jacuzi?

Sight or Sound?

Too Hot or Too Cold?

1960 or 2040?

Ghosts or Vampires?

Off Fish or Off Cheese?

A Huge Mole or A Fake Heiny?

Red or Blue?

The Platypus or The Giraffe?

MJ (Michael Jackson) or JK (Jamiroquai)?

Soap or Toothpaste?

Replies:

Kate Gillanders:

Dark Chocolate, Lift, Wings, Jakuzi, Sight, ???, Too Hot, Ghosts, Off Cheese, Fake Heiny, Red, Platypus, MJ, Toothpaste.

Sam Butt:

White Chocolate, Wings, Evevator, Pool, Sight, 1960, Too Hot, Ghosts, Off Cheese, Huge Mole, Red, Giraffe, MJ, Soap.

Gem Carman:
White Chocolate, Lift, Wings, Pool, Sight, 2040, Too Hot, Vampires, Off Cheese, Fake Heiny, Red, Giraffe, MJ, Toothpaste.

Sam Blake:

Dark Chocolate, Lift, Wings, Pool, Sound, 1960, Too Hot, Ghosts, Off Cheese, Huge Mole, Red, Giraffe, MJ, Soap.

Milhouse (Me):
Dark Chocolate, Elevator, Gills, Pool, Sight, 1960, Too Hot, Ghosts, Off Cheese, Huge Mole, Blue, Giraffe, MJ, Soap.

Jane Gillanders:

White Chocolate, Lift, Wings, Pool, Sight, 2040, Too Hot, Ghosts, Off Fish, Fake Heiny, Red, Giraffe, MJ, Toothpaste.

Collet Collins:

White Chocolate, Elevator, Wings, ???, Sight, 1960, Too Hot, Ghosts, ???, ???, Red, Giraffe, JK ???.

Hmmm... Fish, Jane? Off fish that is. Seems like you're the odd one out there love. : )

You always were strange thought weren't you?

Ne way C U L8r peeps.

BTW... You've gotta see that new Golf Gti 'Singing In The Rain' ad that Aylwin's been raving about to me the whole of yesterday.

I found a good quality link to it, so as long as you have 3Mb's of space left, there's no excuse is there. Right click here and click 'Save Target As' then download it & laugh your head off - It's fantastic visuals, very clever indeed.

Sleeping Is A Lot Like The Karma Sutra...

2005-02-02T15:11:00.000Z

It's Awful.
I seem to have forgotten how to get to sleep!

I'm going though all the usual steps...
- find a comfortable position
- close my eyes
- think of stuff and
- drift of into dreamstate

But it only lasts about 5 mins and I'm awake again.
Gad, Dammit!

All my usual positions don't satisfy me anymore (ahem, Blake keep it to yourself).
The 'horizontal right-sided ballerina' that I've perfected over the years certainly does nothing now.

I tried finding new and exciting sleeping positions such as the exotic 'lying-on-my-back' position... Nothing.

I've experimented with pillows... 1 Pillow, 2 Pillows ... Nothing.

I've even gone as far as counting sheep... Drastic, I know but it's no use.

I must be some form of Insomnia, it must be - For four nights now, I've been like this. I'm beginning one wonder if watching Fight Club so many times has made an affect on my nocturnal lifestyle.

Who knows, I too could have my own alter ego parading around the streets of West Wickham, starting fights with ATM machine's and bags of clothes left outside Oxfam
(If you've ever been to West Wickham, you'll know what I mean).

Anyway. Let's hope Mr. Sandman will be kinder tonight eh?

It' been a while since I've made a mark on my own webblog. I have to say I've been enjoying leaving comments on other peoples like Hob Disk's.
Although today, Hob accused me of trying to stage a cussing battle by posting as both myself and an anonymous user.
Would I do such a thing?!?
Of course not. That's the answer.

It was some other punk who won't own up to what his name is.
Now I have my suspicions that it was Newman as it looks like his style of writing, but I don't know why Newman would be on Hob site. Hmm? The mystery continues.

Those who are followers of the 'What-haircut-does-Milhouse-have-now' club will be pleased to know a new style is around to rock your socks off.

It all started with Ash & Newman begging me to shave my head into a Mohawk as they thought it would be cool.
Now at the time I was happy leaving a skatty, blonde 'afro-of-a-mess' on the upper region of my head, and I was set in ways that they were not going to touch my hair with a Remington barge pole.

After about half an hour of nagging & nagging & pleading & puppy dog eyes, I started to crumble.
My argument against why I shouldn't have a Mohawk didn't really make sense anymore.
The bombardment of pro's (eg. the fact of wearing a mean, 'f**k you' haircut for the rest of the world to cower over in terror) totally outweighed the cons (eg. what my mother would think if she saw it).

Then, the final blow came when Ash offered me money...
That was the first time I ever had the 'barber' give me money for him to cut my own hair.
I futilely accepted.

I have to say. Even though it was way shorter than I would have imagined, they did do a pretty good job of it. It took me a couple of days to get used to it but now, even though it's not that offensive I was pleased I had it. And can officially tick off 'get a Mohawk' in my list of things to do before I die list.

Nice one guys. I'll get a pic online A.S.A.P.*

It's only a shame it came a day too late, so that I could rock in style at the Velvet Revolver gig Ash, Aye, Newman & I went to the day before. They rocked pretty hardcore might I add.

Three of them are ex-Guns n' Roses if ya didn't know.
Admittedly, I did make an arse of myself when I called Slash, Slade.
IT WAS A SLIP OF THE TOUNGE! OK?

Since then I bought the album off t'internet and currently have my Stereo set at 11 whenever I'm home.

I've bought a lot of albums online recently. I just bought Skunk Ansie 5 mins ago in fact.

V.good. I love their style. I remember it was my cousin Kate who got me into them on our ledgendary South France holiday ages ago. Ahh good times!

I recall one time the parents had gone wine tasting, so Louise & Kate were in charge of us rascals. In our innocence, you managed to make us attempt to wear every piece of clothing that we had in our luggage case... All in under a minute.

We looked quite ridiculous by the end - there were socks desperately hanging off ears, knickers flying all over the place and everything!

Well I'm off now.

It's the last Alpha session tonight, and I looking forward to whoever's culinary delights await me.
Ciao.

* Just incase any one didn't know there is a link to my photo site in the top right called 'Milhouse Snaps' - thought I'd clear that up for people unaware.

Thanks to those who completed my 'if you had to choose only one' pop text on Sunday,
I'll be posting the results next time.

My Poor Posteria

2005-01-19T15:49:00.000Z

Owwwww!

Remind me to bring a cusion next time I go to college workshop.

Those damn stools (chairs, Blake : ) .

Sitting on a flat 'no frills' piece of timber for over 2 hours is not an experience I would recommend to many people.

In fact I'm very tempted to sue the college due to 'mass booty neglegence'.

You see that colour purple there? Yeah? That's wot colour my butt is right now.

Now I know how Hank Hill's diminished glute feels without his fake heiney on (King of The Hill).

________________________________________________

DR. TATE: Mr. Hill, you have a compression of the discs in your lower back.

HANK: Uh-huh. Do you get a lot of this in your patients who race mowers?

DR. TATE: A lawnmower didn't cause this. It's genetic.

PEGGY: Genetic as in fatal?

DR. TATE: No. Mr. Hill, you were born with no muscle mass here, no cushioning. For years you've basically been sitting on your spine. You suffer from a disease called Diminished Gluteal Syndrome, or DGS.

HANK: I don't understand. What does that mean?

DR. TATE: Mr. Hill, you have no ass.

_______________________________________________

I can just, like, soooooo relate, you know?

Wibble.

P.S. Gem & Ash, thanks for joining me in a coupla' of rounds last night guys!

Blake, I just got that "PUT A BIT OF SELLOTAPE ON THE FRIDGE!" reference you posted ages ago (It's so old, I can't even find a link to it!).

A definate classic quote amongsted many! : )
I should of known where you got it from.

'Can I say, what a smashing blouse you've got on?'

Yakiddy Yak. U Gotta Love Things 'Tech'

2005-01-12T14:27:00.000Z

Yes it's true.

Now being the 7:00 am starting kinda buzy boy I have been the past 2 days, I am now fully enlightened and aware of everything around me.

I've yet to eat my sandwich, but am certainly looking forward to it.

I've named it the Seb Sandwich. Which includes a classic mix of Sausage Egg & Bacon (S.E.B. - get it?)

Mmmm yummy.

Mind, I have to give credit to Mother's scrambled egg skills.
As most of you know, for reasons unknown, I absolutely cannot cook scrambled egg no matter how many times I attempt it - Previous results oddly ended up being both burnt & undercooked at the same time.

I red the Daily Metro on the way to Uni this morning, which was particularly interesting...

Apple are releasing a brand new iPod to add the collection called the iPod Shuffle which looks very fancy as well as the new Mac Mini which must be one of the coolest computers... EVER.

And I mean that. You can shove your iMacs & Powerbooks (no offence to my good friends who I know own one!) - this is the real deal.

I'm really considering buying a souped up one for round just £500.

Amazing stuff.

Hot off the press is the commotion that Light Emitting Diodes (LEDs) could replace the light bulb.

I also red about how much more advanced Japan's technology really is.

Everything they've got - we don't. There all just pipe dreams to us 'UKies'.

Imagine a Phone that can you tune TV channels into. A phone that records 2hours of material straight from a VHS or DVD recorder or a phone that even has a finger print sensor that is used to lock your mates from reading you inner-most inbox.

Imagine a 1Gb internet Connection!
Shwoooom Shwoooom! Pi-yow! Corr, that's UNBELIEVEABLY fast.

And yep you've guessed it. They've got it - we don't.

The good news is that this stuff will start to peek its way into are puny 'armish' lives over the next few months. I can't wait.

Now about this toothbrush thing... I've decided I really do have better things to do with my time - like go to a Tapas bar tonight (whatever that is) - so I'm not gonna talk about that today.
But if you want to tell me whether u think electric toothbrushes really are better or not, feel free to call in and have your say.

According to all ABC News us Bloggers are 'People Of The Year!' Boo!
It's not too late for any of you to join in the fun u know.
I'd be more than happy to subscribe to your lives. (Hey, that could be a cool chat-up line... or not)

Lastly, I mentioned yesterday that I was going to let you in on a litle secret of mine.

It's called www.allofmp3.com .
If you, like me, buy your songs off the internet rather than ill-eagle-ly. Then this is definitely the site for you.

Forget iTunes Music Store. It's pretty but it's prices simply DO NOT MATCH.

This allofmp3 site is a Russian site you see. Which means prices are cheap as chips.

We're talking 50p for an album.

I like those odds.

I've already bought about 6-7 albums off there myself and am quite happy to continue before such a bargain is discovered and most likely banned from the UK.

Don't worry. It's not at all dodgy looking and work just like any other professional web shop.

What you have to do is first of all click on the English page (unless of course your lingual skill are of the rushki origin), register on the site & then pay in say $10 which is then exchanged to rubles which is equal to a 1Gb allowance of whatever music yo want.
You then go to the V.I.P. page, browse though their selections, order the albums/tracks you want, then simply download them afterwards.
It's simply the best bargain I've ever discovered (even better then the reduced 10p donuts I see in Safeways staff bin).

I order you to check it out. It's too good to miss. On average, 1 song would cost $0.080. that's 8 Cents ... That's 4p.

Nuff sed.

One cool feature you have the option of, is the choice of format (mp3 being the obvious choice) as well as the bit rate from 128kbps to 320kbps. The ID tags are relatively accurate. The only annoying thing is the downloading part which needs doing manually (A small price to pay I think)

Well I'm going home now.

My butt-terior is aching like a bia-tch.
I've been sitting on a stool for about 5 hours now & I'm afraid when I stand up the seat will be stuck to my cheeks.

A New Leaf.

2005-01-11T14:00:00.000Z

Hey Guys & Gals.

Happy New Year n' all.

For those of you who I didn't see over the midnight celebrations, I hope you enjoyed yourselves as much as I think I did.

For those who did see me... u suck, i hate you!

Nah, only joking : )

Well I'm finally back in education today, getting back into the routine of college life.

Though it's not all doom and gloom here in the E.&.C.

Oh no... I must tell you the wonderful, Happy New Years gift London transport took the thought of surprising me with this morning.

Oh yes... the London Mayer - ever the joker - has very kindly boosted my train & tube fare to an extra 50p which I, of course was happy obliged to contribute.

Afterall, It's all for the greater good of Mr. Livingstone's piggy bank isn't it?

I must write him a thank you letter sometime.

Well anyway, I decided that after a very long Christmas break, it's time to forget all the lay-z mornings, waking up at 11:0hwheneverifeellikeit...

Forget the enchanting Christmas tree chocolates, still not eaten...

Forget trying to remember what the hell happened New Years Eve in Portsmouth...

& Forget the general, 'sittin' around snackin' kinda lifestyle I come to casually let slip in to me the past few weeks.

Now, time for some action.

I'm ready to start working hard & sure as hell play hard.

I've figured that if I wake up at 7:00 in the morning every day, that means I have more to do in the day...
Which means I'll have the energy to do power shower (that's in and out in 3 mins flat), eat a solid breakfast (at least 1 bowl of healthy cereal - w/ fruit - accompanied by 2 rounds of marmite soldiers), make myself lunch for the day (including 1 of my most sought after sandwich creations), and then do all the other things that I was too lazy to do beforehand.

I guess you could call this a resolution really.

I wonder how long it'll be before I break it!

One question for all you Maccy lovers out there - what button do I use to skip though words rather than schilling through every letter?
On the PC's you hold Ctrl and use the left of right cursor, but that doesn't work on this blasted keyboard and it's driving me insane! Yeah I know they look nice, but I've been using PC's for so long that I can't get around them.

Neways I going to start planning my week.

In my next post I shall reveal my latest & greatest internet discovery plus post my results over which product really is the more effective - manual toothbrush or electric?

Ciao. x

Thanks for that email Louise - hope your alright over there in Malaysia.
Jane, did you use those iTunes vouchers I sent you? Did you even get them?
Gina, I bought the Kelis album off the internet in the end. Thanks for the offer anyway.
Ash, can you nab Shawshank off your ladyfriend next time you see her?
Can anyone tell what actually happens at the end of Donnie Darko? I watched it for the forth time yesterday & I'm still none the wiser.
Lastly, does any one have Becka's email? Thanks : )

EEEEEEAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH! Creepy Or What?

2004-12-26T16:45:00.000Z

Nasty.

Nasty, Nasty, Nasty.

Since being rather scare silly by a stupid flash animation about subliminal messaging, I've begun doing some research into the featured band who happen to be a British Heavy Metal band named Cradle Of Filth, seriously bent on all things occulty.

You heard their stuff... It's classic satanic Heavy metal, man? No? Ask your Mum.

Anyway, one of their songs named Dinner at Deviant's Palace plays rather creeps played normally... Clashing string chords, weird synth sounds e.t.c.

...Played backwards, it's even creepier. Clashing string chords, weird synth sounds e.t.c.
Oh. And a girl speaking the Lord's Prayer.

WHAT!?!

The Lord's Prayer's supposed to connect you spiritually, not brown your undergarments.

Being open to most ideas I don't feel it's in too bad a taste but not something I could imagine listening to on a regular basis.

I advise anyone who wants to listen to this should not be in room alone with the lights off. You might die or something.

I must say though that I do tend to have a sickly curious fascination with these kind of things.

Well I looked further on, on all this supposedly subliminal messaging concept and found a site dedicated to it (backmaskonline). Since the famous incident of Judas Priest being sent to court for allegedly making a boy commit suicide down to subliminal backwards lyrics, loads of people have jumped on the band wagon.

Some intensional, some not.

Nevertheless, Tenacious D have done it, Frank Zappa has, Prince, Bloodhound Gang, hell, even Britney Spears has done it.

Take a look if you fancy killing time.

I Promise To Do My Best...

2004-12-26T10:05:00.000Z

The Night I Re-lived My Cub Scout Years... For No Reason Whatsoever.

(here's a bigger picture, if you really want it)

So Hear It Is...

2004-12-25T19:52:00.000Z

Gosh!

Wasn't that a long depart?

Where does the time go?

Well, Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all have had a sufficient amount of crap cracker gifts, sore 'sofa bottoms' and sage + onion stuffing, stuffed in you to last the rest of the day. I most certainly have.

Luckily, I managed to get into the Christmas spirit of things just in time. On Thursday, the day of my Mum's birthday might I add (Woo! Go Mum!) We went to see The Polar Express. Granted, it is a children presentation but if anything you have to see for the visuals alone (I'm loving my use of italics today!). Bloody amazing what they can do with computer wizardary these days. There were definitely moments when I was debating whether it was real or not. What got me was how Tom Hanks is able to act using only movement and expression, and then have his performance transformed into the shell of a 10 year old CG boy.

Now that is cool.

So yeah, I definitely recommend you to see that film if you can endure the number of noisy & fidgety offspring surrounding you. It also probably helps that you don't have that whole 'Scroogey' vibe going on - there are a few 'moral story' moments definitely cringe worthy.

Anyway. I lot has been said recently and not much acted on. Blake, I still haven't awarded you the prestigious Milhouse Award... The Chipstick family haven't lifted off the page since I last spoke of them... And I'm pretty sure that I've forgotten a load of things I wasn't supposed to (coursework & hygiene come to mind). I'm not promising that I'm gonna get on with them straight away. Coz let's be honest, we all know that's probably not going to happen. Ok, Ok, I won't forget to flush next time!

It seems that I've neglected this part of my life and I'm a little sorry that I couldn't keep you updated on the important things such as the bathroom politics in my house like you like me to.

I will try to keep you posted a bit more often now. That is if anyone is still there?

Hmmm. : S

I tell you what... spinning tops have never been more fun. My brother got one in his stocking this morning and I've never been so addicted to a piece of flashing plastic in my life. Dad found it on Amazon, it's called an I-Top (Everything's always iThis or iThat isn't it?) It's got 8 LEDs in a line on the top of it and is absolutely 100x greater than 1 without lemme tell ya. You spin it and they light up and tell you how many rotations it does.

The current top score is 820 rotations made, by no other than moi.

All that finger twiddling has come in handy. (Errrrr... - spoke in Mr Showell manner)

BUY ONE!.. BUY ONE NOW and you will see how cool they are!

On the slightly perculier side of all things Christmas, I've begun to experience a string of attacks to the central region of my face with a bunch of unexplainable nose bleeds.

One minute I'll be happily doing things Milhousey, the next I'll be looking like a victim of Freddy Kruger. It's really odd. I always had a delicate left nostril you see, and used to get them a lot as a kid whenever a leather football would come hurtling my way, but only recently have I started getting nose bleeds again.

Very Strange... : S

Well that's all I'm saying for now. Still got to get into the swing of writing ridiculously long posts so that no one can be bothered to read the whole of it.

Enjoy the fairly new pictures, and if I don't see you, Have a wonderful New Year, live long & prosper.

Blogger's Block.

2004-12-01T13:20:00.000Z

Today, I have absolutely nothing new you tell you.

...

Nope. Can't think of anything.

...

Sorry.

'Hello, Cllliiiivvvvee!'

2004-11-30T13:51:00.000Z

Hey Boys & Girls.

'How Do? Who They? & Why?' you may be asking yourself...

Well the people in question would be Newman & myself, just yesterday after my 2 day visit to his student house in Portsmouth.

He will probably kill me for publishing these Polaroid’s as its clearly apparent that we look like and couple of twats and in the right photo, his chin has disappeared. 'There's no definition! THERE'S NO DEFINITION!'

But I'm going to keep them on here anyway because, to be honest... He deserves it.

He's been laughing at all your photos on the Internet, so it's time for James to taste his own medicine.

Besides, I like it (although my bleary eyes may make me look pretty off my head, I really wasn't) and what's he gonna do to me all the way in Portsmouth? Huh?

Nothing that’s what.

So anyways, enjoy.

I've gotta get a bigger bedroom.

I can't wait to get a place of my own.

My bedroom's nice; it's just too tiny for my needs now.

I can't fit all the things James has got:

1 Phat PC, 2 Monitors, Decks, Web Cam, Fancy Digital Camera, Dung Bells, Single Bed, Sofa Bed, Comfy Chair, Fast Internet Connection, Retro Alarm Clock, 5.1 Surround Sound, XBox Live + too many games.

Dam You Newman, I want all those things!

I also would mind those hi-tops you got either. Though I probably couldn't be bothered to clean them all the time so they keep white.

Actually, I was pretty impressed by how tidy Newman's room is.

Those of you, unlucky enough to experience the abomination that was James's bedroom back in his parent’s house will equally be as astonished.

You pretty much had to walk on the walls, there was so much junk on the floor.

Even Spiderman would have trouble with that.

But no, James is a new man now (gettit) - an obsessive-compulsive tidier like myself, his room is immaculate.

It's still early days thou, as his skills have only stretched out as far as his room.

The kitchen's state is something less desirable. But I'm not having a go... after all, that student life for ya.

There's much to tell of my expidition but I have to go...

I can't stay on the Internet too long before someone finds out.

Catch ya later.

Way Too Much Blog

2004-11-24T15:27:00.000Z

HAZZAR! HAZZAR! HAZZAR!

I've found one of Blake's Easter Eggs!

Easter Egg No. 4 to be precise.

Apparently there are about 30 or so... he says.

I bet there's actually only 29 - so suckers like me will be forever searching for a hidden link that's not there.

I've been spending today mostly recovering from my jaw dropping to the floor as I stared in pure horror at the bank statement Natwest gave me today.

I can't believe I've spent that much in a matter of 3 weeks.

The more I think about it the more I wanna cry right now in the library whilst everyone peeks round their monitors and book covers.

All that saving and then eBay and Christmas bloody ruin everything!

I much as I am now addicted to eBay...
'I FLIPPIN HATE YOU WITH A VENGEANCE
FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!'
(eBay that is, not you)

I took out yet another £10 from the ATM and hurried my ass to West Wickham train station to give it to the nice man at the counter in return for 2 pieces of card.

Actually he's not as nice as that other nice man who I see on Tuesdays.

He waves to me... yes, he does.
And he gives me the OUT ticket on top of the RTN card every time... coz he's nice like that.
Thinking about it, I don't much care for the ticket man I saw today at all.

He's not a patch on this guy.

He doesn't greet me, there's no eye contact, he hands over my change very sloppily, and...

...he's bald.

Oh Well.

I'm getting on with the I,Robot book Ash gave me whilst on the train.

It's not bad really. Just nice, easy reading.

What's better is it's short.

No Pictures mind : )

No I'm only joking, I don't have any problem reading a long book as long as it's interesting.

'Are You Dave Gorman?' has to be one of my favourite books.

Hilarious stuff - If you don't know, it's about comedian, Dave Gorman searching for 54 (the number of cards in a deck - including jokers) of his namesakes with his flat mate. They end up meeting a number of amusing characters and eventually trek the globe in search of other Dave Gormans', often ending in hilarious consequences. Check it out.

Well for a change I get to college on time. Things were going well. That is until I try to find where my lesson is on the notice board.

The fact is... there is no notice.

I've looked around the places that usually am but I can't see anyone in my group.

So basically I've wasted my time and money coming in - once again. I could of done exactly the same work I'll be getting round to at home.

I've been sitting at this computer staring at a screen since 10am now.
(not really that much of an endurance test I know, but my butt cheeks are awfully numb now - I'm sitting on my keys in my back pocket I think.)

So what have I been doing all this time you ask?

Well, mostly I've been checking up all of your websites.

I've red pretty much all of Blake's extensive RWS memories:

I don't know many of them but I do remember The Bench Society (tm) pushing people like me off their sacred bench at lunchtime... ...Havva accidentally knocking the rather expensive projector off of the trolley in Mr. Carrington's lesson... ...and the Hilarious moment when Rob McDougall managed to fall off the science balcony onto the reception chairs below...

I've caught up on the happenings of the elusive Hob Disk. I hadn't seen it for ages but it's a good read. I've also left a few stupid comments myself.

I've laughed in embarrassment at Newman's abandoned (and fairly useless) 'Day Of Defeat' website. ('I don't care if I didn't make my template... my websites better!' - previous Milhouse-Newman squabble. No hard feeling Newman!)

I've checked out Aylwin's Frequency Suspects site only to find that it hasn't been updated since never. I'm not cussing, it's just it would be good to keep it up as you have got a new band member - and it looks blinding. (nice work Newman I must say)

I've looked at Dommy C's old site. I know he works hard, so I can't have a go at him for not keeping it up. Nice Colour Palette dude.

I've realized just how kool Jonnie T's Blunt Skulls website is. (Jonnie T - RWS's once very own Hard-Rocking, Ska-Lovin, Checkered-Wearing Art-Making Amigo) I love the picture of Jonnie T in his customized suit. Has anyone got a copy I could have?

I've also gained inspiration from his brilliant DIVMAN comics (Unfortunately there's only 7. We Want More! Jonnie!).

Currently, I'm in the thought process of presenting a website with the bunch of cartoon characters I made over the years. I might make a few strips over Christmas time too. They've been recent 'train journey project' which I've developed from this one drawing I did in RWS called the Chipstick family*. Expect to see it in the new year. Bet you can't wait can you?

So. Yeah. It's been nice surfing today. Good to see how you've all got on.

I must admit, reading those memories of Blake's kinda brought a tear to my eye. Makes me realize how good those times were. Infact I really wish I could go back and re-live them. I would definitely change a lot of things that I did/didn't do. Not embarrassing stuff or anything. More the fact that I could been more involved in my surroundings and the people I was around.

I've actually been thinking the past few days how I should make the most of days - that time is wasted on the youth and I should get off my ass and enjoy life.

If only it was that easy though.

If I'm to make an early New Year's Resolution, it would be to do just that.

The first step for me has to be getting organized.

BTW - Congratulations on reading this far if you have... I would have been bored out of my head if I was reading this. Look at me babbling on.

Well, to finish off this sentimental mush crap, I just wanna take this reflective moment to say that although I wish some things were better, I'm grateful for the memories I've had, I thank everyone that I know, everyone whose been there for me and everyone I care for. Be it family or acquaintance, I want you to know that I love you guys. And I know it's sounds sissy but I'm being serious when I say that. You shape the world around me. Honest.

(you can puke now)

All the best.
Take it easy.
Over & Out.

*Once I pushed a Salt & Vinegar Chipstick into my forehead for a bet after school.
I ended up getting got loads of cuts from it, the vinegar made it irritated and I had to get the bus home with my co-mates asking why I had huge red rash on my forehead...

...I've never looked an actual Chipstick in the face since.

I'm Desperately Trying To Think Of A Title.

2004-11-23T13:32:00.000Z

Just had a lecture from writer/director/animator named Robert Morgan.

We watched a few of his shorts and he's pretty good.

It's really dark, scary work he's done.

Anyone who's done film studies knows the kind of stuff I'm talking about.

Though the animation he's done is amazing.

Most have no dialogue, just ambiance - but he can get a million different emotions out of just one facial expression just by adjusting the light, etc.

Pretty tense and horrific, but beautiful and other-worldly.

One of the short (The Separation) is about conjoined twins who are separated at a young age, but later in life feel the absence of their sibling attached to them...

...oh yeah... and they own a sewing factory.

I'll leave your imagination to work out what happens next.

There was one which, actually was a live action short, which involved a troubled boy, terrified of his older sister's words 'When you go to sleep, I'm going to smash your f**king head with a baseball bat' (ahh, sisterly love).

He also has visions of a mental patient equipped with an axe, escaping from the local clinic and massacring his family in full over-the-top gratuitous violence.

Sound nasty but it's shot and acted really well.

And the Mental guy looks scarily like the S&M baddy from Farscape... I've forgotten his name.

Aylwin help me out... (he's a Farscape nut).
( They're making a movie don't you know... )

''WHAT THE FRELL IS GOING ON KRYTON!''

So yeah... oh, and my favourite of the shorts was called 'The Cat With Hands'

It's about 3 minutes. Click on the link and take a look.

You'll never guess what it's about. : )

It's a cleverly simple plot and is very like those old nightmarish fairy tales, but you don't really see this kind of stuff anymore. Takes me back to watching stuff like this as a child and being freaked the freak out.

I'm looking forward to visiting Newman this Sunday (I've missed you buddy!). I've got to buy a 2-day return train ticket to Portsmouth where he's staying. Whilst I'm there I'm pretty sure there will be some hardcore 'Halo 2' multiplayer goin on.

Newman is an absolute Mad Man when it comes to virtual reality assinations.

Scarily so infact...

Valid proof that my prediction is correct...

Newman's Dad is an international secret agent.

Getting tips from the big boys eh James? Explain that one!

Just don't tell him I said that, incase tomorrow I mysteriously die from 'accidentally-looking-too-far-over-a-12-storey-window.'

Anyway, I'm off to bid on the very rare PSone game, Vib Ribbon.

Wish me luck!

C U L8R Ladies & Gentlemen.

Public Service Announcement

2004-11-22T09:32:00.000Z

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
INTERNET 20/11/04

Use of this facility is increaseing - and so are the associated bills!!!

: RESTRICT YOUR USE AND DO NOT USE OTHER THAN FOR ESSENTIAL WORK.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

- post it note I found today next to the 'family' PC, left for myself and hand-written by Steve.

Not only am I not allowed to pay for broadband myself, but I can't use the crappy 56K we have either.

Unbelievable. I:(

'I Have Wings Like A Shield Of Steel!'

2004-11-18T13:47:00.000Z

Well. Thank you all for your concern.

Thankfully I had picked up the wrong roll.

Which saves me precious time having to re-shoot everything all over again.

Although If I picked up the wrong one in the first place, I wouldn't have any problem anyway.

So much for my fancy labeling system.

I remember putting one used roll of one side of the bed and a new one on the other but thanks to a slightly paranoid short-term memory I must of panicked again and completely forgotten what was where.

I hate being dumb. It's gonna get me killed one day I swear.

I'm starting to get that horrible felling in my stomach as I feel everything toppling over me.
I need to work harder and get to school on time.

THOSE BLOODY TRAINS AGAIN.

I purposefully made an effort today to get up earlier, eat a healthy sized breakfast compared to just my usual 'pro-biotic yogurt drink', get showered and refreshed in the morning hours rather than when I get home, pick up my package from the post office, come back and then leave again to wait for the '18 past' in good time.

Well I managed to accomplish all those things except catch the train which, low and behold, was cancelled.

Seriously, I was so close to crying.

So now instead of being the the street lecture theatre learning things, I'm in the library feeling dread for having to creep in after lunch break.

They don't act to kindly to people who stroll in 20mins late, so I can't even go in to hear the rest of whatever's on today menu.

At least I can still get on with my essay here, but the really annoying thing was that it wasn't my fault today.

I'm gonna have to wake up even earlier next week.

Oh yes...

...My package!

Well, other than a pretty depressing start to the day - which also included rain literally gushing over my recently 'dryed and fruktissed hair', making me look like a wet dog - I did get some enjoyment out of collecting my 'Special Delivery' from the post office.

There's definitely something about brown paper and duck tape...

I was walking down my road, cradling it in my arms and just looking at it in wonderment.

Even though I knew what was in it, I still caught my brain guessing what might be inside... Desperately resisting the urge to rip it open there and then;

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Right Side (creative side):
He's wrapped this up well hasn't he?...
...Look, he's written Milhouse on it!
...It's not ticking is it?...
...Could be a bomb! - Bombs comes package like this shape.

Left Side (sensible side):
Don't be stupid, it's you're camera isn't it. You know that.

Right Side:
Welllll, I don't know - feels a bit light to be a camera, maybe there was a mix up in the post.

Left Side:
...hmmm...

Right Side:
...says fragile on it...

Left Side:
Then for God sake Matt don't drop it...

...matt...

...Matt...

...MATT! Don't drop it! Hold it steady!

Right Side:
I AM, OK?!

Left Side:
That's it...now walk slowly, what you rushing for?

Right Side:
I want to get home and open it

Left Side:
Why?

Right Side:
It's Exciting!.

Left Side:
Grow up Matt, it's just a package.

Right Side:
It's not 'just' a package, idiot...

Left Side:
Whatever. (child)

Right Side:
...

I'm gonna open it now.

Left Side:
Are you crazy? We're not even home yet.

Right Side:
So?... I wanna have a look.

Left Side:
Matt NO. Wait till we're home.

Right Side:
...I'm opening it

Left Side:
Matt!

Right Side:
Just a peek.

Left Side:
Stop It!

Matt that's enough!

...RIP...

Left Side:
You idiot. What did you do that for! YOU CAN'T JUST WAIT CAN YOU, EH?!

YOU NEVER LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY DO YA!

WELL I'VE HAD ENOUGH I'M LEAVING THIS JOINT!

I HOPE YOU TURN INTO SPONGE!

Right Side:
Oh I'm sorry! I'm Sorry! I'm Sorry! Matt Don't leave me! Please! PLEASE! ...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

... It's goes on like this.

It's at this point within my blog that I advise anyone with the capability to read minds to stay the hell away from mine... It gets a bit crazy up there sometimes.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention about the Postman. I went into the room where you go to collect such packages and rung the bell for assistance as no one was there.

Within 2 seconds a guy strolled out to me and said... 'Oh, Hello Matt'

...

I've never met this man in my life.

Strange?, I thought.

I gave him my slip and he promptly goes to the back room and comes back with a brown box addressed M. Milhouse.

'Here you are Matt' he goes. 'If you could sign this Matt'

'Great. See you later Matt'

Bye, I guess.

Now, does anyone else find this a bit freaky?

A postman, I have no recollection of even seeing, speaks to me like an old acquaintance and calls me by my first name.

Of course you would say that he must of seen my package beforehand and assumed it was mine.

But my name wasn't on there - it was address M.Milhouse, after my user name on eBay.

I mean, he seemed like a friendly enough guy. But exactly how much does he know about me?

Do I have a secret stalker postman?

Think about the prospects of being a stalker postman...

He can read all my mail before me...
He knows where I live...
Who my friends & family are...
My bank details...
My hand writing...
Even what magazines I read.

Not even my mum knows that (Joking)!

So I am a little puzzled about that to say the least.

He had an Irish accent, so I was wondering whether he was actually saying 'Mate' but with a silent 'E'

Do Irish do that?

I've almost done all my Xmas shopping now.
But all my saving up has seemed to be all in vain, as there is now a Bloody huge hole in my pocket.

It gets more expensive every year I swear.

Christmas... Humbug.

It's all one big holiday for supermarkets.

Anyway. Better do some work now.

Take it easy guys and girls.

P.S.

ENGLAND YOU ARE CRAP. SOMEONE NEEDS TO KICK A NOVELTY GIANT FOOTBALL BOOT UP YOUR A HOLE!

Blake, that whole Eskimos versus Inuits thing...?
I must have watched the same channels.

'Anyone for 'Put a Bit of Sellotape on the Fridge?''
Sounds Fun.

Anyone For Frustration?

2004-11-16T13:47:00.000Z

Bloody Hell.

I thought I'd spend my lunchtime productivley and develop my negatives at college.

Well either I've really 'effed' things up (highly plausable) or I've picked up the wrong roll of neg - There's nothing on them.

I really hope they are the wrong ones coz I spent ages on that roll.

What a waste of time that was.

Blood, Blood, Glorious Blood.

2004-11-10T11:25:00.000Z

I forgot to mention yesterday that it was my Dad's birthday. 'Hip! Hip!...'

I saw him in the morning before he went for his birthday dentist appointment (Ha Ha!) and gave him his card.

To save on expenses, James decided to write on an old Father's Day card and cross the essential 'Fathers Day' bit out to replace it obviously with 'Birthday' - We managed to buy 2 cards accidentally last Dad Day, you see.

It's Dan's 4th Birthday Party on Saturday but I won't be seeing him for a while because of work an all. Shame really.

He's getting a whole Lego Pirate set from most of us - so during the past upcoming days Dad and Alison have been subtly dropping encouraging comments towards the one-eyed, one-legged, parrot lovers.

I gave blood on Monday for the first time.

I'm pretty chuffed with myself really, as it's something I've always wanted to do but never had the urge to motivate myself to go when its on.

The little beds they stick you on are really comfortable!
I fancy getting one for my room.

I won't lie though. You can certainly feel it when they stick it in. And a kind of vampire's blood-sucking sensation from the needle. It's not that bad though.

It's the pulling off the plaster afterwards that's the worst part.

Especially if you have particularly hairy arms as I do from my albino werewolf days...

1st rip: 'AHHHH!.... '

2nd rip: 'AHH... AHHH... AHHHHGH'

3rd rip: 'BLOODY HELL
THAT SMARTS!'

You get the idea.

The guy sitting next to me was really cool and was telling me everything about what was happening. Apparently the pint of blood I gave could go to help as many as three people... They separate all the white & red blood cells and so on to get maximum usage out of it so they say.

They're a real sense of satisfaction about the whole thing.

Plus you get complimentary biscuts and an excuse to sit on your arse for the rest of the day!

Certainly thats worth a pint alone?

No loading heavy plates into the dishwasher for me!

Grolsch, Goths & Grand Theft Auto

2004-11-09T18:23:00.000Z

Wow.

I feel really ashamed that it's taken me this long to post.

I get the feeling that I'm continually 'flaking out' apologizing about not posting so after this, I'm not going mention it any more as it's not particularly prime-time reading.

So what's happened in my life?

To be honest I feel kinda bad coz things are starting to mount up.

Mostly college work.

I've still got that essay to write amongst other things.

I predominantly blame this on Playstation are their lastest release which needs no introduction...

...GTA San Andreas.

Well it's only bloody addictive isn't it!

Playing it for over a week now, I've been waking up with cravings for the game and spent nights awake thinking about jacking cars and killing homies.

I'm not the persuasive type am I?!

Thankfully Ash has nabbed it off me... It is his afterall.

Perhaps now I can re-emerge into glorious techniqcolour reality!

Speaking of cravings...

Remember that old 90's classic, 'Constant Craving' by KD Lang ?

Heard it yesterday and I swear, she says 'Can't Stand Gravy' in the chorus.

Listen to it. It's not Constant Craving, its Can't Stand Gravy.

I might just attempt to pitch a marketing opportunity to Bisto...

I'm sure with today's modern technology they can make ol' KD appear to fit 'OXO's' in between's stand and gravy.

I'm pretty proud with my iTunes Library right now.

I don't know if I've told any of you but being a bit of a music lova, over the last 2 years I've obtained roughly 20.3 days of solid listening material.

That's 487 hours 12minutes & 7 tenths of a second of music.

Not bad. Since most of it's not mine.

I don't burn illegally of course, a lot has come from my Dad's collection, my friends and the wonder that is the iTunes music store.

I imagine that there's is probably something there for even the most extreme music tastes.

It's nice having such a wide music selection as I have come across various covers of the same track from completely different artists/bands.

I make a musical link such as... Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stevie Wonder - Blue - Elton John - George Micheal - Queen - Wyclef Jean - Lauryn Hill - Eminem - Obie Trice - Nate Dogg - Dr. Dre - The Rolling Stones - Musiq Soulchild - Scratch - Rahzel - Bjork - Sting - Craig David - Artful Dodger - Oxcide & Neutrino - Ali G - Baddest Ruffest - U2 - Seal - R. Kelly - The Isley Brothers - Snoop Dogg - N.E.R.D. - Britney Spears - Justin Timberlake - Basement Jaxx - The Chemical Brothers - Fatboy Slim - All Saints - Red Hot Chili Peppers

phew. I'm not doing that again!

I've also noticed strange appearances of the Nightrider Theme in the Punjabi MC track.

Also Lemar's 50-50 is uses a backing track from an earlier Jay Z track.

Interesting stuff.

I guess you all heard about the Goth - Cherry Milkshake incident.

Just to clarify I didn't literally throw it at her.

Instead I kinda tripped whilst holding it losely in my hand and unluckily managed to project it over the majority of her black attire as I was walking/falling towards her.

Thing is... I was really looking forward to drinking that.

I sometimes buy them from the AMT Coffee stall at London Bridge Station and on that occasion I bought one orange milkshake and one cherry as I was feeling pretty glutinous.

After literally devaluing the meaning of sorry to her, I offered her the free napkin I got with it to clean herself up and I walked off in a fairly sharpish fashion... My head to the floor and resiteing how much of an idiot I felt.

Being a Goth. She was actually quite a nice person at heart and I got off pretty lightly.

Thou I'm not sure who was more embarrassed - There were quite a few other commuters around her, which unsurprisingly felt the wrath of the giggle loop instantly and another who saw what happened and was commentating over her mobile to her boyfriend.

Bloody Hell. Could it of been worse if it tried?

People... Please share any highly embarrassing moments you've had so I can try and feel better about it all.

Anyway.

I'd like to thank Ash & Gem for their hospitality and company recently.

We went to the White Stag pub in West Wickham on Friday (Apperently the bar tender is huge fan of poetry or something, so he told me) and played the celebrity name game of which I am now a member.

Ashleigh has also been helping me as my male model no.1/codirector with my first attempted photo project. Still to be finished though.

I'm gonna have to go back to old skool RWS on Friday to get the last images done a I require that rather large reflective window outside the geography block.

I might as well pick up my old A level art work too whilst I'm there.

Seems like ages ago yet my days there have come and gone so quickly... If that makes sense.

On Saturday when the local fireworks display was on I was stuck in bloody Safeways which was an absolute ghost store at the time - 3 customers in 3 hours or working. Unbelievable.

Finally, most recently, to counteract my addiction of GTA... if now become addicted to eBay.
I've spent about £60 this week on junk but I can't tell you what I've bought as some are Xmas prezziez for you lucky people.

NO EVERY ONE THOUGH!

I'm not made of money afterall.

So you'll have to be especially nice to me if you want one.

I suggest bribery... at least then I can pay for your present.

Right that's if for today...

I'm gonna catch up on Blakes blog ...

OPPPS not that one...

I mean this one.

Oh yeah... and I'd yet to meet Blake's request of handing the Golden Milhouse to his website...
I will do mind.

I'll also be changing the poll soon.
Or I might get rid of it completely.

I hope you all notice I've made a link on the top right of the site for my photos.

Just to save you the trouble of searching for it in old posts in the archives later.

I will sometimes add new photos now & then when the time comes.

I'll tell you when I do but it may mean having to take off previous images.

Let me know if you'd like any of the photos/graphics in larger format and I'll try my best to e-mail them to ya.

Byezibye.

Just A Quick One

2004-10-28T18:53:00.001+01:00

Hey I'm really sorry for lack of posts recently.

It's been a pretty buzy week.

Tonight I Finally Got Round To Sticking Some Photos On The T'Interrnet For All Too See.

It's Not Actually The Briefcase Link I Gave A While Ago But A Different Section Called Yahoo Photos

It's The Same Thing But Means That You Won't Be Able To Tamper With The Images.

Not That I Don't Trust You Or Anything... It's Just That You Will Always Get The Odd Dickhead Who Thinks It Would Be Funny To Delete All The Images I Have Painstakingly Loaded, Named, Arranged & Subtitled For The Last 3 Hours.

Anyway I Hope You Enjoy The Various Photos On There.

Go To... This Website .

I Guess It's A Good Opportunity For All You To Get Aquainted With One Another.

Family, These Are My Friends, Friends, This Is My Family... Well, Some Of The Anyway.

Tomorrow I'm Going Up To Regent Street For Some Classic Browsing Round The Fancy Shops with Ash & Gem.

Should Be Fun. Hopefully I Won't Burn Too Much Of A Hole In My Student Savings.

I Desperatley Need To Win The Lottery Or Something...

There Are More & More Things That I 'Need' To Buy.

Particularry Skool Equipment & Clothes - I've Been Wearing These Lot For Years Now.

Where Is The Wealthy Ansestor's Heritage When You Need It?

I Believe It' Will Be Ash & Gem's First Anniversary Together Tomorrow so A Big Congrats To Them For That...

That's Something, Is'nt It?

I realize I'm Seriously Lacking In Previous Daily Occurances such As What Has Happened This Week & My Weekend On A Narrow Boat...

I'll Sort Out Some Spare Time To Get Thatt Sorted For You.

I'll Just Say Though That If You Want A Mates Holiday, Get On A Narrow Boat. Really Old Skool Cool... I Love Them.

I've Just Noticed That I've Done Something Wierd. At The Moment I Can't Actually Type Without Adding A Capital Letter To Each Word.

It's Because I've Been Nameing About 60 Files And Have Got In To The Pattern Of Holding Shift After Every Word.

It Happens To Me Sometimes.

Hold Tight Guys... I'll Be Back Soon.

Take It Easy.

Can I Be Your Friend?

2004-10-20T18:53:00.000+01:00

YESSSSS! SUCCESS!

I've finally cracked the newbie barrier!

Suddenly I'm everyones pal.

I'm being called by my first name, there's no awkward silences, I'm clicking with people on numerous levels of conversation, and I feel like I just met a bunch of live-long chums for the first time.

All it took was me acting the fool a bit, laughing a lot, and enjoying the company around me.

I actually seem to be the more dominant personality within the Animation group of 6 today, which is odd for me.

I now know Kin Ly (she was pretty hammered after 48 hours of being blind drunk and was suffering respectivley) - I suggested that she eat an apple to cure your hangover.

But then realised I got my facts truely screwed up as an apple actually has nothing to do with a hangover remedy but infact is twice as more affective than coffee at waking you up in the morning...

What a dumb ass.

We talked about how she travelled around London desperately looking for a Porn video 'for her friend's 21st celebration' (hmm, like I believe that, the foxy minx) but came back with a feature on 2 women and Cat-O-9-Tail whips. She then went back to the store and had a fat arguement with the store owner!

She kept refering to me being 'a little baby' as of my youthful face and her being a year older than me. I laughed it off, but deep down, I was hurting! : )

She buf, really buf in a British-Oriental way, but a bit dumb for my likeing (Yes ladyez, intelligence is sexy! ; ). Mind, she was still drunk thou, so I reserve her right to appear dumber than she actually might be, due to the excessive intake of Bacardi & Cokes.

Then there was James (yes I kno, another bloody one) who's profile I just managed to squeeze out - he likes a load of grungy rock bands I've never heard of.
James: 'Yeah I like Funeral, 10 mutha brothers, NIN...
...you've not heard of them have you?'
Me: 'Nnnnnnnno.'
So I tried my music expertise to impress him by saying...
Me: 'But I know a friend who's mad on INYOU, you heard of them?..
...no wait, not them...
...erm...
...what's their name?...
...INME!...
...yes, that's right...
...INME...
...he's mad on them he is.'

What a prat.

James: ...Ug.

Lorna & Holly - one blonde one brunette... equally majorly attracive, friendly, smart & smiley people - they actually asked me if I wanted to go out to the pub them and a group of others this evening.

'GET IN THERE MILHOUSE' you're saying!

Unfortunatley I had to tell them I had prior engagements at the Penge gathering and wouldn't be able to go (see, I go to meet a bunch of weirdos at church intead of making the Milhouse moves on a coulpe of hunnies - That's love man.)

I must be stupid.

Kim, Tejo, Keith, and a few others. I've made quite a selection here.
All very different but then equally v nice.
Bit like a packet of Revels except not including the coffee ones.

You can all feel very proud of my efforts today and I can go to Penge a happy man.

Just whilst I'm surfing... I've spotted myself on t'internet on the Penge Family Church webite

I'm FAMOUS! So is Dommy C, Alywin Steez & Richy Butt. Check it out.

And yeah, Check - out - the new RWS website. Pretty swish eh?

If you remeber your libary card and password you can 'hack' into the School's Intranet and 'Create Havok' Bwa Ha Ha Ha!

Oh, and you gotta check out Carl Allen, Aylwin and other recognised folk on the Penge FCFC (Family Church Football Club)
When were they taken?

You all like you were wearing Double XL shirts (No change for Aylwin, then).

It's hilarious.

I particulary like 'favoutite quotes of Jack' - He Buf.

Today was really kool. Animation is really fun.

We made a stop-motion film out of cutout characters from magazines the likes of South park.

Our's was PHAT.

We had a Popcorn Brain which turned it into Pacman who then ate a motorbike and made Bush kiss Tony Blairs head repeatidly.

A bit too long thou. Would of taken about half an hour to render as a '.avi' - Opps!

We eventually made it a quicktime movie for so once again I'll try my best to get in on t'internet.
If someone like Blake or Newman could tell me exactly how that would be good as I'm not sure I'll be able to put it on the Blogger site.
I imagine I'll have to make a seperate site with downloads. Is that right guys?

I still havn't told you about my weekend yet.
It was sooooo cool.

But I'll have to dish the dirt later, I'm going to make my way to Aylwin's now.

I'm late and it's all your fault.

Anyway, Things to see, people to do as they say.

Take Care fellow Mateyo's.

Milhouse, The Visionary

2004-10-19T18:35:00.000+01:00

OMG! My dreams are getting better and better.

Get this...

I watched pratically a whole feature length movie... in my sleep.

And the best thing about it is, that I made it all up. It's completely my own story.

As usual I've written it all down the second I woke up as the credits rolled.

But I've decided to keep most details of it schtum purely for plagiarism reasons, just in case say Mr. Kubrick is reading this in Heaven and wants to steal it.

I'm not kidding, this stuff is blockbuster material. A homage to some of the greatest movies and stories ever told set in the styles of some of the greatest directors ever seen.

Think, Once Upon A Time In The West (Leone) meets The Matrix (The Wachowski's) meets Romeo & Juliet (Bas Lerman) meets Star Wars (Lucas) meets 2001: A Space Odyssey (Kubrick) meets, Kill Bill 2 (Tarintino) meets, say, a John Woo film.

I'M SERIOUS! It was pretty action packed. But then also had a classic plot set in stone.

Of Course there will be a few edits, Some stuff didn't make quite a lot of sense - the characters were played by the actors of Neighbors - but then I've decided that this is not to be a believable or realistic vision as it's a story from a parallel universe (that's my excuse anyway).

I am very interested in film making and would much like a career in that area, so it's definitely an idea that I will work on for the future (I suspect for all the Special FX involved, a large budget would be ideal).

Say 10-15 years down the line it could be my 4th movie, acclaiming me as a legendary story teller Director. It that doesn't work, I could always sell the script to someone else.

I know exactly how the Soundtrack will be, the cinematography, the vehicles, the sets... Everything! So sorry I can't tell you.

Strangely, Yemi - fellow art student, Stevie Wonder lova, and middle child of the 3 hugely talented Adelikan brothers (anyone remember Gbenga?) from RWS (Ravens Wood School) - plays a small role in it as the lead character's life-long friend.

(I found a couple of links on him but I'm not sure if it's the dame person or not. Perhaps someone could help me find out.)

I've taken this as a note that I will HAVE to secure Yemi a role in the film whatever happens.

Bet all the rest of you are all jealous you don't appear in my dreams eh?

I'm sure that I can fit Blake in there to play a small cameo role somewhere.

That has to be the first time I've had a major brainstorm during an unconscious state though.

I imagine that's how some of 'the Great Minds of Yesteryear' must have got their ideas.

It feels like your suddenly a higher power and aware of everything around you. Bit like being stone drunk and off your head in Blue Orchard really (What a dump though).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not making myself out to be a divine being the likes of Mozart or Einstien or anything... Though I'm not necessarily ruling this out... I'm only 18 after all (I'm sure I wrote something like this somewhere else?!...)

BTW. I watched Koyaanisqatsi today.

I'm going to swear now because I think it is nesessery - It's Fuckin... AWESOME!

That's all i'm sayin. at the mo.

I'm off to watch a load of vids i'm borrowed from the library.

Milhouse Strikes Again!

2004-10-14T15:21:00.000+01:00

Yes it's true.

Once again I continue the quest of acting a total arse for the public's amusement.

And I have to say; it feels good to be back to normal.

I didn't tell you yesterday, but we were assigned into groups of 6 to make a short film to be shot & screened today.

Being the brand new hard-working student I never was, I spent the whole of last evening writing a draft script for the idea in mind.

The rules were that it should be 1-3 mins long and had to be edited only on camera, which meant everything had to be shot in sequence - as some of you may be aware, this a potential disaster just waiting to happen.

Of yeah, and as well as shooting it, we had to act in it too.

This was going to be pretty embarrassing.

Today we re-wrote it, re-hearsed it and shot everything in the space of 3 hours.
But the outcome is actually a pretty funny student sketch.

It's called 'Pride & Prejudice... IN SPACE! (The DVD featurette)'.

Yeah I know it's stupid, but hey it's okay because we're students.
We're meant to be idiotic.

The intension was to make a spoof 'mock-u-mentory' the likes of Spinal Tap about the making of a really crap Hollywood sequel to a British classic.

As of course, it was a complete piss-take on the shoddy DVD extras that such films have, for the film to work, everything had to be completely over the top and purposely shit.

I think we managed to pass this off pretty well!

To wrap the plot up as short as possible, it features irrelevant fake interviews with the crew and bizarre fake 'behind-the-scenes' clips of how the film goes totally tits up (even though it remains to be the most successful British film ever).

The extensive budget of the remake meant that the boisterous & idiotic Director (who doesn't know anything about the original storey) shoots everything on Green Screen but only uses 1 living, breathing actor (who's actually crap) and two CGI technicians (holding sock puppets to represent the missing characters) - One of which who can't get her head round the fact that her performance won't be actually seen, and the other who doesn't know how tall her sock puppet is supposed to be (resulting in her stretching up and down throughout the whole of filming).

I play the insanely shy film's writer, Chris Timmid (gettit!) who although he try's his best to help his absolutely murdered script from falling to the ground, is quite literally pushed around the whole time by the director.

In the end, the Diva-like Technician storms off the set & I finally throw a total sick one, shouting my head off at the fact everything's going wrong and punch the camera.

I guess you've gotta see it really but it's a real joke to watch.

You can imagine how inevitably red my face went when the rest of the class watched it.
I can't help it.

I know I look like an idiot on film but an over-the-top attitude to these situations is always better than none at all I always say.

If I can, (and I mean if) I'd love to stick it on here for you to see. Along with my head bashing stunt.

Anyway,

How are all you Ravensbourne students getting on BTW?
Blake's my only contact with you fellaz.
Does anyone know why he calls it Racodac thou?

I've gotta write a little section about Blake now because I think I owe it to him for making me laugh so much right now. I'm in the library and it's killing me trying to keep quiet.
It's the giggle loop all over again.

Everyone you have to see this it's just pure comic genius. I haven't cracked up so hard in ages.
I wish I saw it earlier thou. Read along with the music. If you know Queen like I do, you'll appreciate this. Did the bus thing really happen?

You remember me talking about the Greek beauty Natalie and how quiet she is?
Well forget that. I've managed to find...

THE SHYEST HUMAN IN THE WORLD!

I'm not kidding, it's actually quite scary how coy this person is.

It's quite possible that she was the soul inspiration for one of the 7 dwarfs.

She's Japanese, but in the whole 4 weeks at college she not shown an ounce of emotion, she seems to have a real attraction to the floor tiles (that or she has no neck), she hasn't taken part in any social activity whatsoever, I have no idea what her name is, I've no idea of her eye colour (yes girls, I do look!) ... hell, I don't even know what she sounds like, and she was in our film group of 6! (She played the sock puppet because she didn't want to do anything else - I know this because she nodded to me)

It's amazing... quite peculiar.

I'm thinking that one day she'll decide that being shy it's not as fun as she previously thought and without warning she'll spontaneously morph in to Johnny Bravo.
Or something like that.

I girl just waved too me again just now. Why are they tormenting me!

Once again, I've had no food today as I woke up too late to make lunch.
I feel its time too go home early and scoff something for a change.

Despite my self-starvation the past two days, I have successfully eaten a huge amount more than I'm used to.
This is all for a vain attempt to get a bit more bulk on this skeleton of mine.

At the moment, I found people in the street mistake me for Kate Moss's sibling too many times.

It's funny though. Whilst everyone else is trying to lose all this obese weight because they ate too many party rings as a child, I'm doing the exact opposite.

I guess I always was different though.

Catch ya later folks.

Blake, those card-swiping doors?... I totally sympathize with ya!
You're websites down at the moment. Thought you should know.
And BTW it's an arrestable offence to shoot photos in the underground... Biggup Elliot!

Collet, I think a toast to Superman would be very respectful indeed! Just make sure it's done tastefully. Perhaps a Superman sponge cake would do?

Everyone, I hope all these links i've been doing are well recieved?

Someone Shut My Mouth.

2004-10-13T14:15:00.000+01:00

Have you ever had an incident where you've tried to apologize for being rude, but actually come off as being ruder than previously? No? Well that just happened to me.

After being 10 mins late for class, I decided that it would be respectable of me to say sorry to my week's tutor after class, as he seemed to take offence due to my poor punuality. And I don't want to start the year on a bad slate, do I?

Me: I just wanna apologize for being late today.
Tutor: Yeah, well your apology will be accepted if you don't do it again.

So far so good. But what I followed up with was where I went wrong...
I should of said 'okay' but instead, it wasn't so much what I said but how I said it.

Me: 'Yeah. Sure. C Ya.'

MATT YOU IDIOT!

I meant to give the impression that I understood what he said and respected that. But now, he probably thinks I have some deep down grudge because he told me off.

'Yeah. Sure you do. Bite me Sir.'

This has put me in a serious position...

Should I apologize again for making a potencial sarcastic comment, or should I leave it and pretend it never happened?

I'm so screwed.

My left nostril feels like I've crammed all of the antartic's icebergs in there.
I sence a winter cold a'comin. Don't you just hate that?

Red the Free Metro paper on the train today and I have to say, amonsted the death and tragedy, there a quite a few interesting articles in today's edition.

'The Top Ten Types That Wind Us Up' was amusing.
This inclueded some familier types such as...

The 'Noisy Git' - people who equip their cars with ear-drum bursting bass tubes and fans of maddening mobile phone ring tones.

The 'Movie-Going Moron' who insistes on using a mobile phone in a cinema, constantly asks their partner about the plot, eats popcorn with their mouth open and chats solidly for 90 minutes.

&, ha ha, the 'Pushy Salesman' - those joyous individuals who interrupt browsing shoppers with the phrase: 'Do you need any help Sir?' - That would be me.

But I'd like to add that whilt I've had my revenge, they tell us to do it, I wouldn't normally!

Other news shows that

'That Peter Kay Thing' DVD has become the fastest selling TV based release of the year (145,000 copies sold so far)
Next week could begin Britain's coldest winter in years with maximum temps in London being 6 degrees C (That means a large probability of SNOW!)
Marilyn Manson is planing to launch his own make-up range and also appear as the Queen of Hearts in a 're-worked' Alice In Wonderland Film.
A pair of jeans designed by Salley Hershberger will cost $1000 (£560)
Homosexuality could possibly derive from parents with large families.
Some guy from Essex raising money for charity doing a coast-to-coast trek of Austrailia dressed in Tweed and riding a Penny Farthing.
And the famous 64 year old Golden Arches logo of the seventh biggest brand in the world, McDonalds, is being ditched for a question mark.

Why?

Expect a booklet through the post some time soon with the slogan 'McDonald's: But not as you know it!'. How pathetic.

So yeah. Interesting stuff.

Someone just called my mobile but I don't have their number. 07****8890, I'm not likely to pick up if I don't know you I'm afraid. Sorry.

Has any one seen The Bernie Mac Show? Watch it. It's hilarious. Channel 4. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday 8:50am. It's like a Black version of Malcolm in the Middle!

I'm gonna go now before I'm late again.

Chowder.

All Work & No Play...

2004-10-12T18:58:00.000+01:00

You might be interested to know that I've actually been working hard on some actual research today. Or you might not, in which case you should skip this part.
Yes. 'Actual Work'. I can't believe it either. I thought this Art Course was just a dos subject to be honest but no, somehow the infamous 'essays' have made their appearance.

After a rather amateur & late starting lecture (11:00), I went straight to the college shop, bought the cheapest sketch book I could find, and went to the Library to start planning out this essay.

It took me back to memories of my old school, drawing brainstorms, doing bullet points and of course the obligatory doodle of a stick man holding a Tommy gun. Ahh Yes!

The essays not in till the end of November, but I've decided to turn a new leaf (I think that's the phrase) and get it done well & sorted earlier rather than shoddily, 5 hours before the deadline and using matchs sticks to keep my struggling eyes open. We've all been there. Except for Dom maybe..?

I must say I did rather enjoy planning out this piece of homework. I'm packing the book full of notes and quotes and such. It's hopefully gonna be the s**t once it's finished, s'cuse me French.

The topic, f.y.i. is 'How the media manipulates the public through advertising or the press.'

I'll be looking at the power of Celebrities, Propaganda, Beckham, Target Audiences & Newspaper Hype.

Being a former film student slacker, some of this stuff I've already touched on, which is good.

B.T.W. If anyone's got the 100 greatest TV adverts on tape it would be most helpful to me.

You know, I've been saving my money up for a good two/three months now, not getting any money out of my account unless absolutely necessary. Since the prospect of having 1Mb broadband in my room, I've had even more incentive to do so.
But it seems that this week I must be listening to Shirley Bassey in my sleep - I've got an overwhelming desire to spend my money (Now's the time to strike guys!).

I bought myself two French baguettes costing 60p, so make myself packed lunch (which I might add are still delicious).
I bought four creme brules from my local M&S at £4.99 (I couldn't help myself)
A student cook book for Dommy C. (Hope it helps dude!)
A £3.95 two-night rental of 'The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' (which now, I have to add to add to my DVD collection)
A £10 phone top-up.
£5 of bottled booze (Ram's, Bombardier, Hob Goblin & good ol' Newcastle Brown)
And 1 an hour and a half driving lesson costing £26 (My 11th lesson and I've become a natural at left turn reversing!).
A 70p sketch book.
3 10-packs of Snack size Mars bars £3.59
One HB Pencil (25p)
A Blue Biro (25p)
And A Black Biro (25p)

So yeah, I'm pretty bummed that all my money been burned so fast this week.

To add the financial torment, the word on the street is that I might not be allowed broadband because of rows within the 'family unit'. So all this saving could be for nothing. Arrrgh.
I don't know why I'm not being allowed, it seems that my 'best interests' are being controlled by my Step dads hatred for me.

I've kept the broadband subject quiet for the moment. The secret is to lay low, and then next week casually bring it up again! I will get broadband, it's just a matter of time.

For those of you who might not know, I really don't get on with my step dad.
We've had an ongoing feud for a few years now. At the moment, he's been really stressed out with me for no particular reason, bad-mouthing me whilst I'm in the other room and has acted a complete prat around the house in general.
So at the moment we're not even looking at each other. I can tolerate him being around, but that doesn't mean I should acknowledge him. In my younger years I would often argue back but have found that actually makes the situation worse so now I just ignore him and we converse through my mum.

I get by though, so please don't be concerned or anything just coz I wrote that. It's what hundreds of families put up with. I just wanted to share it with y'all.

I'm thinking of going for the job on the Meat & Fish counter at Safeway's to compliment my current Deli job as I need more Green.

I advertised the spaces to the currently 'un-employed-but-ok-with-that' Ashleigh, but whether he'll take if up is up to him. My bets he won't!

I noticed that while watching the BBC's promotional music video, 'A Perfect Day' today, the magnificent 'saxophonist', Courtney Pine featured a solo in it - An artist jazz man Aylwin recommended to me.

I've been bleeding continually today.
My extensive lay-in this morning meant I had to rush around, and since my lower face was starting to look like an overgrown snow-capped forest, I needed to shave very quickly. In my haste, I nipped the skin between my nose and upper lip (I believe it's called the philtrum) and it's not stopped bleeding since. Let me tell you, you look bloody stupid having to constantly dab your philtrum with a tissue every 30 seconds because there's a red mark appearing.

You'd think that a small clean cut from a razor would heal up pretty quickly wouldn't you?

Ohh! Guess whose goin on a four-day trip on a Narrow boat?
Me!
Really looking forward to it. It starts Friday and I'm going with Cozin Jane, my Aunt n' Unk and of course Grandma & Papa. It's a secret birthday present for Papa so you have to be quiet!

Reminds me of that's kids program Rosie & Jim. Remember they had their exciting adventures and the skipper would never know! Then there was that Wooden duck on the top! Wow it was so exciting!

It's getting late now, I better go.

Tar'rah chaps and chapesses!

I apologize to Collet. I won't be able to make your partay. Hope it's brilliant thou.
I was going dress as Batman and then Ash would be Robin.
Thought Superman would be a bit unsavoury for the occasion.

Sorry Aylwin we didn't hook up Sunday.
My granparents were ova unexpectedly and you know how over-powering granparents can be...
'I came all this way too see you and you wanna go and see your friend? I won't be around forever you know...' - once they play that card you can kiss your social life goodbye.

I might be visiting Newman on the 24th, perhaps we could meet then?

'You Wanna Be A Record Breaker?'

2004-10-09T14:43:00.001+01:00

Has anyone realised that going up an escalator the hand rest goes up faster than the stairs do?
I managed to prove this by ending up a 45 degree angle when determined not to let go of the London Bridge underground escalators.

Thought you should know.

Continueing my endurance tests for the week, I held my breath underwater in the bath for 2 and a 1/2 minutes today. No joke or a lie. Possibley being my personal record.

The secret is to take really long a controled breaths beforehand to slow your heart rate.

I, myself have practiced this act since I was a little kipper and therefore am a professional at this skill.

I should seriously advise that to anyone who has only a handfull of brain cells, this activity should not be performed by oneself as you might forget to remember to come back up afterwards.

I gotta go to work now.

Slice hams, scrub plates, initial papers, wash floors, fill counters, top pizzas, smell cheese, poke chickens and all that jazz.

Ciao.

Poor Little Bugger...

2004-10-07T18:31:00.000+01:00

Those 'effin tubes!

The Northbound line is suspended today because of a fire inspection which is kind of worrying.
I get the Southbound to college luckily, otherwise I might of been late to college, god forbid.

The only thing is that I do plan on getting back home at some point today.

Who knows what 'terribly mysterious' things could happen if I was to stay the night in the E&C subway.

I guess a de-tour is in hand for this evenings voyge to West 'Side' Wickham.

Oh yeah...

There was a very possible possibility that I had a near death experience today (Again!).

Whilst I was traveling on the tube between Borough & the E&C station, we were whirring along quite happily...
I was listening to the 'clichéd' Rock classic, 'We Will Rock You'...
Mr. Bling next to me looked as if he left half his brain behind when out of the blue...

Buddy youre a young man, hard man, shoutin in the street, gonna take on the world some day. You got mud on 'yo face. You big disgrace. Somebody better put you back in your...'

...THUD!...

...the train shook violently as it bumped on something on the rails, making quite a substantial amount of onomatopoeia and a number of freaked out faces, including mine.

'What the frell was that!' - shouted Mr. Bling's friend, Snoop Doggy Dog Jr.
(Actually what he really said was a bit ruder than that, but you get the picture.)

Could this be a coincidence?

Would listening to Queen possibly not be the best choice artists when commuting to London?

Does the ghost of dear Freddie Mercury dwell within the darkness of la Northern Line?

SPOOKY!

I don't quite know what it was but it sure did make me leave the station pretty damn quick.

My guess is it was the demise of a little black tube mouse as his delicate frame met the sturdy tube wheels moving at top speed.

Poor Little Bugger.

Didn't know what was coming - It's not easy being small you know.

Anyway. Later today, I'm eating lunch and all these girls walking past the dining area keep smiling and waving at me.

What's up with that?!

I'm not used to that much female attension.

I kept wondering weather someone wrote on my forehead when I wasn't looking.
For example 'Pretty girls, smile & wave if you like chocolate'

Not that my forehead is that big... but it just seemed to be too strange.

I mean unless seeing be-speckled, white haired teenagers eating an egg & ham sandwich is a new turn on for women, there was no reason for it.

So yeah that was nice.

There's something very uplifting about seeing smiling faces for a change.

The business men on the trains are always so miserable.

I noticed that it's something I've been practicing recently. I recommend everyone else to try it.

It's quite contagious.

Go on... try it, you might like it (please don't sue, Dr. Pepper).

B.T.W. I just found quite an interesting debate online for all you Penge readers out there.
Join in and do your town justice I say.

Me and Natalie... I mean Natalie and I - sorry grandma (she doesn't read this) - got our photos back today. And actually, they came out better than I thought.

Our next step was to work out a layout & mount it, as they needed to show a narrative.

We separated the photo's into two stories on two different performers we looked at.

One being a knife juggler with a big personality and a huge crowd.

And the other, a shy... 'ladder and diablo...er... balancer' who struggled to get more than five people watch his act.
Bless.
I gave him a few coins for the effort anyway.

It was funny getting the pictures arranged. Natalie's very sweet.

She has a really nice Greek accent, and as it was a group effort, she kept asking 'well what do you think about doing zis?..' in her Mediterranean style.

She's going back to her home country tonight for the weekend.

Thought you might want to know.

Our presentation of the photo story, I'd say, was one of the better ones.

There were a lot of people, mainly the females, who talk so quiet you can't here a word of was goin on - coz they're shy infront of crowds.

I used to be like that, but a couple of years ago I thought, well if you're gonna do anything infront of a audience you might as well go for it (many of you are already aware of this from the ever notorious, 'Milhouse Rap' - ahh memories!).

There are some good imaginations out there I must say.
But then again, there were a lot lacking a concept.

Now I'm not being a big head - I actually think I know nothing whatsoever about photography - , but so many people take pictures without thinking about the overall composition.
Just a few tips - Remember the rule of thirds, keep close to the subject and look at both the foreground & background - they're equally as important.

Pheww.

I ate my first packed lunch today!
Yes, no more spending for me.
Just Good ol' Sandwich & filling.

And I'll have you know, I actually happen to be one mean sandwich filler so say the least.

Not just ham & egg either.

Variety, is my middle name.

Generosity, my... second... middle name.

And delicious? I have it tattooed on my butt I'm so delicious (not really).

You're all jealous I'm not your mother now, aren't you?
Yes you are! A mother can sense these things.
Well you're just gonna have to except it.

As some of you might know, it was meant to be results day today but I've decided to perspone it till next week.

It's gonna be a fortnight thing now.
Which is better.

I'm sure you are very angry about this decision.
After all, it's been successful addition to my blog (spot the scark).
But I'm not sour, no no no, not at all. ; )

Now tomorrow I'm ganna plan to do nothing but eat all day if possible.
I need a few more pounds on this stick thing I call my body.

Does anyone happen to own some weight gain powder or any steroids perhaps?

Howay lads & lasses!

Collet, sorry for the typo too. Thank you for the invite. But are you sure you're not pulling my leg about this 'Hero's & Villains' theme? It's your 18th too right?

Aylwin, there's a song I'm listening to which if you listen closely says your name over and over! One & The Same - Rob Dougan.

Blake, Collet's on a bounty hunt for you.. For God sake RUN! While you've still got the chance!

'Amsterdam - The Land Of Dope & Opportunity.'

2004-10-06T16:56:00.000+01:00

Those 'effin Tubes.

I managed to seriously cock-up today's journey.

I also kinda disgraced the English name as well.

Today I was with the lovely Natalie (My favourite name). She's a international student from Greece. She got the whole Mediterainien look going on - v. attractive, but also quite quiet.
You can imagine the number of awkward silences there were. But I held up pretty good for a fly shy guy!
We were paired up for a photography project. The topic for the project had to be on people working in London, so we decided together that Covent Garden would be a interesting place to photgraph the entertainers there. Plus it wasn't to far away either.
Ha. That's in theorey anyway.
Not being from these parts but actually being English I took responsiblity for leading the way to the Garden. But to be honest, she knew her way round better than I did by a mile.

It all went wrong from the start.

Instead of going Southbound towards the Picidally line. Guess what I do.
That's right.
We go about 3 stops before I realise that our desination on the map is getting further away from us.
What a twit.
Me: 'It's alright, we'll just get on the station going the other way. It's no probs'
Our survey says... Eeegh Errrgh!
The other platform is going to a completly different direction.
Cutting a long journey short. We did get the eventually but I fear that all the orienterring I did in Scouts was a complete waste of time.
I couldn't tell my arse from my elbow - as my Dad has affectionatley mentioned in the past.

The shoot itself was difficult as I couldn't get as close as I would like. We didn't really have a keen direction about what we were trying to get across either.
There were some good photo opps. But not my most inspiring work. 'You're only as good as your last photo' - as I just make up that quote to say.
I guess we will find the results out tomorrow (there in the lab now).

I going home early today. Otherwise my tummy will shrink to the size of a button and I'll have to fork out my life savings into another piece of London sausage roll again.

Keep voting!

C U L8R.

Gem, my deepest apoligies for the typo - Tonight I'm going to sit in dark corner and think seriously about what I have done.

Dom, Thank your mother for the card. A most unexpected a lovely warming gesture.

Paul Bratts thanks for the email.

Blake, Thank God for those water-proof trousers and you've gotta love bad teachers named Jeff.

The woman sitting next to me next to me looks lie she's straight from the 70's School of Bad Afros. She hasn't a clue about technology 'What's a floppy disk?' She asks. Ha!

Ash, I love you too man! But i'd would like to see how non-seriously you'd take having your limbs wrapped round an Beech Tree.

I Dream of Gemma.

2004-10-05T17:10:00.000+01:00

What is happening dudes & dudettes?

I hope you've had I good 96 hours without me.

Just wanna say I did miss you!

I'm seriously considering buying broadband for my bedroom as I found myself on Friday counting the days to when I can start writing my thoughts again.

I can only do it at College you see, and I've become a tad sight addicted to this thing.

Sad, you may think, but I prefer to think of it more as a blatant cry for attension. Not that I need it. I just like it. (I'm the kinda guy who secretly wants to be a world famous musician or artist or director with a plethora of fans (It could happen).

But you know now, so it's not much of a secret really is it?

Well at least I'm honest.

Changing the subject I've had a cunning thought... If anyone's got any photo's, amusing pictures, or links they wana share, I'd be more than happy to stick em' on. I'm trying to think of way's to give this place something for everyone. A few pictures here and there are always good to share.
Jus' gimme an Email.

Which reminds me. I have a a Yahoo briefcase.

I recommend it. It's basically 30Mb of free space for you to stick whatever files you want to put on for you to access over computers or to share with peeps.
There's nothing on mine as yet, but I'll be putting up a few photo's and documents for people to view very soon.

I'll still be putting pics on here but link others to this site in future.

Well. There's so much to catch up on.

You will be pleased to know that the Golden Milhouse Award is finally completed and actually looks pretty impressive if I say so myself. I kinda took the name of the award quite literally. It's been my weekend's pride and joy. I couldn't stop tweaking it. I do like playing around on Photoshop.

It's going to be on show on Thursdays results night for the Best Food Joint 2004.

I have to say I'm slightly surprised by the lack of support my poll has been given. I expected a few more results than five. Come On guys! : )
I guess it's a more specialized topic than before. But if you don't know the places just vote for the one with the prettiest name. I think you might be only able to vote once a day so I'll try to change that if I can.
Keep voting!

Saturday morning was nice. Mum offered to make a cooked breakfast which was odd as I can't figure out what spurred on that decision. She doesn't like bacon, dislikes greasy cooking and usually is not awake till 11o' something (I think in her previous life she must of liked to hibernate in the winter, eat nuts and live in a oak tree in Kelsey). But it was a very nice gesture none the least.

Thank You mommy. (she doesn't read this)

On Sunday, my mum planned for the 'family unit' to go to see Tom Cruise in Collateral. But when we got to Beckenham Odeon we ended up going back due to James 'not being old enough to view a 15 rated presentation' - apparently the local paper wrote down it was a 12A and mums not a very good liar, bless. What made the pointless car trip worse, was that whilst Mum was having a go at the manager, I was buying a large box of Popcorn for the occasion. That was a waste of money.
You can't eat popcorn without watching a movie!
It's an unwritten law which could lead to being fined, prosecuted & be-headed so I'm told.
And it was beautiful popcorn too. Fresh, sweet & just the right temperature.

Oh well...
I'm going to see Hero on Saturday - "possibly the most beautifully shot film made, ever" - with Aylwin if any one fancies comin.
probably Saturday night anyway.
I have a previous record of arranging plans which then fall to pieces coz someone been grounded or whatever.

At last! I got my Student Travel Card.
But Bugger... It seems it's cheaper if I don't use it at all - you can only use it for week and monthly passes. £25 a week! And that's with 30% off!
London is expensive man.
Looks like I'm gonna have to double my shift at Safeways. Eerrrrggghhh!

Today I had fair reason to be quite miffed off, but luckily, thanks to my natural 'cool-as-a-cucumber' self, I managed to let it go with out attempting any personal injury.

Getting my train ticket this morning, I was happily waiting in line for my turn and listening to the Keane album on my iPod (Track 11 - Bedshaped is amazing). The man in front left, leaving me to make me to pay stupid amounts to get back home, when a very stern-looking, post middle-aged woman behind me, (looking very much like one of my 'less favourite' customers) asked if I was getting the 18-past.
Can you believe it!?

'Er, yes I AM', I replied.

The Cheeky sod.

Obviously, she was in a needless rush and thought that because she was holding an oversized portfolio she could jump in front of me.

Just coz your older than me doesn't mean you can skip the queue. If you were bigger, then perhaps.
BUT YOU'RE NOT OLD WOMAN!

The trains were slow today so I thought I was going to be late.
The tubes were freakishly quite so I thought a zombie might jump me like in 12 day's Later.
But it didn't.

I rushed to the lecture theatre to find no-one there.
'Oh crap'.
I look at my time table to check, and it clearly says 'Tuesday 5th, Workshop Lecture Theatre, Group 2, 10:00am'.
So I look all around the college looking for my Group when I realize...
'This is the wrong timetable'.
It turns out there's another timetable on the other side of the sheet saying 'Tuesday 5th, Workshop Lecture Theatre, Group 2, 11:00am'.

The bastads.

What kind of doofus makes to conflicting timetables I tell ya? Who!? Mr. Confusing that's who.

Nobody want to be at school an hour early. Unless your Blake of course.
I checked my emails and red the paper.

I forgot to mention on Thursday last week we had a documentary maker in talking about media research (We've 4 weeks of induction on each part of the course - this week it's Photography)
We had to do a 5 min presentation on the Elephant & Castle 're-generation' project in groups on 5.

It was at this point I realized something amazing...

There's more Girls than Boys here.

I'm like outnumbered 4-1 here.

Now most of the male generation may think this is great, and there is that part of me that thinks so too.

After all, there are some pretty fantastic faces round this joint.

But I can't talk about boy stuff anymore. What if they here me? I mean, with that many female species in one spot anything could happen. They might chase me round the college trying to slap me coz I said something stupid like girls shouldn't play sports unless they are bouncing a lot and wearing small costumes (Just an example girls, don't hate me).

To make things worse, out of the remaining people with bits included, I'd say half them prefer pink to blue - you can't talk boy stuff to them.

Which leads me to the question of whether I should start buying cushions with flowers on like everyone else if you get my jist.

It's a question I have often pondered, but usually I end up thinking how I could ever get my voice to sound so lady-like.

How do gay men do it? What did they sound like before they started listening to Frankie goes to Hollywood.

If you do happen to be homosexual, please contact me. I would very much like to know the answer on that particular topic.

Another question that entered my head was how do you spell 'Disslexeare'? Why choose I hard word to describe a spelling disorder?

If you do happen to be 'Disslexxick' please contact me. I would very much like to know the answer on that particular topic too. Just make sure you spell the e-mail address correctly.

Any hoo.

Getting back to this research thing, we had to interview the people of E&C about their views of the £1billion project to give this **it hole a good old lick of paint.
It was quite interesting really, they're spending 25mil just on trying to advertise the proposition to locals but no knows a dam thing.

Thousands of estate families will be kicked out of their homes and into infuriately city accomadion... the market place will be forgotten with the new Shopping center, and it will be a major transport centre to get in to central London.

Basically they are gonna try and reinvent the place, which isn't bad but all the culture and people who can't afford to live anywhere else will be washed out.

I've mixed views personally but it was very thought provoking even though it doesn't really affect me.

Most recently I've been having the most perculier dreams.
I have a pad a pen next to my bed so if ever I have such an occasion I can jot it down before I forget it.

Tonight's one was short and sweet quite simply, I was playing pool with Ash, Newman, Lorrie (Aylwin's sister), and a girl from work. I was feeling really stuffy and had the urge to tell all these really geeky crap jokes. I couldn't help myself. The girls thought that this was hilarious and were laughing their heads off. Ash was trying all these fancy pot shots but every time cocked the shot up, making huge holes appear in the table felt. The twit. And Newman amusingly got kicked in the head from the girl at work because he sat on her lap and didn't realize she was wearing mistletoe and had to snog her.

???? I know, Weird.

But I have to say Saturday night's has to top that.

In my dream, I woke up in the morning and found out that Gem (Ash's girlfriend) had stayed the night in my room (I swear to God nothing happened Ash!). We were talking about how much she had a crush on Robbie Williams. We were all very giggilly at which point I decided to try and stick googlely eyes onto a book. I was so tired though that my eyes were falling asleep and I missed the book and instead stuck them on my forehead. I kept apologizing to her but she too was laughing her head off.
I then realized there was a load of grey elastically dead skin all around my neck from sleeping rough. So I started peeling it but it didn't help as more and more appeared.
I then asked Gem if she had watched Joanna Lummley on Parkinson the night before (she was talking about a ghost story that happened to her which genuinely freaked me out!).
We then were suddenly transported into a trailer for a new BBC sit-com starring Dawn French about her living in a haunted house where all this freaky shit happened but she never realized. Nor did she find it wierd that friends were mutants and monsters (One guy wheeled around on a surgeons table and had all his organs layed out. nice.) And that she was a ghost too.
In one baffling skit, she opened the front door to us but appeared to have her arms back-to-front as she had her back to us. She kept perfectly still and then a dark shadow out of the darkness inside the house moved towards her and quickly merged into her and seemed to reveal her front side without her turning round at all. Gem was none the wiser. I was scared as fcuk. Then I woke up.

That's what happens when you watch too much TV before going to bed.

If anyone's got a number for a good mental hospital please contact me, as I haven't a clue what's going on with my Brain upstairs. What a weirdo.

I know there's a lot to read today. I do apologize.

I said I'd keep them short but haven't do so yet.
It's coz I'm so interesting you see.
There's just so much to tell.

Byzie Bye.

Thanks for the e-mail Louise - v.funny.

Newman, I wanna talk to you about a forthcoming Porthmouth visit.

Paul Bratton... how could you miss out on a Sci-fi shake?

Blake - nice bloggin with the handwriteing stint there.

Omad Djalili you ROCK!

Gem keep out of my dreams. I'll get in trouble.

Listening To Aswad & Feeling GOOOOD!

2004-09-30T20:34:00.000+01:00

Baby! Everything is Alright! Uptight! Out Of Sight! - Yeah, That's the good stuff.

For some reason I've suddenly felt really good. : )
I don't know why but then again, I don't care either!

Thanks to everyone who's posted. It's really nice to here from you all.

Collect, I only realized you left a comment. Hope you don't mind me blabbing bout you being crazy an' all.

Cozin Louise, It's great to hear from you. Thanks for making my blogspot go International.
Yay You!
Louise, too all who don't know her is my eldest (but not that old!) cozin who's currently teaching kids in Vietnam with her Hubby (What's up Chris!).
I like the drawing of yourself by the way. Good to see those art class's didn't go to waste!
(I'd love to come Vietnam - I'll definitely consider it, thanks)

Dom it's good to here from you too buddy. You're obviously not looking hard enough... I'm sure there must be SOMEONE to play Pro Evo with you.

Have you thought about writing "I Like Pro Evo - Do You?" backwards on your forehead?
Or Maybe you should get a T-shirt and put that on it?
That would be the saner option I think. Maybe not as fun thou.
I found a website with free software where you can do all that sort of stuff.

He, He! I've found my new-found short-term love!

TRON!

I watched the film as a child at my grandma's but never saw it all.

I managed to find it in the library on video thou, & it ROCKS!

Sure the story line and characters are crap, the visuals are mindblowing.

It's a old Disney film about some hacker who get stuck in a computer game world where programs are living people.
But the art concept is really cool (Old school costumes that glow red or blue e.t.c) I can't really explain it.

You have to see it to believe it.

The vehicles they use are P.H.A.T. Neeeeoooowwww. Extreme-G ripped them off so much on this one!

And the backdrops... I have no idea how they did it.

The visuals were the dog nads when it was some 10-15 years ago and they're still dope.

unbelievable! They've recently made a sequel video game out of it too...
No doubt I'll be buying that!

So yeah check it out if ya can just for fun.

I stuck it onto DVD so I could watch it again and, again.

I've really got to go now.

I'm still at college and was supposed to be back home early.

Mum and Steve (evil Step-Dad) are going out to see Jonathan Ross on his Friday night live show. A few good faces are turning I hear.

Chào ba!

2004-09-30T20:16:00.000+01:00

Golden Milhouse Award for 'Best American TV Series of 2004' - The O.C.

The Polls Are In... BATV-04

2004-09-29T13:30:00.000+01:00

It Is Time.

The prestigious 'Golden Milhouse' award for 'Best American TV Series of Two Thousand and Four' goes as follows.

At Number 3 - We have a split decision between Scrubs - the zany hospital comedy, and Nip Tuck - the one with beautiful women, plastic surgery and flashy cars.

In Second Place - A surprise announcement for Malcolm In The Middle, best decribed as the modern day Bradey Bunch on acid.

But in first position by popular vote, the best American TV series of 2004 goes to...

THE O.C.!

Congratulations to all who voted for it's just desserts - I'm guessing Newman made at least half the votes here.

For any of you fans of The Orange Country I have found the perfect website to fufill your needs on the inside world of the show.

I'd like to thank everyone who voted for the Golden Mihouse ceremony.

I plan to make this will be a weekly feature on The Milhouse Affairs. their will be various topics to vote for so keep up the good work.

But this time I want more votes than before (I can't stop anyone from voting twice so you may use that to your advantage!).

Unfortunatley I have not been able to make an award as yet. But fear not, there will be a Golden Milhouse figure pretty soon!

I better get back to the drawing board and step on it then.

Stay tuned!

(p.s. if you think this whole Golden Milhouse thing is crap, please tell me so and i'll stop wasting my time)

Lego is a marvellous thing.

2004-09-28T17:18:00.000+01:00

Mihouse's Nemesis

2004-09-28T15:50:00.000+01:00

First & foremost, give it up Ash.

The 'anonymous' comments you're sending are blatantly obvious.

You know, you don't have to visit this site. Go bug someone else with your 'voluptuous volcabulary'.

From here on, I would like to say that this is a happy place. There's no need for pushing and shoving.
Can't we just all get along? We're all friends here.

Anyway, this is my blog Ash, not yours - you're very welcome to write your own derogatory thoughts on your own blog.

I know my hardcore fans might have been disappointed with the absence of yesterdays post. But I would like to point out that while I will try to keep you blog junkies updated each day, this will not always be possible, as was the case yesterday.

Yesterday, was fun in a S&M way.
Regarded now as a tradition, it so goes that whenever I decide to visit a 'buddies' house where there are more than two people in at one time, I'll get injured in some way, shape or form.

Yesterday was no exception.

I can't quite explain the phenomena behind it - perhaps I was a Voodoo doll in my previous life...
Or Duffy Duck.

Either way it hurts.

To cut a long story short, here I am, my upper body bound up with duck tape. I'm struggling under the grip of Newman's hands holding me while Ashleigh trys to kick me in the stomach. In a defensive manner, I attempt to kick back at my 'so-called' friend but fail miserably. I trip up under the off-balance, and my skull inevitable meets the kitchen floor with a fair wallop and Hana-Barbara sound effect.
Whilst I'm lying on the floor - brain cells depleting rapidly & bump-on-head making it's appearance - Newman & Ash laugh their heads off as they view the footage of my prat fall on the digital camera they set up.

Oh, what marvelous friends I have. I'm so lucky.

But as I am strictly the non-violent type. I am pretty much powerless to do anything.
B.T.W. - This is your cue to start feeling sorry for me. Or laugh at me, depending on how nice you are.

It's okay thou, this is not the first time something like this has happened.

My favorite has to be the 'tied-in-a-sleeping-bag-and-beaten-with-pillows' - that was a doosey.
Or the infamous 'Tree Hug' performed in the school playground.

Though they would deny it, I do hope that the antagonists in question will deep down, feel a painful guilt & regret for what they have done to me over the years.

It's never too late to say sorry, u know.

Changing the subject. I wish all the best to Newman, who today has finally left the nest & is at present, making wings at his home-from-home in Portsmouth Uni. 3 Cheers for Newman!

Apart from the noted incident, we played a nice time playing Footnis or Tenball (I don't know what it's called) and adding music to his harddrive (a favorite pastime of mine).

Today was what I'd call a normal day at college, not much to talk about really.

I haven't had lunch so I suspect I'll be taking a trip to Upper Crust on Platform 4 later on.

That's about it really.

Thanks for the website Blake. (Someone's made a huge Logo figure of my namesake.)

Anyone who hasn't voted for their favorite TV series better make it quick as it'll will be changing pretty soon.

The outcome is final.

So if you don't want the O.C. to go down in Milhouse famedom. Make your contribution.
I'll post the results tomorrow.

All Feet Insane!

P.s. Dom, u never gave me the postcode. Everyone feel free to leave comments, questions, quotes requests and constructive critisim whenever you feel.
Also you can email me at empeejay@hotmail.com
(it spells out M.P.J., my initals if you wana remember that way!)

C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN

2004-09-26T17:56:00.000+01:00

Hey fellow, fellow.
How Art thou?

Today was a day of Dos. And currently still is.

As you can see I have been busy playing a dangerous game of vanity and dodgy Photoshop filters (not my most skilled work but I like it).
It also gives you folk who I isn’t seen in a long time a chance to update on my ugly mush. Granted my hair isn’t black... nor is my skin a freaky red and yellow colour.
But as you can see the hair is finally back to normal - previously, for unknown reasons I had actually been possessed by the lead singer of ZZtop. Not a pleasant pastime.

Well, my Dad & Alison (Step Mum) cooked up a nice roast pork dish today, but sadly there was no Baguette for starters.

I played with Daniel (the likkle brother I mentioned earlier) and his Brio set. I was Thomas (of course) and he was James the red engine, who successfully managed to block my path on more than one occasion.

I really like the track by Nelly Furtado at the mo (it's called Try - http://nelly-furtado.letras.terra.com.br/letras/78662/).
I've turned into Newman and played it to death. But it’s really nice.

Lastly, none of the people I asked to turn up on MSN today have done.
But it's too late now. You blew your chance.
Instead, I had to find means of being sociable with the likes of 'Wibbly Wobbly Wooo', otherwise known as Paul Bratton. Which was fun.

For someone who looks to be the quite type, he certainly gives it all online. My GOD.
Maybe you should consider change your name to 'Blah Blah Blah'.
It's quite an endurance trying to surf the web when all the while, a huge pair of electronic lips are rambling on, on the back of your surfboard. Apparently he likes songs about children. Yeah, you heard it hear first. I'll let you figure your own opinion on that one.

Ohh! Big Up to DIV MAN! - The amazing Jonnie T's comic creation (catch it on http://www.freewebs.com/divman/divmancartoons.htm). I saw 'Divman Rules' and chuckled politely. When will series two be hitting the World Wide Web? I look forward to it.

A river, my cherries!

Mister Baguettey

2004-09-25T13:26:00.000+01:00